Funny One-Liners
Funny One Liners
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
What's the speed of dark?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Funny One Liners
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
What's the speed of dark?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
