Physical boundary crossing

[healthbound]

Hey Toeless!

That's excellent that you talked to your therapist about it too I'm actually on my way out the door, but I hadn't checked the thread for a couple of days and wanted to do so before I left, cause it's been on my mind.

I will write more later, but I wanted to echo what you said about it feeling so good to talk about this stuff. I totally agree. All women go through these experiences, but we don't seem to talk about them. It's been so refreashing to hear about your (and other) experiences as well as to share some of mine.

I'm looking forward to talking a bit more about how to politely, but firmly respond to being asked for phone numbers

More later...

 

[healthbound]

Yaaaa. It took me a bit longer to get back to my computer than I had anticipated. :red:

I'm going back to work this week and I've had another deadline (which is today) that I've been working towards so I haven't had as much time on the computer as I thought I would.

I think I already said what I wanted to anyway. I wanted to echo what you wrote:

It feels like there is static electricity coursing through this thread and it feels like a really powerful thing. When I was reading the thread I thought, this is sisterhood, this is what it's all about (and I have never used the term 'sisterhood' in my entire life!).
Listening to the stories made me realize too, that it's not about who believes you, or who sees it, or even if you can prove it happened...it's about standing up and saying no, this is not ok with me and I will not accept it.
It also got me thinking too, about saying "I should have done this" vs saying "How can I be more effective next time?"...and next time this happens I think I will be the one to intervene on my own behalf.

Those sentences are strong and were wonderful to read. It's been a long time since I've felt "sisterhood". And ironically, it feels very powerful. Not in the Machiavellian sense, but in the "not-powerless" sense (I tend to fear that I will feel powerless if I allow myself to be vulnerable, but in this case, it feels powerful). The more we have the courage to discuss these things, the stronger we become. And that means we are better able to protect ourselves.

This thread was a great gift. I've really appreciated connecting with women on a very "real" level. It seems that there is still a general and subtle animosity and competitiveness among women when there doesn't need to be (not in the forum, but in life).

I remember another time when I experienced sisterhood during a youth drug and alcohol program. It was a pretty awesome experience and I forgot what it felt like until this thread. I think I'll make room for more of these times .

 

[Peanut]

Healthbound or anyone with ideas: I was still hoping you would expand on what you had said

I'm looking forward to talking a bit more about how to politely, but firmly respond to being asked for phone numbers

I know it sounds weird but I STILL can't think of anything to say. Now that we've established that I should find some way to say no, but how? The only things I can ever come up with to say I don't like to say like, "I'm actually married"...(which sounds like I am married and therefore no longer a living human being that can speak for myself) or "My husband will get mad..." (which sounds like I can't do anything that's not OK with him). I don't know what in the world TO say. But one thing I would like to do is be able to speak on my own behalf without using someone else as a scapegoat. And I would also like to have something to say that is not going to disappoint or hurt the other person's feelings.
Also, i'm thinking that if I can figure out something to say earlier, rather than later, perhaps things wouldn't keep getting so out of hand.
Any suggestions??

 

[Halo]

Hi Toeless,

I don't know if this is going to help but this is what I would say if someone that I was not interested in asked me for my phone number...... Thank you very much for you interest, I am very flattered however I am in a committed relationship and do not feel that it is appropriate for me to accept your phone number. Thank you anyway.

Of course this situation has never come up for me because I don't get asked for my phone number but that is sort of like something that I would say.

Hope this helps and if not, maybe someone else who has more experience in this area can help you out.

Take Care
Nancy

 

[ThatLady]

Heh. I'll tell you what I'd say...

I'm sorry, but I don't give my telephone number out. OUR house is pretty busy anyway, what with calls to my husband and the rest of the "denizens". Thanks for asking, though.

 

[just mary]

I'm kind of like Nancy, I don't get asked for my phone number that often. If someone did ask for my number, I might ask why and than depending on their response, I would go from there.

Come to think of it, I had a somewhat similar experience a couple of weeks ago. It was with a female however. She was an old room mate from several years ago and we just never connected very well. I don't think she liked me very much. Anyways, we were chatting and she asked for my number. There was a third room mate, I had lost touch with her but room mate number two was still in contact with her. Anyways, we exchanged numbers and she said she would call me which I took to mean "you'll never hear from me again" which was fine. Then I run into her again (I haven't seen her in eleven years and all of a sudden I run into her twice in two weeks, go figure) and she tells me that she contacted room mate three and that we should all get together on one of two dates. I'm supposed to call her back with the best "date" for me. ARRRRRGHHHHH!!!! These two women were all blond and pretty and well-balanced and able to socialize - I was the nerdy, shy, loser room mate with a degree in statistics - eeewwwwww. Anyways, I don't want to call back, I couldn't face them but I feel so rude for not calling. I'll figure it out, maybe they'll just forget and if I ever see her again, I'll tell her I lost her number and I didn't know her married name.

BTW, thanks to all who have contributed to this thread. I've been reading it and it's been very interesting. I thought at first that these types of things never happened to me but I look back and things like this did happen to me but I had always blamed myself or just ignored it or thought I was imagining things.

 

[Peanut]

First off, thanks for your input about what to say. It sounds so simple I have no idea why it is so hard. I like that key word "appropriate" though, like "Thanks for asking but I don't think that it is really appropriate/a good idea for me to give out my number right now". If they ask why then I'll just say "because I'm actually moving out of state in two days and I'm not sure what my new phone number is going to be!"

appropriate for me to accept your phone number.

This really got me thinking and gave me a good 'if you're really desperate for something to say' idea. What about if you say, well, why don't you give me your phone number instead? I've done that before too and then of course, not called. What do you think of that approach?

I don't know I just have SUCH a hard time saying no or I'm sorry to people, and the less I know them the more this is the case.

I also wanted to respond to what was said about not getting asked for phone numbers--first I want to say that you should be glad because it's really awkward!! But secondly, it didn't used to be as much of an issue as it is for me now. I wondered to myself what in the world changed all of a sudden, but then I realized what I think it was...I think it's two reasons, I went back to college and so there I see many, many different people every day and I think that's the biggest part of it, just being around so many new people all the time. And the second reason is because typically I smile and make eye contact and also often strike up casual conversations or joke around even if I don't know the person and I think that some people may take that as me being open to advances. That's just my guess of what is going on though. The thing is, I know the latter part is something that I'm doing, but I don't know if it's something I want to stop...I mean, I don't ever want to stop smiling at people, you know? That would be sad!

Come to think of it, I had a somewhat similar experience a couple of weeks ago. It was with a female however. She was an old room mate from several years ago and we just never connected very well. I don't think she liked me very much. Anyways, we were chatting and she asked for my number. There was a third room mate, I had lost touch with her but room mate number two was still in contact with her. Anyways, we exchanged numbers and she said she would call me which I took to mean "you'll never hear from me again" which was fine. Then I run into her again (I haven't seen her in eleven years and all of a sudden I run into her twice in two weeks, go figure) and she tells me that she contacted room mate three and that we should all get together on one of two dates. I'm supposed to call her back with the best "date" for me. ARRRRRGHHHHH!!!! These two women were all blond and pretty and well-balanced and able to socialize - I was the nerdy, shy, loser room mate with a degree in statistics - eeewwwwww. Anyways, I don't want to call back, I couldn't face them but I feel so rude for not calling. I'll figure it out, maybe they'll just forget and if I ever see her again, I'll tell her I lost her number and I didn't know her married name.

I have the exact same problem with women too!!! It's just not as big of one because it doesn't happen as often but when it does, no matter who asks or whatever, I scramble for what to say. The scenario you described sounds SOOOOO familiar!! Isn't that awful, when you agree to something spur of the moment and then have to figure out how to get yourself out of it FAST! I can't tell you how many times I have used that "I'm so sorry I lost your number" line. I always feel so guilty and wonder if the person even believes it! One time (this makes me cringe to think about) I ended up agreeing to carpool to work with someone who had NO CAR and who wanted me to go waaay out of my way to pick her up. After I initially agreed to it, I started sweating bullets, thinking of all the reasons why this was a really really bad idea. So a little while later I told her (out of sheer desperation) that I actually didn't like to carpool with anyone and that I actually was not interested. After trying to get me to change my mind again she then started to hyperventilate and had to leave the room and made a huge scene. After that people came up and asked me "what happened?" I couldn't believe it. I should have never agreed in the first place!

Sometimes I wonder if there is anything that I wouldn't agree to under certain circumstances and it kind of freaks me out a little. I really want to get a grip on it, be more genuine and whatnot.

thought at first that these types of things never happened to me but I look back and things like this did happen to me but I had always blamed myself or just ignored it or thought I was imagining things.

So true and well put.


Thanks for your posts guys.

 

[healthbound]

Hi!! Sorry my reply is SO delayed. I've been integrating back to work, got bronchitis and was in a car accident. When it rains it pours.

Anyway, I wanted to write a quick message and touch base because I hadn't been here for so long. I haven't read all the posts to catch up, but will over the next few days (or this coming weekend).

I've really missed being here. What a change from being home 24-7 and being able to jump on line anytime.

I look forward to connecting more later.

 

[ThatLady]

Ack! Car accident, healthbound? I sure hope you're okay! :shocked:

 

[Peanut]

Hey Healthbound, nice to hear from you It sounds like you have a lot going on! I hope you are feeling better! I'm glad you came in to touch bases though, and I'm looking forward to hearing more from you when you get a chance to come back!

 

[Diana]

I feel like there were some times in my life when I was just so nieve. A few years ago I went out on a "date" with a man. Now, let me explain. I knew this man because my boyfriend (now ex) taught English to him and to his son and we went out together sometimes with this man and his wife. We also went on an overnight trip with them and their young son. My boyfriend had left the country (gone back to Canada) and this man (call him K) called me and asked me if I wanted to participate in something (I can't remember what it was, but I'm sure it was something inocent). I told him I would be busy. He was saying how he thought I was sad because my boyfriend had left. I told him that I was okay and that maybe we should see each other before I go to Canada "like, maybe dinner or something." Now, when I said this, I was half meaning with his family, or whatever. I just thought of him as someone who wouldn't hit on me or assume I was doing the same. Well, eventually he called me again and we met up for dinner. I was a little surprised when it was only him there, but it still didn't bother me. I figured his wife was busy or something. To make a long story short, I FINALLY figured out what he was trying to do (get me to spend the night with him at a hotel).
My story is really different, because FORTUNATELY he wasn't an agressive man and when he tried to put his arm around me, I just said no. BUT, I understand that feeling of freezing up, not knowing what to do, and not stopping everything when you start to feel the least bit uncomfortable. Like you don't want to make HIM feel uncomfortable. So, a scary thought is what if he was agressive? I surely hope that I would have been able to fight his actions despite getting that scared and frozen feeling. And, it's also the slight guilty feeling of that I led him on. I also wondered about what gave him the impression in the past that I would possibly sleep with him. I can't remember sending that vibe to him, even accidentally. He also kept saying that night how my boyfriend was such a good friend to him and that he misses him! I just don't get some people. There's nothing wrong with hitting on someone (appropriately), but when you're married, the other person is involved and everyone has met each other and spent time together - just seems weird.