Should I Mend My Broken Friendship?

[rebecca8]

Hello again, I've been coming here a lot lately. I hope I'm not becoming too needy.

Well, anyway, I've been thinking that I might want to contact an old friend who I haven't spoken to in almost a year. I'm not sure what to say though. I'm pretty sure we ended our friendship, but still don't understand why. I think it was a combination of me being depressed, and her feeling that I betrayed her, and a jealousy toward me. I'm sure I've talked about this here before, but I'll tell the short version.

She had a guy friend who wanted to ask me out on a formal date. (he had been my friend for awhile before he asked her if he could ask me out) Yeah, for some reason he had to ask her permission. They had a brief sexual history that was years prior. I would never have felt comfortable dating him, and I don't know why he thought that it would've been appropriate.

Well, anyway, at first, our guy friend was mad because my friend said she didn't want him to ask me out, and she was also so apologetic to me when she finally told me about their conversations. Trying to keep this short......we patched things up (or so I thought) but I had felt that there was still some underlying resentment towards me from my friend. And, I never saw our guy friend after that..........like I wasn't allowed or something. Although, we were still talking through email. My friend was furious about that, so I stopped. For the year after that, my girl-friend and I rarely got together, and eventually I confronted her about that, all the while in the middle of a terrible heartbreak by some jerk. I needed her, and she ended our friendship after I finally spoke up. It really sucked for me because I just wanted to keep our group together. I wish he never said anything.

Now, I'm the one alone. It's really hard because I feel like I'm the bad person here. I thought my best friend would have chose me over some dumb guy. (we all found she was in love with him when this whole thing blew up, prior she had denied that she ever wanted to be with him....they were too different)

Well, this is already long, so I'll try to make my point. I've been dreaming about her almost everynight the past week. I've been dreaming that we make up, and are friends again. We were best friends since high school, and were more like sisters. I want to send her a letter or email, but I don't know what to say. Or, I don't even know if this friendship is truly over, and I should just move on. Anyone have any insight, or have gone through something similar, and what did you do? I actually really miss my friend soooooooo much, but I don't know if I can take getting hurt again.

 

[Daniel E.]

This isn't even two-cent advice, it's more like one-cent thoughts: It seems your concern is that, even if she is responsive to your attempts to restart the friendship that she ended, things may degrade as they did before. Well, I wouldn't be too concerned about that because brand new friendships can fade sooner than later, too. I'm not saying you should get back together, but I think you would be resilient if things didn't work out and may benefit from knowing that at least you tried rather than have a regret 5-10 years later?

 

[ladylore]

I'll add the other cent to the two cents.

You may want to ask yourself what you want from contacting your old friend. What are your expectations - if any?

Being clear with yourself that this is strictly for you so you can be emotionally prepared for any response she gives you be it negative, or better yet, positive.

What do you want to say to her when and if you contact her? Being prepared is a good idea.

 

[rebecca8]

Wow, look at what 2 cents can buy ya! Thanks guys. I was so in the dark about this, and even your pennies have shone a little light my way. You're right Daniel about regretting not trying. And ladylore, it would be pretty wise for me to be prepared. I have to figure out if I'm only trying to make things they way they were........which I know can't be done. Or if I'm brave enough to take a leap into unknown, uncertain circumstances. Thanks again for your advice.

 

[solitary man]

Hey Rebecca8, the advice given is pretty solid.

I know I have several friendships that I let go of during the height of my depression, and would love a chance just to see where they are in life and catch up.

The main thing I would love to do is apologize for the things I've said in the past, but it's probably highly unlikely it would ever happen.

Don't be surprised if you reconnect with your former friend and find that the person you once knew, is a completely different person, and your memories of a great friendship are just that...memories.

 

[rebecca8]

Well, I emailed her on Friday. I was feeling so lonely on my birthday expecting a few phone calls from old friends. They never came, so I broke down and sent her an email. I just said that we used to have that psychic connection, and I was wondering if everything's OK with her because I've been having a lot of dreams about her lately. She hasn't responded.

I decided that I have to stop thinking I can bring the past back. I used to be such a forward thinker. I know other people go through much worse experiences. I don't know why it's taking me so long to get over these feelings of betrayal and abandonement. Two people in particular have really scarred me. I've changed into a bitter, cynical person, and I have this newer friend who told me me last night that I'm always sad. He said that sooner or later no one is going to want to be around me. I tried to explain to him that I lost my very best friend who was kind of my social link, and that it's always been difficult for me to make new friends because I'm so shy. He doesn't understand. I thought that real friends stick with you through the good and the bad. I think I have 2 true friends right now, but one is actually my ex-boyfriend, and the other is old enough to be my father. I guess friends come in all shapes, and ages. Some people, like my mom, think it's weird though. Anyway, last night, I decided that my anger towards some of these people, and myself has got to stop because I'm the only one still getting hurt by it. Those people really don't care, and have moved on by now. It's hurts to think that, but I guess I have to accept it. I keep trying to remind myself that I will make a lot of great new friends in the fall when I go back to school.

Thanks for your replies.

 

[Halo]

I keep trying to remind myself that I will make a lot of great new friends in the fall when I go back to school.

I think that holding onto this thought is a really good idea. Being back in a school setting may really help with making new friends that have the same interests as you.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I thought that real friends stick with you through the good and the bad.

It's easy for someone to "stick with you" through the good. Sometimes, it's not until you hit "the bad" that you find out who your real friends are.

That said, what your friend said might have some foundation. It is difficult to be around someone who is depressed or angry - there's no doubt about it. For your own benefit, it's important that you try to find a way to deal with these issues in your life.

I'm not sure (sorry - kinda typing this reply on the fly today) whether you are depressed, mind you, or just saddened by the issue with your friend. But regardless, whether you find a way to deal with your sense of betrayal and abandonment on your own or with the help of a counsellor or therapist, it will benefit you so that anything you might be doing to discourage people won't continue to happen.