I'm at work trying to focus and I feel like putting my head down and just going to sleep. I'm very tired. I haven't slept well for the past few days. My posts yesterday were more of a symptom. Although, hiding from doctors/ nurses is a strong part of me. I'm going to take a risk here and try and stay focused for as long as I can.
I've been in remission w/BP for several years. Periodically, like now,though, I slip into this downward spiral where I shutdown. Two years ago, my mother got sick and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. She passed away in March. I'm trying to keep things together on all fronts. I'm the alpha in my house. I'm the one that makes things happen. My husband and I are doing okay and he's helping me clean my mom's house because my brother lives out of state and can't handle it. I keep trying to pick up the pieces there too and I get stymied. I miss my mom very much and I feel her presence all the time. I keep things in check though and do what needs to be done. I've made arrangements for a moving company to come and remove the contents of the house at the end of the month. We're preparing it to be sold. I want to keep it, but my brother doesn't. And, while I could buy him out, I don't want to deal with the possible emotional upheaval down the road. Besides, it wouldn't be fair to my husband because in my mind, the house would always be Mom's no matter how much we altered it.
Taking care of my son gives me a purpose and a wonderful distraction. He's very sensitive and picks up on the emotional climate in the house. So, I try very hard not to involve him in that. Yet, when things do go haywire, I check in with him and let him express his feelings. He's an old soul. And, I'm very supportive of his feelings regarding his grandmother. He's a good kid and I want him to be healthy and without hang-ups.
I'm rambling here. I did see my therapist last night and I was tight as a clam. I couldn't find words. When things are going great, I have no problems sharing things with her. When, I'm hurting and she's trying to get in, I'm running at full tilt. She is a life line when I allow her to be. I'm so scared of admitting that I feel bad. I'm afraid of dealing with me when I'm like this. I abhor being a burden to anyone. Right now, I would rather be in bed curled up with the dog and taking a nap. Yet, I've got to tear down my kitchen tonight because workers are coming tomorrow to start the installation of new kitchen cabinets. Because in addition to cleaning up Mom's house, we're preparing our condo to be sold so that we can move some time next year.
YES, I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself right now. I admit it. I don't know how to stop myself right now. I'm running and I'm running. I'm afraid to talk about what I feel because none of it feels okay.
I've been in remission w/BP for several years. Periodically, like now,though, I slip into this downward spiral where I shutdown. Two years ago, my mother got sick and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. She passed away in March. I'm trying to keep things together on all fronts. I'm the alpha in my house. I'm the one that makes things happen. My husband and I are doing okay and he's helping me clean my mom's house because my brother lives out of state and can't handle it. I keep trying to pick up the pieces there too and I get stymied. I miss my mom very much and I feel her presence all the time. I keep things in check though and do what needs to be done. I've made arrangements for a moving company to come and remove the contents of the house at the end of the month. We're preparing it to be sold. I want to keep it, but my brother doesn't. And, while I could buy him out, I don't want to deal with the possible emotional upheaval down the road. Besides, it wouldn't be fair to my husband because in my mind, the house would always be Mom's no matter how much we altered it.
Taking care of my son gives me a purpose and a wonderful distraction. He's very sensitive and picks up on the emotional climate in the house. So, I try very hard not to involve him in that. Yet, when things do go haywire, I check in with him and let him express his feelings. He's an old soul. And, I'm very supportive of his feelings regarding his grandmother. He's a good kid and I want him to be healthy and without hang-ups.
I'm rambling here. I did see my therapist last night and I was tight as a clam. I couldn't find words. When things are going great, I have no problems sharing things with her. When, I'm hurting and she's trying to get in, I'm running at full tilt. She is a life line when I allow her to be. I'm so scared of admitting that I feel bad. I'm afraid of dealing with me when I'm like this. I abhor being a burden to anyone. Right now, I would rather be in bed curled up with the dog and taking a nap. Yet, I've got to tear down my kitchen tonight because workers are coming tomorrow to start the installation of new kitchen cabinets. Because in addition to cleaning up Mom's house, we're preparing our condo to be sold so that we can move some time next year.
YES, I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself right now. I admit it. I don't know how to stop myself right now. I'm running and I'm running. I'm afraid to talk about what I feel because none of it feels okay.
