I am coming to the end of my rope with my sister and her unwillingness to accept responsiblity for anything.
I suspesct that there must be a name or a term for the type of behavior I am about to describe, or that it must be associated with some other kind of personality disorder or psychological problem.
I am hoping that maybe once I can label it or understand it better I can deal with it better or at least not let it bother me so much!
My sister has a responsible job, in which she has to make many decisions large and small, and she keeps getting advanced so she must be doing a decent job.
But in her personal life and personal affairs, she simply refuses to take responsibility. This is why I say she is "unwilling" to make decisions.
Let's say she asks for advice, you give her sound, level-headed advice because she requested it, you give her your best opinion. She does not take the advice and does what she was originally planning to do. It does not work out well - in fact, exactly what you thought would happen and what your advice would have prevented, happens.
She then gets mad at ME, saying, Well, it is YOUR fault, you knew this was going to happen. Why didn't you work harder to convince me? You should have prevented this from happening. She will then go around telling people how ithe situation is my fault because I didn't prevent it from happening!
If she asks advice and you give it, she proceeds to criticize it, condemn it, question it or even to laugh at it. Not only dismiss it, but "diss" it. Yes, the same advice that she will later get mad at you for not convincing her of, she will condescendingly reject.
If she does eventually take someone's suggestion (even after making fun of it, she will then grudgingly do it as if she is being pressured by galactic forces) and then doesn't like the outcome (which is most of the time), she immediately blames the peson who gave the suggestion that she grudgingly accepted - John thought it was a good idea, or Mary made me do it. Well.... so and so recommended it... it is NEVER her own decision. She acts as though others "make her do things" or somehow put her in a position where she "has" to... but it is totally not true.
She sometimes even imagines what she THINKS a person would suggest and then BLAMES THEM in absentia when she does what she THINKS they would have done, and is not satisfied with the results. "(I ordered the clams because Uva would probably have ordered clams, but what a mistake, I should have ordered steak.") Or, She took that job because she knew Mom would have thought it was a good idea, so even tho she hates it and it was a big mistake, Mom was wrong (BTW Mom passed years ago and did not weigh in on the job).
If you are unwilling to give an opinion - which by now most family and friends are loathe to do, because it causes nothing but grief - she will either not take any action until it becomes an emergency, or actually solicit the opinions of mere acquaintances or even strangers! If you just try to be supportive and listen to her and say well what do you think, you know best, the usual platitudes, etc, instead of offering an outright opinioin, she will get very mad at you, carrying a grudge because you are not supportive and won't give an opinion. She will get worked up into a tizzy and often storm out or be angry for days if someone won't offer concrete suggestions.
Sometimes she even combines the different responsibility shifting approaches together in one massive abdication of responsibility. If the first approach doesn't work, she defaults to the next, and then the next, etc..
She has excuses for everything. NOTHING is EVER her fault. There is always an excuse that exonerates her from any responsibility.
This happens over and over, and has happened over a long period of time, on issues larger or smaller. It continues to get worse as she gets older (she is in her 40's).
Again, I know there must be some kind of label or established shorthand description for this, other than "being a real winner
)
To be honest she is also a bit histrionic and covertly aggressive.
But this behavior is so consistent and so extreme that I am sure there must be some name or some explanation associated with it.
I am also curious why this only is a problem in her personal life, and not at work!
Any commentary welcome!!
Sincerely,
Uva
- - - Updated - - -
I just want to follow up by saying that after posting I clicked around the site and found the excellent post about Gaslighting - the post and the links to other articles in that post have given me a lot of insight into my sister's blame gaming and excuse making!
Wow. I am glad I came here and thanks for al lthe great posts.
I suspesct that there must be a name or a term for the type of behavior I am about to describe, or that it must be associated with some other kind of personality disorder or psychological problem.
I am hoping that maybe once I can label it or understand it better I can deal with it better or at least not let it bother me so much!
My sister has a responsible job, in which she has to make many decisions large and small, and she keeps getting advanced so she must be doing a decent job.
But in her personal life and personal affairs, she simply refuses to take responsibility. This is why I say she is "unwilling" to make decisions.
Let's say she asks for advice, you give her sound, level-headed advice because she requested it, you give her your best opinion. She does not take the advice and does what she was originally planning to do. It does not work out well - in fact, exactly what you thought would happen and what your advice would have prevented, happens.
She then gets mad at ME, saying, Well, it is YOUR fault, you knew this was going to happen. Why didn't you work harder to convince me? You should have prevented this from happening. She will then go around telling people how ithe situation is my fault because I didn't prevent it from happening!
If she asks advice and you give it, she proceeds to criticize it, condemn it, question it or even to laugh at it. Not only dismiss it, but "diss" it. Yes, the same advice that she will later get mad at you for not convincing her of, she will condescendingly reject.
If she does eventually take someone's suggestion (even after making fun of it, she will then grudgingly do it as if she is being pressured by galactic forces) and then doesn't like the outcome (which is most of the time), she immediately blames the peson who gave the suggestion that she grudgingly accepted - John thought it was a good idea, or Mary made me do it. Well.... so and so recommended it... it is NEVER her own decision. She acts as though others "make her do things" or somehow put her in a position where she "has" to... but it is totally not true.
She sometimes even imagines what she THINKS a person would suggest and then BLAMES THEM in absentia when she does what she THINKS they would have done, and is not satisfied with the results. "(I ordered the clams because Uva would probably have ordered clams, but what a mistake, I should have ordered steak.") Or, She took that job because she knew Mom would have thought it was a good idea, so even tho she hates it and it was a big mistake, Mom was wrong (BTW Mom passed years ago and did not weigh in on the job).
If you are unwilling to give an opinion - which by now most family and friends are loathe to do, because it causes nothing but grief - she will either not take any action until it becomes an emergency, or actually solicit the opinions of mere acquaintances or even strangers! If you just try to be supportive and listen to her and say well what do you think, you know best, the usual platitudes, etc, instead of offering an outright opinioin, she will get very mad at you, carrying a grudge because you are not supportive and won't give an opinion. She will get worked up into a tizzy and often storm out or be angry for days if someone won't offer concrete suggestions.
Sometimes she even combines the different responsibility shifting approaches together in one massive abdication of responsibility. If the first approach doesn't work, she defaults to the next, and then the next, etc..
She has excuses for everything. NOTHING is EVER her fault. There is always an excuse that exonerates her from any responsibility.
This happens over and over, and has happened over a long period of time, on issues larger or smaller. It continues to get worse as she gets older (she is in her 40's).
Again, I know there must be some kind of label or established shorthand description for this, other than "being a real winner
)To be honest she is also a bit histrionic and covertly aggressive.
But this behavior is so consistent and so extreme that I am sure there must be some name or some explanation associated with it.
I am also curious why this only is a problem in her personal life, and not at work!
Any commentary welcome!!
Sincerely,
Uva
- - - Updated - - -
I just want to follow up by saying that after posting I clicked around the site and found the excellent post about Gaslighting - the post and the links to other articles in that post have given me a lot of insight into my sister's blame gaming and excuse making!
Wow. I am glad I came here and thanks for al lthe great posts.
