Please help!

[moomoo]

I need some support right now.

I'm not a very strong person - or at least I'm not strong when it comes to this kind of thing...

My husband and I went to family court after his ex tried to move away and take his kids.

We previously had them for 50% of the time.

We were scared we would lose them - but his ex ended up leaving the kids with us full time.

She just gave them to us to care for... then 2 months later we were back in court to finalise our hearing and she asked the judge to give them back AND HE DID.

Even though she abandoned them and they were settled in with us.

Anyway, long story short.... in 12 days time (after 6 long months of waiting) we are going to get our FINAL parenting orders from the judge.

I'm scared and feeling really sick.

I'm scared that the judge doesn't understand our situation and will make decisions that will impact the rest of our lives badly.

We have done nothing wrong - but we have suffered terribly.

I can't see an end to the suffering and I fear that this looming judgement is going to be a massive kick in the teeth and I am frightened.

Please help.

 

[Jazzey]

I'm so sorry for what you're all going through moomoo. :hug::hug: Just know that we are here to support you in any way that we can.

Keeping you and your family in my prayers...And if there's anything I can do to support you right now...

 

[moomoo]

Thanks Jazzey - I wouldn't be so scared except for the awful way we've been treated by the legal system here so far.

It's been awful.

And that's an understatment.

I just can't see anything good happening to our family in court, I don't trust anyone (the judge) to make the right decision.

I am scared because he doesn't seem to care or to even know what he is doing.

It is terrifying. His decision will have an impact on our lives for many years to come.

 

[Jazzey]

I know Moomoo. It is really scary to have someone else decide what's going to happen with your family...And you don't have to trust the judge, or anyone else in the process.

Is there still a shared custody possibility?

 

[white page]

hi moomoo,
I am so very sorry you have this awful situation before your family , I don't know the age of your step children, but surely the judge will re establish the fifty, fifty arrangement of before.

Even though their mother may have behaved irresponsibly in the past, the children should have contact with her, as they should have contact with you and their father.

I know that this isn't helping you right now, have you a good lawyer to help your husband have his parental rights respected?

thinking of you wp

 

[moomoo]

Thank you both very much, I appreciate the reassurances!

We're hoping for the judge to put the kids in a school near us. That's pretty much all we want.

Their mum is really unstable and has moved house around 6 times in the last 2 years. The kids really hate all the shifting.

In addition, the reason their mum moves around so much is to upset my husband, she's really really aggressive and takes digs at us whenever she can.

It's awful.

We think the judge will give us 50/50 - even though at this point with all the abuse we've suffered their mum should be getting less.

But we'd settle for the school of our choice.

But like I said - I don't think the judge cares or understands, I don't think we'll get this.

 

[Fiver]

MooMoo, I can only imagine the frustration you and your husband must be feeling right now. Sometimes the justice system is truly unjust. But then again, sometimes it only feels that way, particularly in family court, where emotions run high.

We think the judge will give us 50/50 - even though at this point with all the abuse we've suffered their mum should be getting less.

I think 50/50 sounds like something the judge would find reasonable, but you have to remember that the court tries hard to NOT make decisions based upon anything other than what's truly in the best interest of the children. In this case, while you think she should get less because of the abuse you have suffered, that's an emotional wish for a punitive decision on the court's part. It may not be what is necessarily in the best interest of the kids, who still love their mom, even if she's not the best parent in the world.

In most countries, the court takes everything into consideration, especially where a child needs both a mother and a father in a situation where there is no evidence of abuse. Is it a perfect system? No, but it averages out to be pretty good. It's so highly emotionally charged that sometimes it can be difficult to see why the court makes the decisions it does.

I wish you, your husband, and your family all the best and hope it works out the you want it to. Regardless, I hope you can take whatever situation you end up with and make it into something positive for all involved. Easier said than done, I know...

 

[Retired]

I don't trust anyone (the judge) to make the right decision.

Do you have someone advocating on your behalf or are you on your own before the court?

 

[moomoo]

We paid for a solicitor and a barrister - but court was over nearly 6 months ago - that's how long it's taken for the judge to make up his mind!

I see what you're saying about our wishes for her to be punished Fiver, and what you say is true - and I do get it... but as a parent she is not the best for the kids.

Her new boyfriend is violent and he frightens the kids (did not come up in court though) but what DID come up in court was the fact that he 'flashes' himself at them.

The kids told us and my husband confronted their mum about it - and SHE brought that up as HER evidence - which was super weird since we had the whole thing on tape and they never denied that he flashed himself.

She's not the worst mum in the world - but she's certainly not that great either.

The fact that this entire court case was about HER trying to take the kids away from their loving dad speaks volumes about what kind of mother she is at the core.

Don't forget there was also a 2 month period when she abandoned the kids to our sole care so she could live 3 hours away and not be bothered by them.

 

[Fiver]

moomoo, I apologize if I offended your or caused you any added distress. That was not my intent, nor is it ever my intent to add anguish to a situation that is already painful. I simply tried to offer a realistic perspective.

I'll bow out here.

 

[moomoo]

Hey Fiver - no nothing in your post upset me at all.

I thought you had a real insight into family law, in fact.

Everything you said is true - about US wanting her punished.

About the judge not being interested in punishing her.

I'm not upset about that at all.

But what does upset me is family law itself.

A good parent who thinks of the welfare of the child/ren FIRST would never attempt to remove a loving parent.

After having been through this and suffered and witnessed all the damage it has caused I realise that a good parent would never do this to a child.

Dragging the other parent into court for no other reason than to 'try their luck' at moving 300kms away is child abuse.

It kills me that the judge might not see that --- or care.

 

[Fiver]

You'll get no argument from me that the system does indeed suck at times. It's changing, but changing slowly, as are most of the backward-thinking societal policies. Changing very slowly, I mean. Forty years ago (in most cases) the father would have been given nothing more than occasional visitation, regardless of whether or not the mother was fit for the job. Things are better, but they aren't fixed.

Your frustration is palpable and I'm over here wishing the best for you and everyone concerned, moomoo.

 

[moomoo]

Thanks for everything Fiver.

I'm sorry if you thought I was being aggressive... I really appreciate your posts, they are articulate and well thought out.

It's a highly emotive time for me.

 

[Fiver]

First of all, don't apologize to me! No need to go there, eh? I understand your frustration and your raw emotions. Family court is hard, very hard. I would think that being a criminal court judge would be a lot easier in many ways, because a lot of things are more black and white. But there are so many grey areas here, you've got kids, you've got mothers and fathers, grandparents, and did I mention kids? The Court always needs to take in the needs of the children first, and the sad fact is that modern times have not necessarily caught up with tradition.

That said, there's a need for a child to still have a connection with the mother in some way if it's feasible. It seems in your circumstances, this isn't really the optimal solution if he's going to do 50/50. Nevertheless, it's a reality you may have to deal with. My suggestion would be to start planning some family counseling between the kids, you, and your husband right now. Regardless of the Court's decision, it certainly can't hurt and will probably help squelch some problems before they even arise.

Mind you, I've never been married nor have I ever had children. But I do understand that the laws of our land are not based on justice, necessarily, nor are they based on equality. But it's what we have to live with. Therefore, being forewarned is forearmed (or whatever that saying is.)

I truly do understand your frustration. My hope is that you can perceive where the Court will be coming from so you can try to stay a step ahead.

Peace to you, MooMoo. Will you adopt me?