Problems with mother

[cleofet]

I need help. Mother 87. I am the only caregiver & she is verbally abusive to me (not curse words) all the time. ,I am 57 and have many family matters I am dealing with. Nothing I do for her is good enough or right. She complains about absolutly everything from her head to her feet. She makes me make doctors apt. for her and I take her and the doctor tells her it is arthritis and gives her medician which she has me fill ten taks it once or twice and then says it makes her feel funny and she stops taking it. This is just one f the many times this has happened. She says I am uncaring and mean and I have no heart. I think she is finally losing her mind and I don't know what to do. She lives alone in a big house around the corner from me. She has me as exexutor of the will (it was made in PA but now she lives in LA) but will not give me any power of attorny. My sister has no talked to her in many many years and I don't blame her. If it wasn't for this great quilt I have I would have done the same. I need to know if there is a way to tell if she has dementia or Alzhimers and if I cn have her put into a nursing home or assisted livin. When she first moved here for a second time from Phila. PA I suggested that she go to assisted living but she refused and said she does not like old people. I just can't keep this up with the running back and forth to doctors and ER and then taking her crap on top of all that. What can I do? Any suggestions?

---------- Post added at 01:01 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:37 PM ----------

Just another point I forgt to make. My mother is and always was a narcissist it is just getting much worst now as she is older.

 

[Retired]

Have you ever had your mother evaluated by a geriatrician? If not, ask her GP for a referral for a full evaluation including medication issues as well as cognitive function.

There are often medication issues that need special consideration for dosage and administration in someone of her age, and it is quite possible the meds she has been prescribed are not quite right for someone her age, or in combination with other meds she may be taking, also due to her age and/or medical conditions.

Has your mother prepared a living will that explains her preferences for care if she experiences a major medical event such as a stroke, where she would be unable to make her wishes known?

What objection does she have to giving you power of attorney? Does she understand that if she becomes incapacitated, many of her assets would become frozen and/or inaccessible, resulting in things like her house possibly being lost?

 

[cleofet]

Thanks Steve,
I will talk to her primary care doctor and see if he can refer us to a doctor that specializes in elderly people. She does have a Living will for medical things only and it was don in 2005 while she still lived in PA. As faras the power of attorney she is afraid I will steal her money I guess. She said that someone at senior citizen in PA told her to never give anyone the power of attorney. I also do not have access to any of her accounts (she has at least two that I know of in PA) but I do have access to her checking account her in LA. Any time I approace the subject with her she say she will take care of if when the time comes. I guess I need to talk to a attorney now to get some sort of idea what to expect "When the time comes".

 

[Retired]

Conditions to precisely when and how a power of attorney comes into force are speeled out in the document, so your best strategy would be to get your mother in front of an attorney who can explain the details and reassure her. Obviously when the time comes is when it's too late; these things have to be attended to when a person is living and is lucid.

It would be the same as saying, "I'll write my will after I'm dead!"

If she doesn't trust you, then she needs to name a trusted friend of family member who agrees to take the responsibility, otherwise she can name a Trust Company; these insitutions have departments that provide this service, fo a fee they cn be named powers of attorney as well as executors of an estate.

No one with assets should postpone preparing these very important documents!

A power of attorney and living will as well as one's last will and testament need to be drawn up now.

 

[cleofet]

I know Steve. I will approach it with her again. I don't think she will go to an attorney but I can try to explain it to her again. Maybe I should just tell her that if she doesn't trust me with her money that maybe she should have someone else also be the executor of the will. I really don't know what all is involved in being an executor but I can imanagine that I would be in store for a lot of problems with the situation theway it is. Thanks again Steve. I will try to keep you all posted. Take care and God bless.