Reality

[forgetmenot]

don't want to be in a world where i seem to harm others without even trying but i do

so tired of reality of what is in front of me
reality is there will always be suffering all around always and i am not able to do a thing to stop it

I was kept well to help them all and i tried and i failed i am tired lord
i want reality to go away i want to find a place that is safe REALITY nothing is real nothing

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Maybe it would help to look at it this way:

Reality may not be what you have experienced thus far. That is the reality you know but there are alternate realities, realities in which you allow and encourage yourself to look after yourself first instead of devoting all your energies to worrying about and looking after other people.

That doesn't mean you have to give up caring about and looking after other people. The two goals are not incompatible.

One of the ways I reconciled the two for myself is by coming to understand that if I didn't take time for myself and nurture myself there wouldn't be anything left to give to anyone else.

That was a major turning point for me. Maybe it could be for you too...

 

[forgetmenot]

I have nothing else to give now Reality is what it is and i know only too well what it will become
but i do understand what you said i do thank you for your advice i cannot show me compassion i just can't

 

[David Baxter PhD]

If you can't, who can? Who will?

 

[forgetmenot]

I don't want compassion i don't wnat care does that make sense i want to go away but i can't i dont' want to have to look at me i don't want to talk
i want just a place that is quiet and peaceful and a place where i have not to make any decisions oh god
I hate me so much still ihate me so much and i cannot show that then they will all see my pain my weakness
If i do not take care of me noone else will i understnd that i do im sorry how does one care for something they despise how
i guess i have pushed me to my limits i have burned me out sleep is the only way i know how to care for me now and i can't even seem to do that well

 

[Banned]

don't want to be in a world where i seem to harm others without even trying but i do

The word that jumps out at me is "seem". It's subjective, and you might think its your reality but is it others' reality?

Do you think that if you could get back on your meds your perspective might change?

 

[forgetmenot]

Meds only made things even more clearer but um iguess thatis a topic i can bring up with my therapist reality will not change and i have harmed so many i have

 

[Banned]

I don't want compassion i don't wnat care does that make sense i want to go away but i can't i dont' want to have to look at me i don't want to talk
i want just a place that is quiet and peaceful and a place where i have not to make any decisions oh god
I hate me so much still ihate me so much and i cannot show that then they will all see my pain my weakness
If i do not take care of me noone else will i understnd that i do im sorry how does one care for something they despise how
i guess i have pushed me to my limits i have burned me out sleep is the only way i know how to care for me now and i can't even seem to do that well

Why do you hate yourself so much? If you are so terrible and unlikable why would you want to share yourself with others? Do you see the contradiction? You obviously have something to give but it doesn't mean you need to give all of yourself all of the time. David already made that point about looking after yourself first and you can do that by having a nice bath, reading a book, going for a walk, etc...

---------- Post Merged at 08:37 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 08:36 PM ----------

i have harmed so many i have

According to who?

 

[forgetmenot]

I will take a bath i will shut the lights off and find a quiet place your right those things i can do

Just someone who has stated so and i know i have harmed i know i did not mean to do so bt i did

lights off going to bed all good things to do i guess small things i can do your right take some kind of control back

 

[Banned]

I think all of us at some poin in our lives hurt someone else, be it intentionally or not. Its part of being human. That's why apologies exist. I've hurt a LOT of people in my life, and it's not cool, but I'd hurt a lot more if I ended my life. That would be even less cool.

Take a step back and do some self-soothing. Tomorrow is a new day.

 

[forgetmenot]

The apology is never accepted and that is ok that is their choice ya tomorrw is another day your right im ok will sleep ihope soon see my therpaist tomorrw and i will decide what next step to take another decison to make ok breath go to sleep your right im sorry reality just hurts so much right now

---------- Post Merged on August 30th, 2012 at 07:46 AM ---------- Previous Post was on August 29th, 2012 at 10:54 PM ----------

YOur right Dr Baxter i had forgotten what nourishment was even stupid me until turtle explained again small things just small things that will help me keep my energy up

sleep is one eating is another i have to eat something i think also i get dehydrated i forget to drink in this weather

Ok i understand reality will not change but in order to face it i need to have energy

will try to take care of me more thanks iwill be ok

 

[forgetmenot]

Went to therapy today my T explained to me reality can be different outside my bouondaries uh just like Dri Baxter said Also said that one needs to replenish oil Mother Teresa said that to keep going
My homework is to stay out of that bed try to do small things for me i did buy me two new shirts
Also to try and talk to someone when i was out I did talk to a lady who talk to me first at Tim Hortons wished her a good day at the end of it i was with my girll i took her out for lunch
I then visited my twin and mother and have invited them to supper but they won't come so i will bring supper to them
i hve managed to stay out of bed all day but i think i need to sleep just for an hour as i am beat now
Will try hard to nourish me i will trust people no not yet anyways but maybe someday

 

[forgetmenot]

No matter what my reality is how painful it is how dark it seems at times reality is i have to somehow just keep going and not let emotions win

 

[forgetmenot]

Reality there is no such thing nothing is what it seems to be no one is as they say all lies this world no realty no wonder people get so lost

 

[NeedaName]

It's all perspectives. My Grandmother always said there's your side of the story, their side of the story and the truth usually rests somewhere in the middle. When it seems like it's all lies, I try to remember that.

 

[forgetmenot]

The truth will always come out in the end it will .That is what my aunt always said

leave it be and soon enough lies will be shown and truth be known

I hope someday truth will be revealed

 

[Darkside]

I have nothing else to give now Reality is what it is and i know only too well what it will become
but i do understand what you said i do thank you for your advice i cannot show me compassion i just can't

Unless you've developed the power to tell the future you don't know what is coming. Nobody does - except God.

One of my favorite movies is "Where the Heart Is" with Natalie Portman and Ashley Judd. There is a scene where Natalie's character (Novalee Nation) is consoling her friend who is wondering what to tell her children after she and them have just been brutally attacked. She tells her this:

"You tell them that our lives can change with every breath we take... and tell 'em to hold on like hell to what they've got: each other, and a mother who would die for them and almost did... You tell them we've all got meanness in us, but we've got goodness too. And the only thing worth living for is the good. And that's why we've got to make sure we pass it on."

If you are like me you grew up believing that living for yourself, expressing your desires and needs and using your own heart and mind was wrong and made you bad. I learned very early that I was expected to take care of everyone's needs and feelings and that my own feelings and needs were unimportant. Classic co-dependency.

Guess what - its a lie told by people who didn't know how to take care of themselves and had to rely on little children to make them feel better.

 

[forgetmenot]

In a twisted way they made me into someone they gave me skills to become a carer without those skills i would be no one iam grafeful for what is now

 

[Darkside]

What I've had to do is learn to be a "carer" for myself. I forget all the time, and the gravity of my childhood and the ingrained reflexes in my reptilian brain keep pulling me back in my old way of doing things. Forgetting to eat and drink and exercise are things you do for yourself - for your health and well-being. As one therapist told me (or maybe I read it in a book) at this stage in life if you don't take care of yourself no one is going to do it for you.

 

[forgetmenot]

Yes hun no one will take care of you but you i know that hun
I too have to remind myself of that one because sometimes end of the day i have forgotten to eat or drink
I just get myself so busy so i don't have to think
Taking care of oneself seems so much more difficult then taking care of others but iknow it has to be done
I am glad you are taking care of YOu now hun and you have learned that you are important hugs