• Quote of the Day
    "For most people, transformation is slow. It happens without you realizing it."
    Marsha Linehan, posted by Daniel

Heather

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THIS POST MAY TRIGGER PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE NOT OK.

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I think I am ill, when I self injure I enjoy the blood.

What is wrong with me this isn't normal???

Heather...
 

Eunoia

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thanks for putting in the trigger, Heather!

I don't think there's anything wrong w/ "you" as much as there's something wrong w/ the coping behaviour. It sounds weird to enjoy seeing blood, but I guess it's the same kind of thing when someone enjoys pain in general, when someone craves the feeling of feeling empty, etc.... I think by seeing blood coming from you, it shows that yes, you are human, you are in pain, and at the very least you made yourself be in pain, you took that control back, b/c everyone else put you through so much pain, so this is you doing it to yourself (you said that in a post to Ash too...that made a lot of sense). In a weird way it validates the pain you're going through, right? Si releases neurotransmitters in the brain, it's trying to dampen the pain, so you feel good afterwards at first b/c of that. It's like when someone unintentionally falls and hurts their leg, those chemicals will kick in to soften the pain. This feedback reinforces the behaviour (si) and so you end up enjoying blood for varius reasons....

the sticky (link) is full of info...might be useful
 

Heather

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Thanks for the replies David and Eunoia,

That emotonal release feels so good but makes me feel so guilty and makes me feel as though I am loosing the plot!!!

Yes the coping behaviour is wrong I know that but still find it hard to not to do it even though I know I shouldn't!

That makes sense Eunoia it really does, and what I said to Ash makes sense to me to!

I did read the sticky thanks Heather :)
 

Eunoia

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yeah, I know it's difficult Heather. And always easier said than done, I know! But I guess the more you find out about si and what makes you do it and your feelings about it the more you become aware of what purpose it serves and its triggers. That in itself can help you discuss things w/ your therapist and in trying to work on things by yourself. It takes time. And a lot of courage I think, to step away from any behaviour like that. Knowing that a behaviour is "wrong" isn't enough to get you or anyone else to stop a destructive coping mechanim/behaviour but I guess again, it's the realization that counts for something as well. Like to everyone else it sounds so wrong, but to you or me or someone else it sounds so "right"- anything maintained over a period of time and especially if it serves a purpose and is reinforced becomes "right" or "normal" in the wrong way.

What if you were to find something where you get the same emotional release from, or at least close to it, that would not make you feel guilty... something to try to find, maybe... I think it's different for everyone, but if you're willing to let go and see what's out there, maybe w/ some help and time you can find something...gotta hope, right? And if I correctly remember you have made improvements from time to time, right? so those show you that you are stronger than this, life just sometimes gets in the way of things and our emotions overcome any kind of rationale.
 

Heather

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I guess at least by knowing it is wrong it is a start though, not enough but a start!

Yeah you are right it is such an emotional outlet and it seems so right to me but freaks others out!

I want to find another release, thinking of trying the ice (I tried this a few years back due to advice from someone but didn't work, might try it again).

Also a friend of mine does it too so we have decided when we get the urge we will try and call each other to distract us from doing it no matter the time.

Heather...
 

Eunoia

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well I think it "freaks" others out b/c they don't understand...how could they, right??? not to say no one understands, just that often people are afraid of the unknown. it's like that w/ a lot of things, ie. how some people are racist b/c they don't know better.

doing the ice thing could work. give it a try. and leaning on friends for support is always a good thing, I've done that in those moments, and even if they have no idea what's up then at least the time you take to talk to them gives you enough time to clear your head or be distracted or just make yourself feel better about things by talking things through or just laughing about stupid things.... the only thing I would have to say is that it's good if you can talk to someone who's going through the same thing and understands, but for one try not to make that your only outlet, but you said you're trying the ice thing too so that's good... b/c I find as much as I want to help others if you're giving 100% of you to them and never getting anything back then you're losing the battle....makes sense, right??? good luck!!!
 

Heather

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I am still feeling yuk about this but not as bad as I looked up other stuff re: the blood thing and the first thing I read was it is common for people who have survived csa to self harm and they often enjoy the blood as it has a soothing feeling. Or something like that, of course it went on to say it isn't ok or good but it made me feel a little less yuk!

Yeah I know what you mean about her being the only outlet, but we have decided to do it for each other to help each other stop because we both want to if you know what I mean so hopefully we will be able to help each other in the desperate times.

Yes makes sense.

Thanks Heather...
 

Eunoia

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I didn't mean to discourage the fact that you found someone to help you try to stop si, I only meant to point out both sides of it. And b/c I know you give a lot of yourself to others and at the end, I worry, what's left of you, you know? But speaking from personal experience, I have done the same thing (over the internet though) and we'd post about each day and kind of do a count down, like we'd set ourselves a goal, say 2 weeks (whatever seemed plausible at the time) and then tried to support each other or anyone else willing to "join" for that amount of time. Usually, it worked pretty well, I mean at least we were actively trying to stop or cope but be realistic (hence instead of saying "we'll stop forever from now on" we'd set goals...). But yeah, it can work. Good lucK and let us know how you're doing...
 

Heather

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Thanks, and I know you weren't discouraging don't worry :)

Thanks for the advice.

Heather...
 

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