People make it worse!

[WilliamCollins]

Two things have happened to me recently which upset me very much so. First, my mom told me that she doesn't like me (just like this: "I don't like you!"). And most recently (like an hour ago), my sister called me a "@#$%ing retard."

I feel really REALLY bad right now. I've even thought about suicide, again. Any glimmer of hope has been shredded and is gone.

What's the point of living like this... I also watched a bunch of videos on schizophrenia because I want to do everything I can to help myself. These videos didn't provide much hope and they only made me feel worse. Afterwards, I had to buy a new pack of smokes even though I had quit smoking a few days beforehand.

I too don't always like myself and I also think of myself as being kind of retarded (I'm sorry if I shouldn't be using this particular word) but hearing this from someone else, from someone I love, makes it all the more painful to bear.

The circumstances surrounding those two incidents are as follows:

I went into my sister's room as she was trying to sleep because she yelled that my TV was on too loud. I had lowered the volume and went in there to see if it was still too loud.

With my mom, it's another story. I was going by her room after I had 2 beers (which she bought me) and she told me bluntly that she doesn't like me. I asked her about it the next day and she answered my question with silence.

What should I do?

 

[Andy]

I think there are plenty of times and may be more, and I don't know this as I am not a parent, but I think there will be times when your parents/sister don't like you. Nothing to do with the Schizophrenia necessarily. They may not like you but they still love you.

I don't like a lot of people I love. lol Not making light of your situation, I have had similar things said to me by my parents, brothers, friends etc. and it really hurts.
Is it possible that you were doing something obnoxious or saying something rude(for example) to your mother and that made her comment the way she did? I would like to think your sister was just being a sister and calling you a name that I am sure she didn't mean in the way that word use to be used.

As far as the videos go, I think watching them is like beating yourself over the head. Hearing about it is just going to make you dwell on it in my opinion. You can do this William. It's not a pleasant illness, but I think that it is manageable if you stay on your medication and GET SUPPORTS in your life. I can't stress that enough, the more the better. It makes things a lot easier when your not doing things alone. My ex had Schizophrenia and managed with medication, had a job, lots of friends and lots of support which aside from meds was the key for him to do so well.

I really don't think the names were meant, hurtful as they were, maybe they were just said in the heat of the moment.

You really need to get into a mental health service and get the extra support.

 

[WilliamCollins]

[CORRECTION: I meant to write "incidents" not "incidences" as is written. So can someone please make that correction for me in the intro post to this thread? Thanks!]

There was no "heat of the moment" situation. They were flat out mean to me and it hurt. I said stuff back to them like "I don't like you either" or "you're the one who's retarded" but they are the ones that started it and they probably don't even care what someone with schizophrenia has to say to them. I almost feel like they said some of the stuff they did BECAUSE I have schizophrenia and they know it.

Btw, STP, this is my way of getting support. My only way, for the time being.

I kinda feel like a drama queen now. Heh. When I made this thread I was really hurting but after reading your post I feel better.

 

[AmZ]

I agree with STP.

I totally understand why the comments would hurt William, from my own experiences in being told the same thing in the time of an argument with my mum and her telling me that she doesn't like me. Of course it hurts, and your automatic reaction to a comment like that is to be expected. I think you just need to keep in mind what STP said and what I also know also to be the truth... That of course your mum loves you and wants the best for you, and may have even regretted her comment to you once she said it - But we are stubborn sometimes and can't see our own failures and faults - I think you should keep all of this in mind and try the best to keep the relationships you have with your family at the best level that you can, as when they are totally gone, you'd wish you had them back.
Then add on to that STP's advice about finding extra support, and I think that you will be much better off and be able to speak to some people who are experiencing the same things as you or that can just listen and you can get things off of your chest.

 

[Yuray]

It sounds like you are living at home with another sibling around the same age and your mother, and they both cause you grief. Is there any chance of moving to another location and remove youself from this seemingly negative environment? Aunts or uncles, grandparents or friends?

 

[WilliamCollins]

I want to live somewhere else. Not because of them, though, but because I want a place to call my own. As we speak, I'm on a waiting list for a few places of my choosing but it will take a few years to get there. Living with uncles is out of the question, even though I'm on good terms with them, because I don't want to be a burden.

My family isn't too bad but they can be hurtful. I feel like this is my fault in some way. Sometimes I feel like I should be less me and it'll be alright. If I stay quiet nothing bad will happen.

 

[WilliamCollins]

I feel like it's automatically my fault by default because I have schizophrenia. But I'm not a bad person.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

What is automatically your fault, William? And no, you're not a bad person.

 

[WilliamCollins]

Well, when my mom told me that she doesn't like me, maybe it was my fault that she said this. Maybe I acted in such a way or said something to make her say this. I agree that I'm not a bad person, though, but I could be better.

My schizophrenia makes me act weird, sometimes.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Perhaps it does. But then we all do odd things from time to time and anyone of us "could be better". Then again, we're all human and all humans make mistakes.

Your mom probably didn't really mean that she doesn't like you - that was wrong of her to say that. She probably meant that she didn't like something you did or said.

 

[sarek]

Something similar tends to happen to my gf who also has schizophrenia. In her case it is mainly because of the fact that the people around her do not understand the nature of her illness.
For me its been a very steep and at times very painful learning curve as well and I am still struggling with many things. But if you love someone you owe it to them to do the groundwork. And that applies to your mother and sister equally.

 

[WilliamCollins]

I just have a question about how things should be written:

Well, when my mom told me that she doesn't like me, maybe it was my fault that she said this. Maybe I acted in such a way or said something to make her say this.

Should I have written it as "that" instead of as "this"?

I know these might seem like little insignificant errors but they do bug me (only when I'm writing something, though). Like with this previous sentence, should I have written "insignificant little errors" or "little insignificant errors"? I don't think it matters all too much but I still want to write properly when I do choose to write something.

Anyways, I just really needed to ask. Thanks!

Again: "just really" or "really just" OR should I have just written "I really needed to ask" instead? And is it "anyways" or "anyway"? Okay, I'll stop now. But it really does annoy me when I try to write something.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Either is okay, William. There are lots of ways to say the same thing in English, lots of redundancy in the English language.

 

[Yuray]

It's good to be curious about such things William. Most of us write as we speak. No matter how we communicate, we are usually understood, and thats the point of communicating.
"cut that tree down then cut it up"...........
Why English Grammar Is So Complicated ? The Blade by Ron Schenone, MVP