Yesterday, I got a name for what is 'wrong with' me after searching for it my whole 30 years on this planet. It's called "Emotional detachment". Here is the definitation of what that is:
Emotional detachment in the first sense above often arises from psychological trauma and is a component in many anxiety and stress disorders. The person, while physically present, moves elsewhere in the mind, and in a sense is "not entirely present", making them sometimes be seen as preoccupied or distracted. Still, it is often not as outwardly obvious as other psychiatric symptoms; people with this problem often have emotional systems that are in overdrive. They have a hard time being a loving family member. They avoid activities, places, and people associated with any traumatic events they have experienced. The dissociation can also lead to lack of attention, and hence to memory problems, and in extreme cases, amnesia.
Here is a snipit from a web site which describes me to a T.
"Later in their relationship, Marie asks Meursault if he wants to marry her. He responds that it doesn't matter to him, and if she wants to get married, he would agree. She then asks him if he loves her. To that question he responds that he probably doesn't, and explains that marriage really isn't such a serious thing and doesn't require love.
Also this guy was unwilling to lie. Which is me also.
My question is this:
When you have known no other way of life how/what or where is the first in trying to reach somekind of normality or normal living/normal way of life, both for me and for my kids ?
By the way, I'm not jumping to concolusions regarding this. This whole 'emotions' thing is what cost me an 8 year relationship. it is why my sexuality is so confused (the question 'Might I be gay ?' crops up the odd time, it is why I feel tense 24/7, it is why I cannot concentrate, it is why my hand writing is v poor, it is why I did not achive well a school, it is why I am in my current job which mainly involves problem determination, it is why I tend to avoid going out alone, it is why I have very few friends, it is why...... etc. Because of items like "Do you feel compelled to perform certain behaviors repeatedly e.g., checking that you locked the doors or turned off the gas?" Take all of that along with the fact that I am the father of 2 kids, both unplanned, recenlty bought an apartment which is not really what I wanted, plus a few other things and you will get some idea of where I am right now.
The "problem determination" thing I see as been symbolic. e.g. I am searching for who I am. Some more examples of what I see as symoblisim in my life are:
I somethings think I would like to do an acting class. I put this down to when I build and place myself on a mental stage. e.g. getting into a situation or arranging myself in a conversation where I know I will be required.
Another Pattern: I tend to chat/date more than 1 woman at a time. only a recent phonem mind.
Another Pattern: I get a num feeling in the left hand side of my face and left arm.
Another pattern: Sometimes I dress up, go down the pub and just sit there. Not taking to anyone. If I start to take to someone I tend to open up and reveal alot about myself. I'm not the crying on someone elses shoulder type, I just talk about my life to date. I know how unwise this is and have noticed a certain pattern by where I meet the same people for a little while then we just part. I feel we part becuase they have found more interesting conversation.
I recenlty bought a dictionary. Bought it becuase I felt/feel I cannot pickup or cannot associate any meaning from ANY words. While I can and could always read the meaning of a word, I find that I cannot relate to most of the words in the dictionary. My idea of think is to relate things to something else. Most of the times I just let things drift by. I am very aware that of missed opportunities becuase of this but I alway let the next opportunity slip aswell.
As for been emotionally detached, I guess I have gotten so used of saying things like 'crying is not going to solve this' or 'telling someone about something is going to be of no use'. I belive I have gotten to the stage where I do not know what emotion is or how a person feels emotion.
The 'gay thing' is becuase I am probally sexually inexperaninced. Sex was never discussed at home in my teenage years. kissing and humam contact on tv and it was turned off if only for 2 minutes. I never dated at school. Had sex for first time outside a night club. I then fell into a relationship where she would start all sexual contact and 2 kids resulted from that. After that relationship ended I found a girl and I had to do all the make sexual contact. For me, I probally try to think I have enought expreiance to be on the 9th floor only I have never built any foundation. What hope for a 31 year at this point eh! So for a person with my current sexual mindset I guess the question of 'do I think I'm gay' is not an odd question. Don't get me wrong, I do not think I'm gay. I have interacted with may gay people in life and find them to be as normal as the next 'man'.
As for been a father. well I'mjust getting out of the idea of not 'clock watching' when I have the kids. I'm am currently bringing their mother through the courts to resolve legal guardinship, access and maintance. Last week I secured legal guardinship and today I got a summons issued for a maintance review and an access review. She is 'totally' not over the break up on a mental level. Perhaps I'm not as I sometimes say 'I knew going into the relationship what was going to happen and perhaps I am responsible for wasting 8 years of another person life!' Perhaps if I let me guard down and find out what is going on inside my head I will be overwhelmed by the break up. I hope not as I can see what happened and have tried to move on a best as possible. Would I go back to her, I feel not. and not becuase of the sh** that has been thrown out in court but just as a person.
This is driving me slowly towards the end! I feel like a turd that has been floating on top of a sweage pit all my life.
What is recommended for someone who is constantly thinking when eating for example ?
What is recommended for someone who fails to satsify his woman in bed because he is thinking.
I say with a tear in my eye "What is the point ?"
What is the point in doing anything good if I cannot relate it to something or see it going towards a short or near term goal ?
I'm constantly tired. Tend to 'phase' out of a conversation and either stand edily bye or just phyically wander off for a stroll.
While I can read some books eg. si fi and tend to enjoy the story perhaps because they are a way of escaping from current reality, My heart rate jumps sky high, the pit of my stomarch is lifted into my chest, my tempeture goes up and if I survive that and start to read a different book I will not remember any of it. Saying that I have read a few UNIX technical books and passed the end exams. Feel like I don't have it in me any more to do that. Not that I want to, but I would like to study a collage course of some kind.