Quiet Borderline

[AmZ]

During my journey to recovery I have been reading many websites that talk about the 'quiet borderline'.

I was very confused at the beginning when I received my diagnoses of BPD as when I read up on it, it said outward anger, outward this, outward that etc.

I'm the opposite. The anger, upset, turmoil and emotions are on the inside. So I struggled to relate to my diagnosis.

However, just take a search now on Google of 'quiet borderline' and you'd be suprised how many articles, blogs and BPD information websites come up with details about the quiet borderline.

It looks like people are becoming more aware of this 'type' of BPD and there are more and more blogs (including my own) where people are giving their daily accounts of how it is to live with this illness.

Funily enough, as much as I talk about myself being a quiet Borderline, a massive change has happened in the last 2 1/2 years since I began therapy and had my mental breakdown.

Now, I am your 'typical' borderline pretty much. I get visibly and vocally angry, I kick doors, I shout and scream whilst crying my eyes out, for the first time in my life I have my own backbone and I stand up for myself. For the first time in my life I am assertive and don't take crap from anyone.

Problem is, I feel everything 100 times stronger and I don't know how to deal with my emotions and feelings. It's all a crazy whirlwind of going inbetween quiet states where my body shuts down and I start internalising things again and want to self-harm as a release. Then the next minute I am raging with anger, overreacting to things and can't control my emotions.

I don't know what's better?! It's good that I have come out of my shell, as it were, but like I say, I'm like a burns victim where my skin is exposed and every little touch or exposure to outside extremities is extremely painful.

I have gone from one extremity to the other and it's really crazy to see and feel. For others too, they see such a huge change in me.

Now I've gone too far off on the other side, I need to come back a bit and find the right balance. It's certainly an interesting journey to be on.

I hope that the DBT will get me levelled out.

I've still got some way to go as I'm having the ECT (to treat my treatment resistant depression) before I start the DBT. My doctors have said that if the ECT works then we will be able to see a change within 2-3 ECT, of which I will be doing twice a week. I can't explain how desperate I am to get this depression lifted. But I'm trying to keep level headed and not get excited as you never know, it may not work. I'm pretty terrified that that will happen but I'm trying my best not to think about it.

I'm starting the ECT this coming Monday at 8.30am. Put your prayers in for me guys!

I'd be interested to discuss this topic of which I've just written about in more detail. If anyone has experience with BPD, whether it be outward or inward BPD, or if you have knowledge about this subject, experience also with ECT, whatever, I'd be happy to hear anything. If anyone has anything to add about the process I have been through and how it looks looking from the outside, I'd be interested to hear.

Thanks.

 

[AmZ]

I don't know what is happening with me but it's really weird.

The last three nights I've managed to sleep 7 hours. Since my breakdown begun 2 1/2 years ago I haven't managed to sleep for more than four hours a night, and that's even pushing it. So I don't know where this has come from. I'm still waking up once always at 4.30am but I get back to sleep within half an hour.

I can't work out if the depression is subsiding and this weird BPD 'power' and 'strength' is coming out. It's not like hypomania but in some ways it's similar.

I'm full of energy and for example, today I was on duties for setting up for all meals and cleaning after etc. I did it like superwoman. My heart was racing the whole time and I felt like I was in overdrive. I had to stack chairs and all of a sudden I had this crazy strength in me that I haven't had in my life before.

I'm full of anger a lot of the time. I feel like I've changed in to another person, and not for the better. I'm feeling impulsive, just about managing to stop myself from self-harming. I just went to go and get my medications and I finished the cup of water, sat down by the nurse with my legs shaking like crazy and smashed my hand down on the cup and crushed it. She asked if I was ok. I don't really know. I feel like I'm raging inside.

So, what is the deal? Does any of this make sense in the process of recovery? What else can you see?

Thanks.

---------- Post Merged at 11:42 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 09:19 PM ----------

Just trying to get a personal or professional opinion on all of this. Not a diagnosis. Just trying to make sense of it all. My psychologist is off on holiday until Thursday and I'm missing out on those sessions. So I am in the meantime trying my best to blog, talk to nurses and seek advice or words of wisdom from you guys.

Where is everyone?
I know you have plenty to offer me.

 

[Mari]

H! AmZ, I am so tired I can barely think even though like you, I have been sleeping seven hours the past few days. Strange too that I also wake around 4:30 although sometimes I cannot go back to sleep but I do try. I know only one person personally who I am aware of being diagnosed with BPD so there is really not a lot I can say. One thing I find interesting is that she says I am one of the few people who understand and I am not sure why or what she means because most days I think that there is nothing I understand. That is not much to offer although I do hope things go well for you on Monday.

 

[gooblax]

My only thought is that sometimes emotions and reactions don't need to be questioned - they just are. In the past I spent a lot of time over-analysing my feelings, but it turned out that it was more helpful for me to just identify the broad category of the feeling and then do something else.

 

[MHealthJo]

Like others, I don't have personal experience so can't add much, except hoping the ECT goes well for you.

I am familiar with feeling 'out of control', but that can describe really different sensations for different people and different situations.

Keep on with the good stuff you're doing - opening in therapy, suggestions from your therapist for homework etc, reading, feeling, safe expressing. x

 

[AmZ]

Thanks. For the replies guys. Very interesting. X