Should I be jealous?

[g-scared]

I struggle with self-esteem issues, I know this. A friend recently told me that my jealousy towards my boyfriend maybe indicative of a much larger underlying problem that I should perhaps look into, but I'm not sure if I agree. I think my concerns are legitimate.

I am jealous because I found out that my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend is living in his apartment in Moscow. She was supposed to move out in March and April, but she is still there, and I have warned him that if he returns there and lives with her, that I will freak out. I think it's fair for me to demand that he not live with other women.

I am jealous because before meeting with my boyfriend he asked me if I would be willing to have a three-way relationship with this ex-girlfriend. I absolutely refused and warned him that if he asks me anything like this again then I will end the relationship. I just found out from a friend of his that the reason they broke up was because she is a lesbian and was not physically attracted to him, or men in general. Maybe this request was an attempt for him to reconcile things with her? I have no idea....

I am jealous because we are on an island with a lot of women and he looks at them and comments on them from time to time. This is my weakest complaint. He's a man, I don't mind if he looks at other women, all guys do. As long as he doesn't act on it. I don't mind so much.

I am jealous because my boyfriend has an unshakable need to help damsels in distress. This is probably again a cultural difference. He is often sending money or allowing other women to live in his apartment and it bothers me that he gives such large gifts to others. It's good that he is a generous person though, I don't think I want to change this.

I am jealous because my vacation with him is ending and there is the possibility that I may return with him to Moscow. However, if this ex is still there, because she is apparently in a bad situation with her life and he needs to save her. I'm afraid of all three of us having to live together in his small apartment, with her puppy making a mess and his smoking habit. I think I will go crazy.

I am jealous because we share computers and he swears to me that he doesn't correspond with her, yet I saw an open email in his account directed to someone that might be her... After an almost sleepless night and some depression I have come up with two resolutions that were able to calm me down and let me sleep.

One, was that I would join this forum and try to seek unbiased, non-judgmental opinions on my situation. Resolution two, I will spend today applying for jobs, so that I don't find myself in a powerless position, and especially not a powerless position in Moscow, where I might feel that my choices are limited.

See it's complicated because if I ask him to kick his ex-girlfriend out of his apartment, then he calls it emotional blackmail. It puts his ex in an even less powerful position and makes me look like a bad / insecure / selfish person. It's a guilt trip. If I go along with the situation then I run the risk of going completely crazy, which will surely send me packing and ruin our relationship. He may then feel guilty, but then it would be too late.

I don't want to give an ultimatum or anything like that. It's not my personality to try to control someone, but I really don't want to live with this other girl.

Please help. Thanks..

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: should i be jealous?

He is being unfair to think that your relationship would work out if his ex is still there. You should not go anywhere with this person not until he has let go of the her
You need to say put ok and look after YOU The red flags that are coming up are for a reason

 

[g-scared]

Re: should i be jealous?

Yes, it's possible that his lack of closure with this other woman is ruining our relationship.
It's not fair that I spend so much energy and thought on this topic.

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: should i be jealous?

YOu need to not spend so much energy and time on him ok You move on with your life and find someone that is true to you and you alone let him go back on his own He will soon find out what is missing in his life and maybe wake up to see his actions are the wrong ones

 

[Katieann]

Dear Forgetmenot...

Wow... you have expressed your scenario/concern so clearly. It really rang a bell with me as I did have a short and extremely unsettling relationship with a guy who seems to have somewhat the same pattern as your Dastardly Dude. He too suggested that we have a three-way with another. First of all jokingly, but as the story carried on, It became clear that this is a primary behaviour pattern with him. He lived with a couple of different women where multiple partners together was the norm for them. It simply makes it easier if one of them is a lesbian - not hard to convince her to sleep with you! (Whatever other people want to do is their business - but your values are your own, and not for another to determine.) If you continue in a scenario where you don't have the same values as the other person(s) you could become seriously mentally and also physically ill.

You are worth so much more than that... let him carry on - because I can assure you that he will not be changing for you. This whole "helping damsels in distress" can be more clearly seen as trolling for new "food"... He's not helping them - he's helping himself. My former fling flirted with every cashier and shop girl in the city. One time when we went to a club, he went out for a smoke and came back with three girls, who were on a tour. JackPot.

Down the road, when you have met a new and fabulous guy... you'll look back on this moment and say to yourself, "Look how far you've come. Good going girl!"

A little jealousy is normal... a lot is indicative that you are insecure for a real reason. Your security is being seriously threatened. Throw him back in the castle moat - with the rest of the alligators!

Carry on... Katieann XX00

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

I read a lot of red-flags... Not for you, for him.

Most of what you say, in my humble opinion, does not sound like jealousy.

Why do you think it is jealousy to want these things?

I think some of what you are describing as jealousy (is this the word HE says? or is this the word you choose?) is actually some very reasonable boundaries.

This is how you define a relationship.

His definition of what a relationship seems completely different and lacking boundaries. Is it possible that if he is giving money away and providing living arrangements with people, these are excuses to have ties to them?

You say

This is probably again a cultural difference. He is often sending money or allowing other women to live in his apartment and it bothers me that he gives such large gifts to others.

Is it a cultural difference, or is there a good reason to worry? Can someone give large gifts to a woman in order to coerce them, or make them feel guilty for not doing something he wants, for making them feel obligated? I also find it interesting that he "finds" these women... Where do they come from? How is it that he finds out they need rescuing? Is he actively looking for these opportunities? You mentioned "emotional blackmail." Is this not what he is possibly doing with them? These are the first thoughts that came to my mind, not that you might be jealous of this. What you might call jealously, I would call all the sirens going off in the back of my mind as to pointing to possibly a very manipulative man who preys on needy women.

And then I would ask myself, what does that make me? I am allowing myself to stay with someone who likes to manipulate people. Am I needy? Does he see something in me that perhaps I am not aware of? Why do I stay with him if he is like this and does not want to change? Why am I willing to bend and change and do things for him, and he does not wish to change? Why do I feel out of balance and never in control of this relationship? Is he controlling everything? Why do I let him? How can I get control back? Why did I let him get away with all these things? See, these are possibly some things that you need to ask yourself, but instead you are focusing on why you feel jealous. Why do you think there is something wrong with YOU? You sound perfectly reasonable to me.

Do the things he does make these needy people (who happen to be women) depend on him? I think you are wise to look for jobs.

If you are feeling insecure, from what you described, I feel you have very good reasons. What if a friend of yours wrote the same thing that you wrote in the forum. What would you tell her?

 

[Darkside]

I think this sort of jealousy is well-founded, but it it also means this relationship is not healthy.

In my opinion jealousy has no place in a healthy relationship. If you find yourself jealous without cause it is your problem. If the relationship is a bad one then the jealousy is a warning to get out.

 

[g-scared]

Thank you everyone for the comments. I will have to think this through. I was rather shocked at the tone of this post, seeing it now after a few days. I am genuinely surprised at the constructive comments for such a negative post also. Thank you. If I had been so frank with anyone else, I am sure that the reaction would not be so positive. For now, things are going well. He doesn't like to see me stressed. We defined some very clear limits, mainly, no cheating. Before, when he had this proposal for a three-way, we were in a long-distance relationship, had been separated for 8 months. Now we are together in a tropical island, and he's making a lot of effort, which I appreciate. Still planning to get a job, either way I need the money

 

[g-scared]

It's been almost two months since I posted this thread.

A couple of things have changed. One, I got a job! Amazing position, lots of cash, right in line with my career, and I think it's going to be really fun and exciting.

Also, my boyfriend just left. He returned to Moscow, where she is still in his apartment. He recently wrote me sounding very disappointed that she messed up his apartment. I told him, "of course she did, dogs are messy and so are irresponsible ****** who don't give a ****." Probably not the best language to use, oops, too late to change that.

I don't know how to feel about this though. Of course, I am a little relieved, I knew they would fight and not get along if I just let them get together again, but at the same time, I think that if she had welcomed him with open arms, maybe even if she had made a pass at him, he would be a lot happier?

We had a great time during the last two months, don't get me wrong. Lot of fun, met some of really cool people, swimming, biking, going to parties. We have a very strong physical connection, so much that it's never been a concern, which makes me question why he still likes this girl, because supposedly they almost never had sex, because she wasn't attracted to him.

He was a perfect gentleman to me. He handed me some cash before he left, so I wouldn't be in trouble. He was very supportive during my job search, application, and interview process. He says that I am the kind of girl that he used to dream about, since he's been alone the majority of his life.

Part of me thinks that he is a little innocent about relationships because he has not had that many girlfriends in his life. He fell for this other girl before he met me, he admired her greatly (she does seem like a really cool chic), and it developed into a deep one-sided infatuation. I think she takes advantage of him more than he does her. He is the one feeling down and victimized and hurt, but it's kind of messed up that I am wondering how to console my boyfriend about his hurt feelings for another ex-girlfriend.

I am trying to decide how to react. There are a couple scenarios:
1. I could just end everything with him and leave him suffering, alone, hurt ego, knowing he screwed up with both girls
2. I could tell him how I feel and request some time apart to "figure things out"
3. I could just focus on myself and become the coolest lady that I possibly can. Working with this awesome job. I wouldn't confront him, but just subtly back away, wrap myself in a cloak of mystery for some days, communicate with him from time to time, but really keep him at a distance.

I don't think he's had a chance to miss me yet. I've been such a stellar girlfriend also, and he's been dealing so much with my feelings of insecurity that I think he has not realized that maybe he's the one that should be worried right now about losing me.

I think I'm leaning towards option three. The reason I don't want to shut him out completely because then he would feel worse, and I would feel worse, and it would be a lose/ lose situation.

No matter how hard we try we can never really control the other person, and to his credit, at least he's been honest, and he hasn't cheated. I feel like that's more than I can expect from most guys in this day and age...

I welcome any thoughts or advice. Thanks in advance.

 

[PrincessX]

Why would you want him back in your life? Do you share his values? Just curious, do not mean to be harsh.

 

[rdw]

Option 3 - without the cloak of mystery. Focus on yourself and the amazing changes and directions in your life - what fun!!!

 

[g-scared]

Yes, I really like him
I know I make it all sound quite negative here, but I am just mentioning the faults. I think he's quite human, generous, and I really like him.

 

[rdw]

Still saying move on - it sounds like both of you need to make some hard choices and better to do that on your own . What will be will be !

 

[g-scared]

Yes. What will be will be...
If it wants to be that way

I don't believe in controling people. I am looking out for myself.

He hasn't actually done anything wrong yet, no cheating. So, it's not soo bad right. It's kind of rare to actually meet someone so honest.

But yes, a little mystery and alone time, probably good.

Thanks

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Yes, you staying in this relationship and using your own manipulation (backing away and cloaking yourself in mystery)... Perhaps this is how you are used to operating, and you prefer to have this type of relationship with drama and tension.

As for me, I've had enough of this thread. It doesn't sound to me like you are ready to accept that it is not a healthy relationship. This is only my opinion. But I've been in unhealthy relationships before, so I know red-flags when I see them. Before your boyfriend was showing the red-flags and now you are showing some.

I predict this relationship will go on for some time, and that you will frequently visit back here and ask for advice, explaining all the unhealthy things going on, but will likely not follow our suggestions or advice. You want to talk to someone about your problems but not do anything about them. I have done this sort of thing myself because I was not ready to accept that the relationship was not working out in a healthy manner. I, too, was addicted to drama as that is the sort of thing going on in my life all the time. It took a long time to admit that I was willing to stay in an abusive relationship because I wanted to "help" or "change" or prove that I loved my significant other "no matter what." But that is not healthy. I was denying my own needs, my own self, and just became lost.

I sincerely hope you do not become lost. ♥ Best wishes.

 

[g-scared]

I'm tired too... It's gone on for too long.