Ouff

[Ashley-Kate]

hi,
I am back and not so great i feel like i am letting go ans fast i just dont feel like anything anymore not only the food thing but anything, like all i do now is walk and sleep i feel like my life is passing by and i am watching it go, i i want to believe that i can beet this but i feel that thatis wishfull thinking and just plain wrong at this point. i am moving into an appartment in a month and a half and i will be living on my own , i will be a bit closer to my brothers place but he has been sort of on my back latly too and i do understand having seen me go through this before it can't be easy to see me yet again struggle with this disorder. I dont want to tell them i am trying anymroe because i feel that they get there hopes up and automaticly believe that i am going to make it. i am scared to death but this is all i know now...
i dont know what to do i dont want the hospital ever again and my psychologist seems to just be attacking me now onthe weight loss and doesnt care about anything else.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm sorry to hear you're not doing well, Ashley.

On another note, though, your thread title reminded me of a bad joke I made up years ago. I used to drive from Queen's University in Kingston, Ontario, to visit my sister in Hudson, Quebec. At that time, the Quebec roads were in a worse state of repair than Ontario roads. One weekend, I was driving to Hudson with some groceries, including eggs, which were in the back seat. I later told my sister that I knew the instant we crossed the border into Quebec because from the back seat I heard something say, "Oeuf!".

 

[Yuray]

hmmmm....bad joke indeed! but ironically funny!:teehee:

 

[Meg]

I'm sorry to hear that you're doing it tough, Ashley :hug:

It might feel like your psychologist is attacking you because they're pushing you to do something that's hard and that you maybe don't feel ready or motivated to do. My guess would be, though, is not that he or she is trying to make life more difficult, but that they can see how much you're worth and wants you to get to a point where you can see that too. You sound a bit like you think things are hopeless - they're not, though. What can you do? Keep putting one foot in front of the other and let other people help you through this difficult time.

:hug:

 

[Andy]

I'm sorry your struggling Ashley,

I have felt sort of stuck in a similar way before. I wish I could give you some sort of great advice but I am not in any state to say anything myself.

I hope things look up for you. Keep hanging on.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

... what is putting one foot in front of the other? i step ahead and fall three steps back. I do an effort to eat something and then plan my next periode of restriction to eliminate the dammage of my attempts to be healthy... i know i have to try i know i have to work at it harder, but after 10 years of working at it 8 hospitalisations and an attempts in a day program is it not it is not just to admit to myself that this might be how i end up.. i feel this intense pull towards death rather than life. I eat and the time that i keep it in me and i try my very best not to purge ways of ending my life fly through my head because the thoughts of keeping food in my body are so painfull and so disturbing for me.. i feel insane yet this is how i feel i amscared and anorexia comforts me i know it is irrationnal yet i can help myself anymore...

 

[Into The Light]

ashley-kate, do you express these thoughts and feelings to your team?

 

[Cat Dancer]

Ashley, as a long time sufferer of anorexia and bulimia, I believe the reason your psychologist is possibly focusing on your weight and health is that it is really hard to deal with the underlying issues when your health is so compromised. Health needs to be stablized before you can really work on the psychological issues. Being of a low weight or being in very poor health robs your brain of being able to deal with other things. I have found this to be very true in my own life. It's just possibly what is going on.

It's very hard and I commend you very much for trying so hard. I know it's a huge battle. I struggle with it myself every single day, but giving up is just not an option that I'm willing to accept and I strongly encourage you to keep at the fight. Being hospitalized for awhile might be the best thing at this time. It sounds like this is what your doctors are suggesting? Sometimes when we're really, really down it's a good idea to listen to the ones who are trying to help us. Sometimes, a lot of the time, they can really see things that we simply cannot due to our physical and mental well-being. This is not to say that you are incompetent in any way at all, but when you're so entrenched in something, a professional often has better insight in to what needs to be done than we do.

I have definitely found this to be true in my own life. It's a battle. It really is.