[Trigger] SI Injury

[Into The Light]

that is great news sue. i am so glad you got the appointment and that you feel much better right now because of it.

take all of this one step at a time. you will get there. :goodjob:

 

[suewatters1]

Thanks ITL Yes it is really good that I called one DR on Thursday who I found out was away for almost 3 weeks but he left a name and #of another DR who would take his patients in case of an a emergency. So I called this other DR on Thursday and I was away when he returned my call. Also since he was a bit confused on the message I left him and wondered if I can wait 2 weeks. So I left him another one on late Thursday afternoon saying I could possibly wait 2 weeks and just call the hotline or the crisis team. So by Friday supper time I thought well he didn't call me back that is it. But to get a call from him at 6:45 PM wasn't something I was expecting.
So from Thursday when I first contacted him to this Monday seeing him is unbelievable. A Miracle. Especially considering he is a Psychiatrist.

I am just not sure how much to tell him without worrying him of my safety. I will tell him I recently cut myself but how do I tell him of my dark thoughts even though I don't want to die I felt my co-workers were trying to push me over the edge and I don't know what I would have done to myself.

I don't want the DR to lock me up for 72 hours. He knows I am looking for help that should say something about me. I am just worried that I will say something to alarm him and to have that cause me more problems.
If he ask me do I have a suicide plan thought out what do I say? That I know what I would do but I don't see myself doing it? I am trying to get stuff typed out on paper so I know what I want to talk about on this one and possibly only visit.

I am happy about Monday but also a bit worried.

Sue

 

[Into The Light]

sue, i understand you are worried about hospitalization but should the psychiatrist feel you need this it might be worth keeping an open mind about it.

my doctor sent me to the hospital when i was in the middle of a suicidal crisis and when i was there they asked me what i wanted to do. i asked to stay there and they admitted me. i think if i had said no to that that they would have let me go home.

i went, as scary as it was, because i desperately needed to keep safe. i didn't feel safe if i went home. it is absolutely not a pleasant experience but i would make the same choice if i had to do it over. this was about staying safe and alive. at least you get a chance to speak with some of the mental health professionals in there for that time, and that is only a good thing. and it is only for a day or two.

the other thing is they only kept me overnight, they didn't make me stay longer than that. i think their policy is to try and free up those beds as soon as possible.

i understand this is scary but the best way to get help is to be honest about your feelings. tell him about your worries about being sent to the hospital, but that you have been struggling, and that you just need support outside of the hospital, and take it from there.

i hope this helps.

 

[suewatters1]

Thanks ITL it does help

I am not thinking of suicide but when I get frustrated I think about cutting myself an SI injury not meant to kill me. I feel safe enough at home to know I won't try suicide. Also my friend being less shy with me and more open it feels nice. He is becoming a true friend so I don't feel so alone at times
I feel as long as I am not working I am hoping I won't try suicide even though it crosses my mind. I just need the counseling to deal with these thoughts.

I am worried that if he ask me do I have a suicide plan I won't know how to answer that. I know how I would do it if I felt that way and I do have the means to do it but I don't want to do it. I don't want to die right now I feel there is a great future for me with my friend.
But saying that if the stress gets unbearable due to some work situation I don't know how I would handle it that is why I want to see a psychiatrist.

Thanks Again

Sue

 

[Into The Light]

just tell him what you just told us here. you've thought of how you could do it, but you don't believe you would actually take those steps and that you just need help in dealing with those thoughts. that you don't want for things to get so bad that you might actually get to that headspace. i think he will be very helpful.

 

[suewatters1]

Well tomorrow is my first visit with a new Psychiatrist. I told my friend that maybe after I tell him stuff he might want me to go in for 3 days to get evaluated. He told me it might be good for me to have other people help me.
If that happens he will pick up my newspaper and mail.

Last Wednesday before calling a DR's office I wrote stuff in a notebook so I can be prepared if somebody answered the phone. I am a very honest person so if I tell this DR what I wrote in it that day he might want me to spend 3 days in the hospital unless he realize I am not a threat to myself.

I wrote about the amount of B.S I endured in 25 years and that the people from work had me on the edge and I didn't know what could trigger me to commit suicide. I know I didn't need much more B.S or problems to get me to seriously commit suicide as I have the means to do it.

I didn't realized the words I had written down were written that way. I didn't realize how bad I felt a few days ago.

Will update you tomorrow afternoon or night

Sue

 

[Halo]

Good luck tomorrow Sue and whatever the doctor suggests I am sure that it will be in your best interest.

Looking forward to an update when you are up to it.

Take care

 

[suewatters1]

Hi everyone I wanted to give you an update of my day. It was bad and good.
The bad is I went to the casino before my DR's appointment and after my DR's appointment.
The good news is the DR seems very nice. He is a Psychiatrist/Psychoanalyst.
The first visit was more an introduction meeting to know what my problems are. The good news is I see him again on March 24th in the morning.
The other good news is that I banned myself from the O.L.G Casinos.

So I see today as a start of my new life.

Sue

 

[Halo]

Glad to hear that you liked the doctor and that you have another appointment set up....good job :2thumbs:

Thanks for the update

 

[suewatters1]

Why is it that I was having a good day/evening then something makes me so mad that I want to either drink alcohol with my meds or cut myself. It's like I was on a high then all of a sudden I am so low.

I was looking at my pay stub for the month of Feb. because an agency I deal with needs my hours. I know work owes me hours for a reason I rather not disclose right now in open forum which will be handled by a third party they will straighten that out but now I realize there is a few more hours (3) on another week that is owed to me. But why would something like that make me want to do something stupid like I mentioned above. I know the reason behind the previous missing hours and I think these 3 hours are part of it but I did not realize it until tonight but that is making me not think straight.

I am so mad at my employer right now

Sorry needed to vent my frustration

Sue

 

[Halo]

Sue,

It is good to vent your frustrations here and that is exactly what you need to do instead of cut or take pills. I know the feeling of just wanting to escape the feelings but posting here is so much better for you but it is not always easy though.

Keep posting and take care

 

[suewatters1]

Thanks Halo. The pills is only 2 that I take at bedtime but not with alcohol. The last time I tried that I felt it 2 hours later. I called my new DR and left him a message of why can feel so good one minute and really down the next. I told him about the hours I was missing off my check and about my dark thoughts.

Sue

 

[Halo]

Sue,

I don't think that mixing any pills with alcohol, even 2 is a good idea. Right now you need to try and do anything you can to comfort yourself that is safe and non-harming.

I know that it is hard but you need to hang on and keep posting here or call a friend.

Take care

 

[suewatters1]

Thanks Halo.
My friend is busy with homework as he just started college today. Also the drink is better then cutting to me right now and it tastes good. I can't do that every night because there is only so much I can take of that drink before it because yucky.

So sorry the drink one this round but it should help me sleep better hopefully.

Sue

 

[Halo]

Sue,

Again I can understand the need to try and escape the feelings and wanting to take something to make them go away. Alcohol mixed with pills is a definitely not a good idea and I hope that you will reconsider and do something else instead to comfort yourself.

Take care

 

[suewatters1]

I understand Halo

But it's to late I already drank all of my mix drink with my pills.

Don't worry I will be fine. I know one drink is one to many but one is all I usually take anyway.

Sue

 

[Halo]

I really hope that one is all you have. Are you planning on going to bed soon? I know that you have had a really full day and think that you would be exhausted now.

 

[suewatters1]

Yes Halo one is all I am having I can't take 2 because of the taste. I wasn't tired but I am becoming tired and right now watching TV in my bedroom.

Thanks for Caring

Sue