Pain

[Eye Stigmata]

I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. You don't *try* to kill yourself, you try to make the **** -stop- but No one cares if you die, because you're dead already. Your heart is cold and that's why you keep coming back, because you're not free and you need this place to feel alive. It's pathetic, and how when you don't want to feel... death can seem like a dream, and seeing death, really seeing it... makes dreaming about it seem ridiculous. And you wonder if your crazy....or if maybe it's just life, Crazy isnt about being {broken} or having a dark secret, It's you being amplified, If you've ever wished you could be a child forever. These dreams aren't perfect. Nothing is perfect, you know? There's too many buttons in the world, there's too many just waiting to be pressed....begging to be pressed, and it makes you wonder...why doesn't anyone ever press mine? Why doesn't someone just reach in there and tell me im nothing, or that everyone wishes I were dead? Eventually you realize...sometimes the people you meet *will* change you forever... you will lose touch with them, and you may not, but there isn't a day in your life that your heart doesn't find them. The longer it takes you to realize you can't go back to the past, when things were how they were....the longer it takes you to move on, Sometimes you have to accept the fact that in the end some people do become the people they swore they would never be, and when you get to the very end....that is when you start to remember the beginning.

...End Rant..

 

[Jazzey]

No one cares if you die, because you're dead already.

I don't think this is true Monkey Much. I think people care, sometimes they just don't understand where we are, don't understand depression and its ramification (ok, let's call a spade a spade - its devastation). So, we work hard to change our thinking so that we don't harm ourselves. We work on ourselves so that we may return to caring - about life and everything in it.

Saw your post and felt a lot of pain in there. Just wanted to let you know that I'm sending feelings of support Monkey Much.

 

[sister-ray]

Sorry your hurting so much, sending you lots of:hug::hug:

 

[Into The Light]

i agree with what jazzey said.

i'm sorry you're hurting so badly right now. don't give up, and know that with the help of your therapist and us you will get through this and feel better in the long run.

 

[Sparrow]

Hello MonkeyMunch,

I liked your post.. and respect it very much. Sometimes I write thoughts like that on paper to myself and then rip them up the next day. Your "rant" took some courage MM and I wish I had more of that kind.

In days of gray futility and desolate melancholy, I just disconnect and hide but atleast that's more honest than smiling and putting on a happy happy face I think.

Also, when I feel like you posted it sometimes fades away in 2 - 3 days and that is when I start to.. remember the beginning.

My support to you MM, the sincere.. warm and fuzzy kind. :support:

 

[amastie]

MonkeyMunch
:support:
amastie

 

[NicNak]

Thinking of you Monkey Munch and hoping you are feeling better.

:kick2: <---- this is what we would all like to do to our depression. Then we can all hang out and have :icecream: and :grouphug4: and :funky: and :cheerleader:

 

[Eye Stigmata]

Thanks guys

and a special thanks to sparrow for truly understanding and respecting my words