Punished for things that are out of your control, and dealing with the aftermath

[sentinel]

Growing up, I got knocked about a lot. Ok I'm sure I got hit for stuff that I did "wrong" (i.e. genuinely making mistakes, or ordinary childish behaviour). However the thing was, if my little sister misbehaved and got caught, I got the beating (usually slippered) because as the older one I'd made her do it. I also used to get beat for upsetting my dad, and I would be told I'd made him beat me as if I was the villian and he the victim ("Look what you've done to me" etc etc). However, anything and everything could upset my father - he could be happy with something one day, outraged about it the next, with no other change in circumstances.

I really struggle now with anxiety, because as soon as I let things get on top of me, then I feel both responsible for things and yet feel I have little influence/control over events. It can be really quite overwhelming. I am trying to have EMDR but I also have a big fear of talking about the abuse and also of expressing strong emotion (crying or showing fear in any way was also inviting a beating, plus my dad used to go absolutely ape, screaming and crying, which frightened me a lot), so progress has been slow - after a few months, finally the therapist is thinking we can go ahead with doing EMDR.

So here I am, wound as tight as a spring, and wondering if I'm the only one. If I'm not, how have others coped with it, dealt with it, as an adult. Will I ever unstick myself?

 

[forgetmenot]

I think with therapy you will be able to get past the emotional abuse you suffered as a child It won't be easy but with proper guidance and a psychologist that deals with trauma it can be done. As an adult all one can do is take one day at a time okay try not to let the emotions of the past rule you. You are not responsible for others mistakes and um yeh i was always taught tears weren't necessay they don't resolve anything so emotions were kept deep inside. I think once you are able to let this pain come to the forefront and deal with it you will be able to start to heal. It has just been recently i have allowed by self to cry even though i get angry at myself for doing so i allow the pain out now because i know it is the only way to finally deal with it and hope get rid of it once and for all. I hope all goes well with your therapy let us know how you do okay You can always come here and let some of emotions out that way to by just writing about them take care

 

[sentinel]

The thing is because it wasn't just emotional abuse (a lot of it wasn't just getting slippered), my reactions to any danger situations (like talking about stuff face to face) are so visceral that I just lock up physically.

 

[forgetmenot]

I think your therapist will see that and if you communicate this to him or her she will be able to gain your trust and get you to not lock up as you say. It will take time to build trust again in people It took me a long time to trust my therapist but i do now I still hold back not able to let it all go but in time maybe JUst know take one day at a time okay trust you will build with the help of your therapist It won't happen overnight but it will happen and soon you will be able to let down the guard a bit okay Your therapist is there to guide you threw the emotions all of them okay. You have strength in that you have reached out for help. Take each session as it is presented and trust your therapist to guide you take care