• Quote of the Day
    "The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well."
    Alfred Adler, posted by David Baxter

dmcgill

Member
Joined
Apr 16, 2004
Messages
65
Points
6
If I think you did something, in my eyes you did. Right? You think about it for a bit. We wouldn't even argue would we if we felt we were wrong at the beginning of the argument, that is unless we were lawyers but that is a whole different matter.

If you are asked to assist in resolving a conflict in your workplace, home or other places, keep this in mind. Both sides are right, at least from their personal views and you as a mediator in this situation have to be very careful not to judge, take sides or declare a winner.

A. Get the issue on the table. The keyword here is issue.
B. Ask each person in the conflict what the minimum they could agree to.
C. Take the new issues and place them on the table.
D. Get the two sides to come up with proposed solutions separate from each other.
E. Bring them back to the table. Many times when you get to this point the conflict is over.
 

Kanadiana

Member
Joined
Jul 24, 2004
Messages
377
Points
18
Hi

Your post just made me think about the most difficult thing to cope with between two people ...

When I talk to you ABOUT YOU, I need to be relating to your interpretations and perceptions of things, not mine.

Other wise, in REALITY, I could yelling at myself and laying it on the other person, and I won't even realize I'm misunderstanding or out of line. (and for the record, nope, don't like yelling or being yelled at)

Miscommunication... ouch. It takes time and intimacy to know another person well enough to know "what THEY mean by that"

Sorry if I've gone a little off topic here.

Take care.
 

dmcgill

Member
Joined
Apr 16, 2004
Messages
65
Points
6
I had an interesting situation today, just like you said Kanadiana.

I had a Government Social Worker come to my office today, concerned about what one of my clients was doing. She had thought or her perception was that my client was going to go against a court order, and bring you young boy back home. He (the boy) has been placed in a foster home for a while since he created a risk for the rest of the family.

What had really happened though was, my client had said he would like to bring the boy home. Just being a caring concerned parent and wanting him home. The social worker was all prepared to read the riot act to my client and make all sorts of threats.
Miss-Perception can cause a lot of problems too.
 

Kanadiana

Member
Joined
Jul 24, 2004
Messages
377
Points
18
Ah... yeah.

Some misunderstanding can cause incredible grief and heartbreak that ripples and ruins lives. Forever.

People in positions of power and authority, having the role, and usually responsibility/duty, of making life decisions for others ... have a tough road to travel because sometimes they don't have the answers and feel the need to act quickly and strongly, out of protectiveness etc...whatever.

When correct, its the appropriate answer thing to do.
When wrong ... can't back up and fix some damage
and who pays?

Many "wrong decisions" wouldn't happen with a little more exploring what a person really meant by what they said. Communication can be the difference between unjust decisions, and just ones.

Don't ASSUME if something is not so urgent then there's time to verify ..... take the time to understand the other persons meanings.

Thats how I experience things anyways, and when in the position of making decisions that effect other peoples lives ... well ... it can save a lot of hassle, negative reactions, grief and somtimes tragedy?

I'm no counsellor ... I just have my own experience to speak from.

It ain't easy I know, but some things area lot easier than people think.

What looks like a duck doesn't mean its a duck sorta thing. Find out if its a duck first, if no TRUE urgency demands otherwise.

Yes ... this is an area of "communications" that drives m a little, or a lot :eek: wacko at times.

Take care:)
 

Ash

Member
Joined
Aug 17, 2004
Messages
261
Points
16
I've always believed that (perception of) reality is relative. It's a complicated subject. We all bring our own perceptions to the table and it can be tough to strip them down. I think that's a huge issue with most people and how they relate to each other. If I were raised a certain way, it would affect how I perceive people and their actions. It would also affect how I react to those actions. I've found that one of the hardest things for me to do is remove all of my "feelings" on a subject and view it with an open mind.

I'd like to hear more on this.
 

David Baxter

Administrator
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
37,570
Points
83
Absolutely. This is a point I make in couples counseling frequently: It isn't about one person being right and the other wrong; nor is it about one person lying and the other telling the truth.

Research on eye-witness testimony shows us that if you put 20 people in a room and have something sudden and alarming take place, and then question everyone about what happened, you will get 20 different stories. This is because perception and memory are not passive processes - we always sift sensory input through our personal histories and personal issues and fears and anxieties, etc., etc.

The solution to many communication (or miscommunication) problems is "active listening": teaching people to stop defending their own positions or trying so hard to change the other person's position and instead try to understand why the other person feels the way s/he does -- without the goal of agreeing or disagreeing but with the goal of simply understanding. That gives you insight into who the other person is -- debating, defensiveness, and "one of us is right and one of us is wrong" approaches don't do that because they are fundamentally one-sided and close-minded.
 
Joined
Oct 14, 2004
Messages
8,518
Points
38
David Baxter said:
Absolutely. This is a point I make in couples counseling frequently: It isn't about one person being right and the other wrong; nor is it about one person lying and the other telling the truth.


The solution to many communication (or miscommunication) problems is "active listening": teaching people to stop defending their own positions or trying so hard to change the other person's position and instead try to understand why the other person feels the way s/he does -- without the goal of agreeing or disagreeing but with the goal of simply understanding.

Such a good point. It is frustrating when one person simply will not even try to consider another person's point of view. And the other person is always the wrong person no matter what.
 

cm

Member
Joined
Oct 7, 2004
Messages
145
Points
16
All of the above is very helpful information. janetr, the specific characteristic that you described is also 'one' of the main qualities of people with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (I mean OCPD, and not OCD--wish the names would be altered).
cm
 
Top Bottom