Puke away the guilt

[Eye Stigmata]

I've had issues with my weight for most of my life.

After I was raped I began to gain weight like crazy....I felt that if I gained a bunch of weight then I would be "unattractive" and "unappealing" to these sick men....and also part of it was swallowing the feeling of hurt I felt inside...I hadn't really told anyone what happened, and I didn't really talk about it deeply with anyone.

i'm getting better at dealing with the pain, but for the past 5 months (really since i've started therapy)...I've been forcing myself to puke {edited for details: whenever I eat things I think I shouldn't have}

I'm getting addicted to do thing, and i can't always control everything I eat....how do I find a happy medium.....without harming my body SO much....

I end up feeling so quilty for eating that I puke, then I feel so guilty for harming my body that I end up cutting myself.......

seriously........i need help......

 

[Ashley-Kate]

hello,
As a former bulimic i understand how it feels the pull towards the disorder the releace you think you get once you rid yourself of what you believe to be "bad" or painfull yet is food and probably nutritious and good for you. I learned with my nutritionnist when i eat junk food or over eat it is because my body felt like i was restricting or i was restricting and not eating enough so when i do go to eat i eat too much and then feel guilty and the hole cycle starts over again.

I was abused for many years when i was a child, weird to say that when i am only 21 now and the abuse has just begun to end. I know how it feels to want to look unattractive my way was to try and be so frail and so fragile that people would be scared to approche me, when i learned that men liked curves i freeked out and that was the end of my puberty, weird to have your first period at 21. The thing the people that abuse you don't really care about how youlook if you are pretty or not they just care for control.

by making yourself unattractive will not keep them away it will just show people that you are unsure and insecure. By allowing yourself to enjoye life and eat well and become a solid and healthy person you will not only be proud of yourself but you will project to other people tht you are strong. a coupe years ago i started kick-boxing classes and to say the truth i really liked that it helped me realise that i could control my body i could protect it in a healthier way withought damaging it.

I still struggle on a daily basis yet i know now in my head that i can be strong i can be healthy. bulimia is a very dangerous disorder as you probably now and by purging you are riding your body of many important elements such as potassium wich is an electrolyte that helps your heart beat.every time you make yourself through up you through up potassium. I am not trying to be scary or frighten you in any way but it is a fact. if anything can help you see through the reliefe the bulimia provides you is the fact that bulimia can kill you and you don't really want to dye none of us do we just want to have control or have something that is ours.

When i stopped purging ( i still d obut very rarely compared to before) i slowed down because of that because i would think of myself babysitting my niece or out with friends and my heart would stop, and i would die and then i would think about all the things i have not done yet, like had a boyfriend overcame the abuse showed people that i was strong proved to them that i was not going to die of this disorder wich most people had predicted i was not going to let the e-d win. you probably have a little something in your life that you just could not imagine living without or a person that you love with all your heart what would you say to them if they had the same probleme and now use that advice and try it! but most of all know that you wont get up tomorrow morning and be healed comepletly.

 

[Jazzey]

You're absolutely right Ash. It took me a long time to figure it out (I'm a lot older) but abusers are abusers. They sense your vulnerability, that you've been a victim already. How you look isn't what draws them to you.

So whether it's anorexia or bulimia, we're only hurting ourselves. As for being the target of abusers - we can change this too. By getting therapy and changing our thinking patterns about abuse...Boy, I wish I'd learned that lesson a little while back.