- May 17, 2005
As I read each post I feel less alone in this disease, I call self injury a disease because I have been self harming myself since I was 6 years old, now I am 38. I have read that 10% of self injury is hair pulling. Everyday I tell myself not to hair pull, but everyday without evening knowing I do it, I find a pile of hair on the floor. I wasn't always just a hair puller, at the early age of 10, I used to keep a rifle in my make shift fort, it was a place of being safe, no one knew of this place. I would go to my fort and try to find the courage to pull the trigger of my already loaded gun. One day I took the gun to my father and gave him. That part of my life was over. Next I graduated to cutting with a razor on my arms and hands. That went on for a few years, now I have scars that I constantly hide and feel sorry I have done this to myself. It took a long while but managed to stop cutting. I sought therapy for this and it worked, thank god. All the while I did this other self harm to myself I consistantly pulled hair. To the point where I had bare skin where my eyelashes and eyebrows used to be. I have graduated to the next level of pulling not only those but pulling the hair on my head, at one point I almost pulled all the hair off the top of my head, so much so that my entire hand covered the bare area. Every day I tell myself not to hair pull and every day I continue to do it, most times when I am stressed or just even relaxing when I lay in bed or I'm alone. My family looks at me in a weird way and ask me to just simply stop. I wish it were so easy. This disease is so tiresome for me to look in the mirror and see this person that I constantly say is not me but this poor woman that looks so sorry, so sad, so tormented. I want to stop, but I don't have the resources to go out and seek therapy for $75 or more an hour. My quest continues and it's very frustrating. I cry more and more now a days, I hate feeling hopeless.