Self Hugging: Believing Your Values Can Make Others Happy
Psychology Today blog: Who We Are
by Steven Reiss, PhD
Self-hugging is a natural tendency to assume that our values produce the greatest happiness, not just for ourselves, but potentially for everybody. When people learn what makes them happy, they assume they have learned something about human nature, when in reality they have only learned about themselves. A good case in point is the educator who enjoyed school when he/she was a student. The educator concludes "intellectualism is fun" rather than "intellectualism is fun for me," even claiming that everybody is born like him with the capacity to enjoy school. So when the educator encounters a student who hates deep thinking, the educator wonders what is wrong with the student rather than realize that the student just has a different nature than he does.
Self-hugging is the key to understanding human relationships, including romantic, family, peer, or business relationships. Self hugging motivates the myth that anybody can change to learn to enjoy what I enjoy. The ambitious parent, for example, is baffled by the laid back child who rejects hard work and says he/she does not value achievement. The ambitious parent should conclude, "My child has a different nature from me," but all too often the ambitious parents thinks, "Something must be wrong with my child for not being able to enjoy achievement. Is he afraid of failure? Does he lack confidence?" The possibility that the child has confidence but simply doesn't enjoy achievement isn't even considered. The parent is narrow minded while patting himself/herself on the back for being broad minded in trying to understand "what is wrong" with the child.
Nearly all couples have the same quarrels over and over again. They do not resolve because the quarrels are conflicts in core values motivated by self-hugging. The organized spouse, for example, expects to be appreciated for his/her housekeeping habits that keep the home clean and the household running efficiently. The spontaneous spouse, however, doesn't value a high degree of orderliness but instead enjoys spontaneity and following one's nose. This spontaneous spouse feels uncomfortable in an immaculate home with nothing out of place, but the organized spouse feels uncomfortable in a home where clothes are lying on the floor and dirty dishes are in the sink. The quarrel never resolves because each is comfortable with an environment that causes discomfort for the other. Each thinks they have discovered what is best and neither appreciates the individuality of natures.
Money issues provide another common example of self-hugging. The saver has never enjoyed spending money, while the spender has never enjoyed saving money. The saver assumes that something is wrong with spender, such as "irresponsibility" or "compulsiveness". The spender dismisses the saver as a miser and thinks the persons needs to lighten up. The saver thinks the spender would be happier being more responsible with money, and the spender thinks the saver should enjoy money more by actually spending it.
In 1843 Oxford University philosopher George Ramsay succinctly explained self-hugging.
He wrote:
"The same difference of feeling and dullness of imagination in men explain what often has been observed, that one half of mankind pass their lives in wondering at the pursuits of the other. Not being able either to feel or to fancy the pleasure derived from the other sources than their own, they consider the rest of the world as little better than fools, who follow empty baubles. They hug themselves as the only wise, while in truth they are only narrow-minded."
Steven Reiss, PhD is Emeritus Professor of Psychology and Psychiatry at Ohio State University and author of The Normal Personality: A New Way of Thinking About People (2009).
Psychology Today blog: Who We Are
by Steven Reiss, PhD
Self-hugging is a natural tendency to assume that our values produce the greatest happiness, not just for ourselves, but potentially for everybody. When people learn what makes them happy, they assume they have learned something about human nature, when in reality they have only learned about themselves. A good case in point is the educator who enjoyed school when he/she was a student. The educator concludes "intellectualism is fun" rather than "intellectualism is fun for me," even claiming that everybody is born like him with the capacity to enjoy school. So when the educator encounters a student who hates deep thinking, the educator wonders what is wrong with the student rather than realize that the student just has a different nature than he does.
Self-hugging is the key to understanding human relationships, including romantic, family, peer, or business relationships. Self hugging motivates the myth that anybody can change to learn to enjoy what I enjoy. The ambitious parent, for example, is baffled by the laid back child who rejects hard work and says he/she does not value achievement. The ambitious parent should conclude, "My child has a different nature from me," but all too often the ambitious parents thinks, "Something must be wrong with my child for not being able to enjoy achievement. Is he afraid of failure? Does he lack confidence?" The possibility that the child has confidence but simply doesn't enjoy achievement isn't even considered. The parent is narrow minded while patting himself/herself on the back for being broad minded in trying to understand "what is wrong" with the child.
Nearly all couples have the same quarrels over and over again. They do not resolve because the quarrels are conflicts in core values motivated by self-hugging. The organized spouse, for example, expects to be appreciated for his/her housekeeping habits that keep the home clean and the household running efficiently. The spontaneous spouse, however, doesn't value a high degree of orderliness but instead enjoys spontaneity and following one's nose. This spontaneous spouse feels uncomfortable in an immaculate home with nothing out of place, but the organized spouse feels uncomfortable in a home where clothes are lying on the floor and dirty dishes are in the sink. The quarrel never resolves because each is comfortable with an environment that causes discomfort for the other. Each thinks they have discovered what is best and neither appreciates the individuality of natures.
Money issues provide another common example of self-hugging. The saver has never enjoyed spending money, while the spender has never enjoyed saving money. The saver assumes that something is wrong with spender, such as "irresponsibility" or "compulsiveness". The spender dismisses the saver as a miser and thinks the persons needs to lighten up. The saver thinks the spender would be happier being more responsible with money, and the spender thinks the saver should enjoy money more by actually spending it.
In 1843 Oxford University philosopher George Ramsay succinctly explained self-hugging.
He wrote:
"The same difference of feeling and dullness of imagination in men explain what often has been observed, that one half of mankind pass their lives in wondering at the pursuits of the other. Not being able either to feel or to fancy the pleasure derived from the other sources than their own, they consider the rest of the world as little better than fools, who follow empty baubles. They hug themselves as the only wise, while in truth they are only narrow-minded."
Steven Reiss, PhD is Emeritus Professor of Psychology and Psychiatry at Ohio State University and author of The Normal Personality: A New Way of Thinking About People (2009).
