I hadn't SI'd since August 31st. My goal was to make it to Christmas. I had a *bad* night last night, and broke. I was too afraid to tell my T this morning in our session. We took my dog for a walk after and I was going to tell him then, but that didn't seem like an appropriate time. So I emailed him this afternoon and told him, and apologized for not telling him in our session. I have a feeling he'll be so disappointed in me. He's always been so proud of me when I haven't slipped. I guess I will start over and try to make it to Easter or something. The funny thing is, I just didn't care. I didn't care how hard I've worked for the past three and a half months. I was willing to throw it all out the door. I don't really regret it today, but I guess for my own benefit I have to keep trying.
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Being proud of you when you don't SI doesn't mean he'll be disappointed in you when you have a slip.
I know you're right - I'm just always afraid of disappointing him, that's all. And he's always so proud of me when I tell him how tempted I was to SI, and I didn't. So I can't help but think that the opposite of proud is disappoint and I did the opposite of what he wanted. I've very much an "all or nothing" person - I'm reminded of it at least twice a week and maybe this is one of those times I'm looking at it as all or nothing...
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
I think so...
This is exactly what I was going to say... that we tend to have the "all or nothing" approach, but really hun, I would assume that before you set yourself this goal, you si'd more than once in 3+ months, right? my point is, you did an amazing job coming this far w/out si, and this one slip up does not mean that you don't have a reason to be proud of yourself. No matter what you or anyone else is trying to stop, taking a cold turkey approach is a great idea, but in some instances maybe a bit unrealistic... maybe it's needed, but nevertheless see it as a learning experience. What made you feel that you had to si? Is there anything that would have made you not si? You get my point.
You are actively working towards being si free, so that in itself should be a reason to be proud of yourself... today is a chance to prove this to yourself, so is tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that etc... you have A TRILLION days to show that you can stop si. That's A TRILLION chances. compared to slipping up once. It's great that you want your therapist to be proud of you, that makes sense, but first of all, he wont' see this as a failure in you, he'll see it for what it is. a slip. it's okay. you can take this and learn from it. it happened. but you also have to be proud of yourself when you do stay si free, as difficult as this may be, b/c it's great to have others "validate" us but in the end, your own opinion is what counts the most.
You are actively working towards being si free, so that in itself should be a reason to be proud of yourself... today is a chance to prove this to yourself, so is tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that etc... you have A TRILLION days to show that you can stop si. That's A TRILLION chances. compared to slipping up once. It's great that you want your therapist to be proud of you, that makes sense, but first of all, he wont' see this as a failure in you, he'll see it for what it is. a slip. it's okay. you can take this and learn from it. it happened. but you also have to be proud of yourself when you do stay si free, as difficult as this may be, b/c it's great to have others "validate" us but in the end, your own opinion is what counts the most.
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