Partner switching off his feelings due to dreadful situation of mine

[stef]

Hi all there,

Long story short. I am in my forties I am originally from European country let's call it X and have emigrated and living in European country Y for 12 years now. I met here my partner who was born in Y and we are together ever since.

I lost my job 4 years ago and I have not managed to find any other job excluding some temp jobs also in other countries. My partner has been actively trying to help me in finding again a job in his country Y but no luck so far.

And I do not mean jobs up to my expectations, I mean any job. I have been excluded for jobs like packing boxes and delivery post as they found better candidates to make you an example of how dreadful the situation is over here.

Now, Just after I finished my last temp job in country Z, I came back and my partner communicated me - in tears - that his feelings for me are not any longer the same that he feels for me as if I was a sister/daughter and he feels compassion for me and my situation. He claims he does not know himself any longer (he felt he was committed to this relationship much more of what he actually manages to be now).

He also claims he might not be able to make me happy if I also try to find jobs in country Z (far from him) so there is also resentment...

Now, you can imagine what a bombshell is that - not only I need to deal with the lost career I cannot manage to get back no matter what and with being unable to find also the most humble job - but also with a broken heart, the research of a new accommodation, unemployment benefits and all.

I cannot but guess that he might be scared, tired and overwhelmed by my problems and cannot handle them any longer. After all, I am aware I might be perceived as a burden seeing myself from the outside: a depressed and chronically unemployed girlfriend constantly frustrated by her unemployment but - scared and overwhelmed or not - he lost his feelings for me! No way.

He now treats me like a sick relative who needs to enjoy the sun (that's what he suggests me daily) in order to fight depression.

I am also thinking that this situations looks similar to those - I read about - where the healthy partner abandons the partner who happens to get serious illnesses like cancer even if my illness is far less than cancer.

Now, I was keen to propose him couple therapy but I am not sure it would work in these cases: it's not the case of being in disagreement, angry, having cheated or anything but still in love; it's just him not being into me any longer!

Might couple therapy work in these situations? I mean: might there be ways to get his feelings back?

Please ask if you need other information.

Thanks for any reply.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It's possible that couples counselling could help to reignite your relationship, yes. Maybe the reality of living in different cities or countries is something he can't cope with and he has withdrawn emotionally from you to protect himnself.

But people's feelings do sometimes change over time and if your partner really has come to the point where he no longer has the feelings for you that he used to have, there probably isn't much you can do. Even then, couples counselling may help both of you to get some closure and an understanding of what happened so you can both move on into your separate fuitures.

 

[Yuray]

He claims he does not know himself any longer

This may be something you should try to get him to talk about. His dismissal of you may be a symptom of something he is going through. He seems very honest with you and hasn't just 'dumped' you. He seems like a man of conscience. Perhaps you should approach him from a genuine concern for his 'not knowing himself anymore', as opposed to putting your feelings and resentments first.
(copyright would not allow me to post the video in here)

 

[stef]

He seems very honest with you and hasn't just 'dumped' you. He seems like a man of conscience.

I never thought or written he dumped me or is NOT a man of conscience. I said I think he cannot cope with the difficult situation I have been living as a consequence of which that I am depressed and frustrated. Even partners of cancer sufferers do not dump or have no conscience, they simply are not resilient enough to cope with the situation.

Perhaps you should approach him from a genuine concern for his 'not knowing himself anymore'

Well, I did ask about it and he replied he thought he was more committed to this relationship and thought he would have not stopped loving me. What happened caught by surprise himself at first.

, as opposed to putting your feelings and resentments first.

What makes you think I did it?

---------- Post added at 03:05 AM ---------- Previous post was at 03:02 AM ----------

Thanks David for your reply.

Well I approached him about it. Long story short, he does not believe much in therapy as he feels it is just about "fooling yourself" into thinking/feeling differently facts and situations.

If I have well understood, he refers to CBT here where - among others - you are asked to repeat yourself "mantras" in order to changes your feelings about situations or your reactions. I am aware to oversimplifying the teraphy here, but just to make you understand what I heard from him.

And to a certain extent - and limiting it to cbt and not other types of teraphy - I agree with him about it: In the past I have also approached CBT and I got the same feeling of terapists giving me tools to fool myself.

On the other hand, I do not know if they use cbt in couple counselling.

Besides this, discussion is still going on...