Shoot!

[Thelostchild]

I told myself that I was never going hurt myself again. And once again I did it. I guess that means no shorts for me? Why can't I stop from doing this. why is this an addiction, why is it the best way from me to get release, why do I feel like this is the only way of keeping my self in control. I know I do it because people hurt me and I figure they can't hurt me as bad as I can. This really makes me think that I'm not ready to have kids. "One day" ha ha :? If I can't stop this then there's no way I'm going to have kids. I don't want to be a mood swinging pregnant women who is being self destructive. Could you imagine. I imagine all the time and it scares the heck out of me.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Re: SHOOT

I told myself that I was never going hurt myself again. And once again I did it. I guess that means no shorts for me? Why can't I stop from doing this. why is this an addiction, why is it the best way from me to get release, why do I feel like this is the only way of keeping my self in control.

I've asked myself many of these same questions. I'm not sure of the answers. I know we all mess up now and again. The best thing I can do is just say, "Hey, I did it again and it isn't the end of the world" and try to commit to treating myself a little better in the future.

I can really relate to what you said here:

I know I do it because people hurt me and I figure they can't hurt me as bad as I can.

I think what needs to happen somehow, through therapy and with medication is that needs to be turned around to something like this, "People don't treat me well, so I'm going to treat myself very well and be good to myself and treat myself better than anyone else does." I know it sounds hard to do, but I'm hoping it can be the way it is for me someday.

This really makes me think that I'm not ready to have kids. "One day" ha ha :? If I can't stop this then there's no way I'm going to have kids. I don't want to be a mood swinging pregnant women who is being self destructive. Could you imagine. I imagine all the time and it scares the heck out of me.

As far as having children, yes, it is hard to struggle with these things and have a child. I'm more motivated to get well though. Healing is an ongoing process. I guess what I'm saying is it isn't impossible if that's something that you really want to do.

Try to take care of yourself. You deserve to be treated well. I hope some of this makes sense.

 

[JA]

Re: SHOOT

This really makes me think that I'm not ready to have kids. "One day" ha ha :? If I can't stop this then there's no way I'm going to have kids. I don't want to be a mood swinging pregnant women who is being self destructive. Could you imagine. I imagine all the time and it scares the heck out of me.

I can totally relate to that. I always wonder if I'll ever feel ready, well enough to have kids someday. I've always thought I was quite a moody person, and I worry about that during pregnancy/motherhood...I guess maybe when you actually have kids, you find some strenght/courage you didn't know you had? Kinda hoping so, anyway.

 

[Meg]

Re: SHOOT

I told myself that I was never going hurt myself again. And once again I did it. I guess that means no shorts for me? Why can't I stop from doing this. why is this an addiction, why is it the best way from me to get release, why do I feel like this is the only way of keeping my self in control. I know I do it because people hurt me and I figure they can't hurt me as bad as I can. This really makes me think that I'm not ready to have kids. "One day" ha ha :? If I can't stop this then there's no way I'm going to have kids. I don't want to be a mood swinging pregnant women who is being self destructive. Could you imagine. I imagine all the time and it scares the heck out of me.

When I was reading this I was thinking that you've set yourself a pretty difficult task, TLC. It's all very well to say that you're never going to hurt yourself again, but if you don't set yourself a goal that is realistic you're setting yourself up for 'failure' when in reality you may have made a lot of progress. I don't mean that you'll never stop self harming, or that you shouldn't try to avoid self harming if you can, I mean that stopping it is a process. It can take a while, so trying to go 'cold turkey' may not be the most helpful approach. I'm an ex-cutter, but when I say that I mean I don't cut like I used to. I think I have cut twice this year, the last time being about five months ago. I felt lousy afterwards, but I found it helpful to put things in perspective. Twice in 8 months is actually a huge achievement considering how bad it used to be. I am doing myself injustice if I focus purely on the two times I 'gave in' instead of on the dozens of times when I could have but didn't. The same goes for you!

Maybe you can learn something from this experience that will make it easier for you to avoid hurting yourself next time you feel that way. You could ask yourself what triggered it off, and try to identify the thoughts and feelings that led to the decision to self injure. This way, you can prepare yourself for next time - have an action plan ready for what else you could do instead of self injuring when you notice these feelings starting. If you have what you need at hand and a plan established (write it down if you need to!) it's been my experience that it's much easier to avoid self injury. You can grow and learn from 'slip ups'!

All the best,

Meg

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

Re: SHOOT

I've asked myself many of these same questions. I'm not sure of the answers. I know we all mess up now and again. The best thing I can do is just say, "Hey, I did it again and it isn't the end of the world" and try to commit to treating myself a little better in the future.

I really aggree with you here Janet. TLC, I wish I could give you a hug. The feeling I carry about SI (Probably totally unfounded - but my point of view anyway) is that the worse I felt about what I was doing to myself, the more I seemed to do it. I know this is kind of a weird thing to say, because we don't sit there in rapture about hurting ourselves. But I think its the guilt. Once I changed my perspective, and didn't give myself such a hard time about it, it happened less.

 

[Halo]

Re: SHOOT

Once I changed my perspective, and didn't give myself such a hard time about it, it happened less.

I jut wanted to say Phoenix that I really liked what you said here and I think that it was great that you changed your prospective on it.

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

Re: SHOOT

Thanks Nancy

It still happens from time to time.

but nowadays the pressure that I used to heap on myself, when I was in a bad state, to do it isn't as strong. I have said before on these forums; I have been lucky in the fact that I have had a whole bunch of people that have given me alot of support and encouragement. And they have been able to do so, without trying to make me feel sorry I did it. I think this may be a rarer situation, because it is hard to see someone you love hurt themselves without getting scared and angry. Me, being able to alter my perception has come from the help of these people, I'm sure.

 

[Halo]

Phoenix I would count yourself lucky that you have so much support from people that can help you and understand you.

I have to say that I am really jealous :red:

 

[poohbear]

JA's right. I'm not an SI'r, but I do have kids, and I DID stop some dangerous behavior while pregnant, and mostly have kept it under control since being a mom (Bulemia), although I sometimes slide. So, try not to worry about what might happen, or beat your self up as a Mom before it happens. It's hard enough to be a parent without giving ourselves guilt! You can be a Mom-- I can see it in your postings. They're insightful, hopeful, and thoughtful. All those ingredients, plus lots of love will be the perfect MOM recipe. PB

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

Phoenix I would count yourself lucky that you have so much support from people that can help you and understand you.

I have to say that I am really jealous :red:

Hi Nancy

I am very lucky. Its because of the people I seek out. I can be kind of harsh too. My mother was not a person that would try to understand. When I was a teen (a very angst-ridden teen) she would see what I was doing as a punishment for her, and get angry at me because of it. As a result, she still lives in Aus and I live in Canada. Now that I am older, I do try to explain myself a little more. When my dad found out about some of how my brain works, he found it really difficult to listen, and I didn't push him, but told him that I needed him to know how the trains of thought progressed in my head. I guess as I'm getting older, I'm realizing the types of people that I can and shouldn't be around with. My mother is definatly one of the ones that I shouldn't. Don't get me wrong, I love her very much, but our relationship is damaging to me and my sanity, so I avoid her. I keep our conversations brief and avoid topics that are likely to go off in a certain direction. The friends I keep around me are good stock. I'm the type that has a few close friends and not many aquaintences? I trust my friends totally, and I offer them the same loyalty as they give me. This goes for my relationships too. I am still friends with my ex's, and in my boyfriends (current) eyes, I am completely 'normal'. I just have bad days. And when I wig out, and start punishing myself, he'll do things like just wait outside the door until I open it.
hehehe .... now I'm getting emotional, and that hasn't happened in a while. You're right, I am lucky.

 

[Halo]

Phoenix,

It was so nice of you to share what you just did because it gives me hope that there are people in this world that will understand me and accept me (besides all of you on this forum). I know that my parents are trying to understand and I appreciate that. Will they ever understand to the point that I am hoping.....probably not and I am okay with that. At least they still don't have their heads stuck in the sand completely.

Now if I could just find the few good friends like you describe than it would be great

Thanks again for sharing with me.

 

[Kayty]

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way right now. I know what you mean about telling yourself you wont do it and then doing it again. I guess we just have to take it one day at a time. instead of saying "I havent cut in a week" say "I havent cut today". If you take it one day at a time then you dont feel so guilty about cutting again (which will lead to more cutting as punishment). I hope you understand what I am trying to say. I'm kind of tired so if it does'nt make sence just let me know and I'll try to explain it better. I hope you feel better and if you ever need to talk feel free to send me a messege.

Take care,
Kayty

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

It does make sense Kayty - and it is very good advice. Are you a new psychlinks poster? If so, and I missed your introduction, welcome to the forum, and thanks for posting.!

 

[Kayty]

Yes I am new. Thank you for the welcome, everybody is so kind here.

Kayty

 

[ddHopes]

Kayty, kiddo, as much as I want to make your pain go away I can't. I know you are addicted to this coping strategy and it breaks my heart that my lil one is hurting inside and out.
I wish for to wake up and it all be gone.

All I can say is
I love you

dd, ddee, Ddee, Oh dangnabbit call me Wilbur* old mans voice *

 

[Kayty]

Aww thanx Ddee, I love you too.

Kayty