Sabotaging more and more

[al_krayno]

I haven't been here in forever. Things were ok, for a while, but then one thing after another kept happening, and I blew up. And I just can't stop, and its been since May 2006. Lost my friends, job, everyones respect. My dog trembles when I'm around. When anything in the house makes a loud breaking noise, then my mother just starts falling to the floor crying. I'm stuck wanting to hurt anyone that attempts to walks my direction.
I do things to keep me busy and mind occupied, but then I just snap in middle of activity and start breaking things or cuss loudly to my own stuff. Because I been so hurt by losing all my friends and they in turn write and speak such bad things about me that it hurts. I decided no more friends ever. I told the friends that tried to stay my friends, that I don't want friends or people feeling sorry for me. So to go away. Changed my number and stuff. But I don't want new friends and go through this again. It happens so many times. That they find out I'm not normal, and I try to apologize and they tell me that they are to stay away from people like me. I wish I could disappear. I just quit taking strattera. It helped the anger, and helped school stuff, but it made me cry everyday, and really suicidal. So I quit. But my anger is all back. And my neighbors are plotting something against me.

Some people accuse false things of me that isn't true. My music teacher accuses me of being on drugs, that I don't ever practice, that I don't care about playing music and I'm waisting their time and that I won't last, and he wishes I would just quit now so I won't be waisting their time. He doesn't know that I do care, and I practice everyday, and that my neighbors complain daily because I practice everyday on a phone book. I know all the songs, but He makes me so nervous that I can't explain anything to him or play anything right. He stands there always insulting me. And There are others who been there same time as me, and they can't play any songs yet and he thinks highly of them. It bugs me cause I am not on drugs, and I do care about the band. also, All my neighbors are getting together and are planning on doing something with me. Sue me or something. They've threaten to do it before, I know they are getting ready to threat again. They had police over numerous times and the police told me how pathetic I am and my family should be ashamed and embarrassed to have me. The neighbors and police are forcing us to move out the neighborhood, And now they want to do more to ruin things for us.

its all getting worse and worse. I'm wishing to attack something, someone, everything, myself too. But I'm stuck. I tried to go to counseling through the school, but they said no, not sure why.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't understand... why are the neighbors trying to run you out of the neighborhood?

Have you been back to your doctor to ask about alternative medications? There are several that may help you with anger, including the SSRI medications.

 

[al_krayno]

Neighbors running me out because I'm not quiet. I practice drumming, and do cuss lots. Which I only can do an hour a day at normal hours. And 2 hours a day on vacation, which is only about couple times a year. And I don't even have a drum, I practice on a phonebook or cardboard box.

I tried calling my doc, they never called back. It is holiday break though. I don't know what left there is. I been on practically everything. But they change my diagnoses just as much as the meds. The anti-depressants like prozac and zoloft made things worse. zoloft & paxil made me more sad and suicidal. Prozac made me more sad and aggitated. Wellbutrin made me increase tics and more cussing and more aggitated, and confused. So did stimulant ADD meds. respiradol, haldol, seroquel made me more depressed and more foggy headed and stupider. I didn't even know how to say my own name at times. depakote and Lamictal also made me more stupid, tired, and cry a lot, numb inside, more emotional at wrong times. I don't know what is left. But all the meds might help one thing, but worsen something that is bad. And then I'm kicked out school or job or locked up. I do need the anger treated, but god I dont need the meds making it worse where Im more mad or crying all the time or so stupid that I'm floating out on the streets an easy target for muggers.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Al, with that list of medications and symptoms (implied or explicit), I'm not going to attempt to give you advice other than to say you need to go back to your doctor(s) and give them the feedback and the information they need to find something that will help you without bothersome side-effects - and I mean both psychotherapy/counseling and medication.