Shutting Down Shutting People Out

[Cavi]

Despite common sense, I ran this a.m...It did help my fever break so i guess not all was lost...I usually have things in my head that i want to discuss in therapy (today is session) and its like I am completely blank...I want to shut my T and everyone else out...

I am getting tired of walking this walk...I am tired of wanting to mean something to my family and I don't...I am tired of hurting K every time I SI...
I am tired of putting on a happy face when I am crumbling inside...I am tired of feeling abandoned and knowing in the end there won't be anyone there in 3D...I am tired of feeling feelings I've been feeling since I was a small child...

I am tired of going to bed at night and crying, I do self soothing but its not me I want!...I am tired of this child inside of me wanting something she never got...I am tired of being laughed at and ridiculed...I am tired of knowing that when K isn't here anymore, there isn't going to be anyone there...I am tired of knowing that if I died my family would say, Oh it was just her...

I am tired of not being heard!!...For the past couple of months when I go out on my run, I've been having this older man harrrass me...If I'm on one side of the side walk, he'll move to that side and if I go back to the other side he'll move there...today when I was out I went into the grass to get around him, he came into the grass and took his shoulder and bumped into me...There is a race difference and I have a feeling that is part of the problem...

K told me to take a different route but thats what I've been doing all my life, doing things to satisfy other people...I am tired of being kicked around by people...................rimh

 

[Cavi]

I'm not doing anyone any good here, so I'm leaving the board...Take care everyone and thanks for trying..........RIMH

 

[braveheart]

I hear you on self soothing, but its not soothing from you that you really want, but from someone else, to feel someone else's caring. I understand that totally...

 

[David Baxter PhD]

There's no need to leave the forum, RIMH. You're having a difficult time these days. That's what the forum is for.

When members are struggling, they tend to use the board for feedback and support. When they are feeling stronger, they are able to return that feedback and support to others. That's what a support community is all about.

 

[Halo]

RIMH,

I always feel that no matter what someone posts they are more often than not helping someone else who feels the exact same way but is afraid to post their feelings. By being as open and honest as you are with your posts which is great, you are probably helping more people than you know or even realize.

Hope to see you around

Take care
:hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

I hope you don't leave the board. I feel that way a lot. It is hard for me to have people be kind and care about me.

Wishing you the best whatever you choose.

 

[sister-ray]

RIMH,

I hope you dont leave, I will miss you, you say alot of important things in your posts as Nancy says you are proberly helping others more than you realise,:hug: :hug:

 

[foghlaim]

I hope you stay as well rimh... I know you are tired... so rest if you need to .. but i really hope you come back and continue to talk to us and get support as well.
and as Nancy has said

you are probably helping more people than you know or even realize.

((hugs))

 

[Into The Light]

i agree, rimh, there is no need for you to leave. you're going through a very difficult time and when there doesn't seem an end to it, it's hard to keep dealing with it. i hope you'll come back to us when you feel up for it. we'll be here for you.

 

[Cavi]

I'm back...I am falling into a deep depression and truth is in 3D I have no-one for support except my T...I left b/c I felt like I always post negative stuff and people get tired of my depression...I've had a cold so I haven't been able to take the herbs my T told me to take, so thats not helping...I saw my T on Monday and she said to me, "I need to know you'll be ok" and I said "I'll be ok" and she said "I believe you"...Knowing that she believes in me and is trusting me with my word has kept me from Si'ing in any form...I made the mistake last night of saying to K that I wasn't at a place where I wouldn't SI for myself, but I wouldn't for my T...K said what about not doing it for me...I did my best to ignore that one, but than I said, I wouldn't even do it for mom if she was alive...Anyways...I went to the ER Monday night and sat there from 6 p.m. till midnight and still wasn't seen by a doctor...I got fed up and left...I am doing my best to take care of my arm and I did call today and made an appt. with my new GP and I see her March 8th...I know its awhile away but admitting to a stranger of what I did, isnt easy!...
if i could just get the swelling to go down...

I haven't had the K's car since this happened, I am afraid that if I have it, I'll get myself into trouble b/c of how depressed I am...I just feel such a great loss and sadness.....

BTW thanks for what ya'll said...I just don't want to be the forum pain in the butt..............RIMH

 

[Cavi]

Ok I need help with something...Since I posted the above message K came home from work and I told her about making an appt. with my General Physician and that there was a chance with this being a new doctor that I may end up in the crisis unit...Her response was..."Do you really think after 2 weeks they will Baker Act you, you know Devin comes home tomorrow and I can't take care of him and work too, I hate to see you get put in there...

I have a habit of reading between the lines with K and after 24 years I'm usually right...What this translates into is...I don't want you to go to your GP b/c I don't want to have to take care of Devin...She has come right out and said something like this before so I'm not just assuming...

So now my head is spinning...Do I keep the appt. or do I cancel?...am I being selfish by assuming that she would take care of Devin for me for a few days?...I have always been there for her when she needed me to be but I always get reminded of my respondsibilities...We fought Monday about me going to the ER but she backed down b/c Devin wasn't coming till Friday and Tanner is an adult..It use to be they only kept you for 3 days, but so much has changed now...

My take would of been this...If K had needed to be gone for a few days I would of been more than happy to take care of things for her...so is my thinking distorted on this???.....RIMH

 

[Into The Light]

rimh, your health is what is important here right now. you need to be looked at. k is an adult and this puppy is her responsibility. let's not forget she was the one who decided to get this new puppy. it is not right for her to expect you to be home to take care of it so she can work. she needs to find alternate arrangements for the puppy should you not be home. she can take a few days off work or find a dog sitter, or even delay having the puppy come home should you not be able to return home. don't cancel your appointment with the doctor. take care of yourself first, and foremost.

 

[Cavi]

Your right LB but I did agree to taking care of the pup, training it etc. while K was at work...I'm going to keep my appt. I need to get established with this new doc so she knows my background with SI...I just hope she is understanding (Or at least tries to be) of the SI...My T wants me to have my arm looked at and I think it needs to be too...RIMH

 

[ThatLady]

Your thinking is not distored at all, RIMH. K's thinking is selfish. Then again, I think you know that. :hug:

 

[Cavi]

TL...Yeah I do but I always second guess myself...RIMH

 

[ThatLady]

I think many people tend to second guess themselves, even when they know they're right. I think that's especially true when you don't want to know the thing you know.

 

[foghlaim]

Delighted to hear you are going to keep the apt, Rimh... well done for sticking to your guns.

I hope you get on well with your new doc.
Good luck okay..

 

[Into The Light]

let us know how the appointment with your doctor turns out. i hope it goes well. :hug:

 

[Halo]

Glad to hear you are keeping your appt. and do let us know how it goes

Take care
:hug:

 

[Cavi]

Thanks!!...rimh