Pro-Ana addiction

[Misha]

Greetings all. I am addicted to pro-ana (pro-anorexic) web content, especially "thinspirational" images. I am very sick right now and know that I must stop this addiction before I go into recovery for my eating disorder. Feedback?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Are you seeing a therapist or counselor currently, qmnmd?

 

[ThatLady]

It sounds to me like you need to go into treatment for both problems, qmnmd. They're interrelated, and will require therapy to control. You need help and you need it fast!

 

[Misha]

Yes I do see a therapist but I feel so much like we don't get anywhere sometimes. She is an eating disorder specialist but i am so afraid to be honest because she will put me on meals at the hospital and i am so afraid of gaining.
I ate every scrap of food (and non-food) in my apartment and now i don't get my disability coverage this month so i have no food and no money... will make it easy to restrict and not binge/purge.... but i will be at a dangerous weight by the end of the month. I've already lost 45lbs since mid July. Which is a lot for a bulimic.
Hm... I can't go to a foodbank because I will just binge/purge that food away too. I can't keep food in my fridge or money in my account because it just disappears.
I just got out of psychiatric hospital (alberta hospital) on friday, I was discharged because the unit i was on was not equipped to handle my eating habit and i was cutting and breaking all the rules. It's depressing when you are too messed up for the nuthouse!!
My diagnoses are Borderline Personality, Major Depressive Disorder and Bulimia with tendencies towards Anorexia. It is just too much to handle. Especially living on my own.... I feel like I need to be in hospital again I am so suicidal and psychotic at night time.... but I just don't want that life. I want to be able to live on my own and take care of myself or not live at all.
So I am trying but I have been in and out of hospital all year, overdosing and cutting and all that jazz.... and I feel like it will never end.
So that's the summary. So yes I have a therapist but it is hard to be honest and sometimes I just need support at night.... which forums are good for. And I am very intellectual so it is good to arm myself with knowledge.
Thank you for letting me vent!!

 

[Halo]

The first thing that caught my attention when reading your post was that you say that you are afraid to be honest with your therapist because she will put you on meals at the hospital. I know that it is hard to be honest with a therapist especially when they are recommending something that just seems so out of your comfort zone but they are the trained professionals and if you truly do want to get better from your eating disorder then I think the first step that you need to take is to be completely open and honest with her about what you have been doing. I know it is hard and trust me I have been there. For me it was probably the hardest thing about therapy was being complely honest and not trying to hide things.

I feel like I need to be in hospital again I am so suicidal and psychotic at night time.... but I just don't want that life. I want to be able to live on my own and take care of myself or not live at all.

This part of your post also stuck out at me because I know that you say that you want to be able to take care of yourself and live on your own but right now you are struggling and if you are feeling suicidal then maybe the best place for you is the hospital or with someone who can help you through this rough time so you are not alone.

When are you suppose to see your therapist again? If it is not soon then do you think that you can call her and ask for an earlier appointment to talk about how you are feeling.

One more thing, there are some good resources here on this forum for those times when you are not sure that you are going to make it through. Here are some links to some other posts that might help.

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/showthread.php?t=4972

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/showthread.php?t=3368

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/showthread.php?t=1921

Take care

 

[Misha]

Thank you Nancy. I see my therapist on Tuesday, which I suppose when I think rationally is not too bad.
You are right about the discrepancies in my thinking. The thing that is hard for me is my fear that those in a position to do not want to help me. I am somewhat "hated" in every emergency room in Edmonton because I am there so much... so I'm always given a hard time when I go for help. And being discharged from the hospital because they were not equipped to handle me does not help me with that issue!!
Thank you though for your practical support and rationality.

 

[Halo]

Do you think that maybe it is not that you are "hated" in every emergency room but maybe it is that they do not know how to help you and they are upset/frustrated with themselves on what to do for you and you may be interpretting it as being hated. Just guessing here...I may be completely off base as I don't personally know your situation.

I am glad that you see your therapist on Tuesday and I know that it is hard but I strongly urge you to try to be honest with her. It may be difficult to talk out loud and be honest but you may want to try writing things down on paper and giving it to her at the beginning of the session. I know I have used that one a lot in the past when I have been afraid of saying somethingout loud and it usually words well for me.

Good luck with your appt. Tues.
Take care

 

[healthbound]

Hi qmnmd.

First of all, I wanted to tell you that I'm really glad you're using the forum. Like you, I tend to come here at night because that is when I often need the most support.

Second, I wanted to say that I think it takes courage and strength to deal with the issues you're talking about.

The thing that is hard for me is my fear that those in a position to do not want to help me.

It sounds like you've been going through a tough time and the people and resources that are "supposed" to help aren't. I can identify with that. It's extremely challenging to feel safe or know how to get better when the resourses we're reaching out to are saying they "can't" help us.

I am somewhat "hated" in every emergency room in Edmonton because I am there so much... so I'm always given a hard time when I go for help.

Even though it sounds like it's a crummy experience...I say, keep on going!!! Who cares how many times you've been there. If you are in danger of hurting yourself or others...the hospital is where you need to be.

I have only been hospitalized twice for mental illness. The first time was voluntary and was because my friends needed a break from keeping a 24 hour watch over me (it was right after my sister took her life and I thought I wanted to do the same). Understandably, they couldn't be with me all the time, so I agreed to go to the hospital. I was there for a little over a month.

The second time, I was admitted by the police (and that was fairly recently). That experience was a nightmare (it literally felt like a horrible nightmare). In fact, it was a powerful experience and as a result, I feel compelled (again) to create more awareness (which should contribute to more appropriate treatment) of mental illness. I still cannot get over the fact that so many people are affected by mental illness, yet an overwhelmingly high number of people and resources (especially those that are supposed to help with mental illnesses) are still completely inappropriate. But, I better get off my soap box now, before I really get going.

Anyway, the point is that it's good to see you here...and it's good that you're posting. There are lots of us that have repeat concerns, issues, emotions, thoughts etc. These forums are a great place to get support. And as long as you're following the Forum Rules and working through your stuff I don't think you'll be turned away. So, keep postin'

 

[ThatLady]

Thank you Nancy. I see my therapist on Tuesday, which I suppose when I think rationally is not too bad.
You are right about the discrepancies in my thinking. The thing that is hard for me is my fear that those in a position to do not want to help me. I am somewhat "hated" in every emergency room in Edmonton because I am there so much... so I'm always given a hard time when I go for help. And being discharged from the hospital because they were not equipped to handle me does not help me with that issue!!
Thank you though for your practical support and rationality.

There's a real problem with having the correct facilities to help people with mental illnesses; at least, in the US. Acute care hospitals end up with people with all kinds of problems, from extending heart attacks, to strokes, to internal bleeding ... you name it, it's there. These people are usually in the emergency room and their condition is urgent. If not treated immediately, they may expire immediately, or be left with terrible deficits.

I don't think the emergency room people really hate you, qmnmd; nor, do they really mean to give you a hard time. They're usually pretty stressed and they don't really have the facilities to deal with problems such as yours efficiently. It's more frustration and a feeling of helplessness that makes them react as they do to what is often called a "frequent flyer" (someone who comes often to the emergency room).

It's really a shame that this is the case. It's hard on you, and it's hard on the emergency room personnel, as well.

 

[Misha]

Hope? I found a post-pro-ana website. Perhaps it is possible to beat this. I have not met anyone who has left pro-ana (and I wouldn't I suppose based on the nature of the relationships and forums....) and it is soooo hard to make people understand.
Anyways the site is www.webiteback.com.
Perhaps one day I will be without this addiction and the guilt of it all.