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Me and myself

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Joined
Jan 16, 2007
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I've been trying to identify the reasons that most caused this pain when my ex broke up with me.
We were liking each other for several months but none of us took the action to tell it to the other. Basically, after talking about it, we concluded we have equal personalities, i.e., if one of us could not take the first step the other won't follow and vice versa. Basically, we got stuck. It was strange because it seems out personalities were equal also in our fears. We could not show any affection to each other, unless one of us "breake the ice". This was one of the major reasons for the break up.
And it makes me feel so bad because I'm not a cold person, unless the other person acts cold with me (which she did, as well as me too). Among other reasons, this was one she mentioned....I'm feeling so frustrated because I have the notion that she broke up with me because she sees me as a person which I'm not. I also have the notion that she's not like she show me, cold and distant. And this is one of the things that is making me feel really bad. Two persons, who were trying to know each other... and simply were not able to overcome the difficulties only because of the fears from bad paste experiences.:(
Have any of you faced a situation like this? How did you cope with that?
 
Joined
Oct 14, 2004
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I think that what you wrote is very insightful. I have been told more than once that I come across as cold or aloof, but that is just the farthest thing from what I feel inside and how I want to be. I am working on it and not really sure how you could cope with this. Perhaps just work on relaxing and learning more about yourself and being comfortable with yourself and that might help you open up to others. It might take some time, but I think it's very possible you can get past this, maybe talking to someone about it might help?
 

ThatLady

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I think it's important to realize that you can't change the past. It's behind you. The only thing you can do is work on what is now, and on what will be. If all your concentration goes into what went wrong in a past relationship, you're not really working on what to do today. The person you might meet today may not be anything like the person you knew before, so what didn't work with the person you knew might be just what the new person likes about you.

Give it some time, and keep trying to be the person you want to be. It's going to take some time to get over the hurt of a broken relationship, but the best way to do it is to get out there and try to enjoy your life. Do things, see things, and experience life. Enjoy the company of friends and family. The hurt will fade, over time.
 

Me and myself

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Joined
Jan 16, 2007
Messages
19
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1
Well, usually I start like this when in a relationship but after a while I start to change as soon as I fell more confident. In this relationship, several things happen right on the beginning of it that made my defenses rise. So, instead of become feeling more confident, what happend was exactly the opposite. These things that happened were what are usually called as "red flags" such as hear she say "I don't want a long relationship", "I don't to be seen with you by my friends until I'm shure this will work" or even worse like "Until now I've been sleeping with my ex boyfriend!".
Because I put a lot of expectations since the beginning it was hard to hear such things. By other hand, these "red flags" were intrepreted by me as warnings from her side.
So, according what I know today what I shall do if this happen again is to never put a big expectation in a relationship and terminate it when those warnings occurr.
Am I being too radical by thinking this way? May I be denying future relationships if I think this way?
 
Joined
Jun 11, 2006
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if these are all things a future girlfriend says, then i would say, don't pursue the relationship. her goals were very different from yours. you need to find someone who is compatible with you, someone who shares your values. if you want a committed relationship, and a girl is saying she doesn't, then obviously there is a mismatch.

i would always consider it a big red flag if a person you are dating doesn't want to be seen with you. then they're hiding something. not a good basis for a trusting, respectful relationship.
 

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