i am 40 years old. It has been 9 years since my husband left with my best friend. 6 years since i kicked out the abusive drug addict. almost 6 years since I moved across Canada. 5 years since i've been with my 9 years younger patient boyfriend.
When my ex_husband left me I was devastated. We were right in the middle of a big home renovation. We had a perfect relationship. I thought. He told me he loved me the night before he left. I had a friend helping me with the reno's. He was very helpful. We had known him less then year. he was great and also helped me though this rough time. Well, one thing led to another and we started to date. After watching him gobble up all the headache pills over and over again I jokingly asked if he was a drug addict. He looked at me funny and said "haha". A year later I relized that he was a meth user. Almost 2 years I lived with fear and misery. I stayed with him because I was already self destructing from my husband. I thought the whole thing was interesting. I would watch him and see what would happen next.
Well, turns out that he was a fly on the wall watching my breakup with my husband so he could move on in and take advantage of a vulnerable women. He did and I let him. I didnt care. intially I thought he had bipolar or some other mental illness. We went to therapy and everything. Only to find out the truth. He became extremly parinoid. He thought that me and the imaginary people outside the windows were out to get him. The blinds were always closed, the house silent as he would sit peeking outside and one eye on me. I was patient and I did what he wanted . That was to never be out of site, no tv, no radio. Even the pages I turned of the psycological and drug addict books I read were sometimes to loud and he would get angry. He was mental abusing mostly, occasionally physical. I think the devil took over the night he tried to kill me. He would accuss me of all kinds of things one day and tell me I was amazing the next. He raised my confidence as much as he took it away.He told me to let my friends and family go because I was driving them away with my misery. The story goes on with all kinds of crazy things.
He had sexual issues as well. He projected them on to me. {removed possibly triggering details} He never paid any sexual attention to me. Again, there is alot more to tell I just wanted you to get an idea.
I lost my job, my house and later had to go bankrupt. The last time I saw him was the day before the new owners of my house were to move in. We had planned to move to Vitoria where his children were. We rented a uhaul and everything. I was broke and had to borrow $4000 off my mother for the move. He freaked right out that night. So much so I had to kick him out. He stole my borrowed money. I was left high and dry.
My sister saved me. She bought me a plane ticket to Vancouver where she lives. 2 kennels and 2 suitcases. There my sister nutured me and got me back on my feet. I started a new life. Exciting. I thought I was going to be ok.
Not even a year had gone by and I met my sweety. It was nice to begin with. Then the first 1 1/2 years he was travelling with work and became a real handful for me. He slept with other women, lied, etc. The firt 2 years I broke up with him 3 times. After countless conversations and understandings we are doing great today(I think). The wounds from him cheating, my past before him I became very suspicious of him and didnt trust at all. I was the one that was continuing to make our relationship difficult.
I dont think he understood clearly what had happened to me. One day I walked into the living room and he was watching porno on his computer. It was no big deal to him until our sex life ditereated. Finally I explained to him again after a few more times i caught him watching porno but a little more detail so he would understand why I reacted the way I do. Finally he got it!! he was shocked and didnt relize the extent of my wounds.
I have lost all sexuall desire for my honey and I cant get it back. The whole porno thing disgust me now. We have tried a few things. Nothing is working. I feel terrible for him. He has been so patient with me. I want to give all of me to him but I cant. So, of course I worry he wil cheat on me again. My trust in him has improved. I watch him go out of his way to make sure Im ok with everything. Hes willing to go to sex therapy with me. He loves me the best way he knows how
I hope I dont drive him away.
Today we are planning a big move and I'm gonna work on myself to get better. Its been 9 years and I dont feel I had time to heel. I still go through major depression every now and then. Ill lock in the bedroom cause I dont want to burden my honey any further like Ive done with so many friends and family. I cry and I dont sleep properly. He has to sometimes hold me down while i sleep. Im running,kicking, arms whaling about, crying and yelling. I catch myself being controlling to him. sometime bossy. I was never like this.
I know I need to heel. Im exhausted and Im tired of feeling sorry for myself. I have read all kinds of self help and therapy books. Talked with lots of friends. Tried a few exersices to better myself. I am now putting the pressure on to myself to heel so I can love my man the way he should be loved. I feel like nothing is working and its getting worse. I am border line ready to self distruct again.
I need help from professionals now. All the hard work I did to try and fix myself was not successful. From all the reading and conversations I have had over the years. I beleive I have the knowledge and tools to heel, I just dont know how to apply it to myself. turns Im an expert for everyone but me. I just cant get through the thick sink I have developed.
Please help me
When my ex_husband left me I was devastated. We were right in the middle of a big home renovation. We had a perfect relationship. I thought. He told me he loved me the night before he left. I had a friend helping me with the reno's. He was very helpful. We had known him less then year. he was great and also helped me though this rough time. Well, one thing led to another and we started to date. After watching him gobble up all the headache pills over and over again I jokingly asked if he was a drug addict. He looked at me funny and said "haha". A year later I relized that he was a meth user. Almost 2 years I lived with fear and misery. I stayed with him because I was already self destructing from my husband. I thought the whole thing was interesting. I would watch him and see what would happen next.
Well, turns out that he was a fly on the wall watching my breakup with my husband so he could move on in and take advantage of a vulnerable women. He did and I let him. I didnt care. intially I thought he had bipolar or some other mental illness. We went to therapy and everything. Only to find out the truth. He became extremly parinoid. He thought that me and the imaginary people outside the windows were out to get him. The blinds were always closed, the house silent as he would sit peeking outside and one eye on me. I was patient and I did what he wanted . That was to never be out of site, no tv, no radio. Even the pages I turned of the psycological and drug addict books I read were sometimes to loud and he would get angry. He was mental abusing mostly, occasionally physical. I think the devil took over the night he tried to kill me. He would accuss me of all kinds of things one day and tell me I was amazing the next. He raised my confidence as much as he took it away.He told me to let my friends and family go because I was driving them away with my misery. The story goes on with all kinds of crazy things.
He had sexual issues as well. He projected them on to me. {removed possibly triggering details} He never paid any sexual attention to me. Again, there is alot more to tell I just wanted you to get an idea.
I lost my job, my house and later had to go bankrupt. The last time I saw him was the day before the new owners of my house were to move in. We had planned to move to Vitoria where his children were. We rented a uhaul and everything. I was broke and had to borrow $4000 off my mother for the move. He freaked right out that night. So much so I had to kick him out. He stole my borrowed money. I was left high and dry.
My sister saved me. She bought me a plane ticket to Vancouver where she lives. 2 kennels and 2 suitcases. There my sister nutured me and got me back on my feet. I started a new life. Exciting. I thought I was going to be ok.
Not even a year had gone by and I met my sweety. It was nice to begin with. Then the first 1 1/2 years he was travelling with work and became a real handful for me. He slept with other women, lied, etc. The firt 2 years I broke up with him 3 times. After countless conversations and understandings we are doing great today(I think). The wounds from him cheating, my past before him I became very suspicious of him and didnt trust at all. I was the one that was continuing to make our relationship difficult.
I dont think he understood clearly what had happened to me. One day I walked into the living room and he was watching porno on his computer. It was no big deal to him until our sex life ditereated. Finally I explained to him again after a few more times i caught him watching porno but a little more detail so he would understand why I reacted the way I do. Finally he got it!! he was shocked and didnt relize the extent of my wounds.
I have lost all sexuall desire for my honey and I cant get it back. The whole porno thing disgust me now. We have tried a few things. Nothing is working. I feel terrible for him. He has been so patient with me. I want to give all of me to him but I cant. So, of course I worry he wil cheat on me again. My trust in him has improved. I watch him go out of his way to make sure Im ok with everything. Hes willing to go to sex therapy with me. He loves me the best way he knows how
I hope I dont drive him away.Today we are planning a big move and I'm gonna work on myself to get better. Its been 9 years and I dont feel I had time to heel. I still go through major depression every now and then. Ill lock in the bedroom cause I dont want to burden my honey any further like Ive done with so many friends and family. I cry and I dont sleep properly. He has to sometimes hold me down while i sleep. Im running,kicking, arms whaling about, crying and yelling. I catch myself being controlling to him. sometime bossy. I was never like this.
I know I need to heel. Im exhausted and Im tired of feeling sorry for myself. I have read all kinds of self help and therapy books. Talked with lots of friends. Tried a few exersices to better myself. I am now putting the pressure on to myself to heel so I can love my man the way he should be loved. I feel like nothing is working and its getting worse. I am border line ready to self distruct again.
I need help from professionals now. All the hard work I did to try and fix myself was not successful. From all the reading and conversations I have had over the years. I beleive I have the knowledge and tools to heel, I just dont know how to apply it to myself. turns Im an expert for everyone but me. I just cant get through the thick sink I have developed.
Please help me
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