• Quote of the Day
    "Healing might not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you,
    all of the expectations, all of the beliefs, and changing into who you are."
    Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D. , posted by Daniel

rebecca8

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Sometimes, especially the last week or so, when I'm at work or something, it feels like my body is on auto-pilot. It feels so weird. I'll even be talking to someone, and then I'll kinda "wake up" and still be talking. It's like I'm in a dream. I have no idea how my body knows what to do, and my mind knows what to say. I'm in my own little world, and my body is just doing what it has to do to make it through the day. What the heck is that all about? I wonder if has something to do with depression. I'm waiting to get my insurance cards so I can find a therapist. I hope they are not too expensive. I was reading a symptom guide for depression. I have it all. Uncontrollable crying.......especially before bed, feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness. It really does seem like things will never get better. I used to dream (over 7 years ago!) of what my adult life would be like. I thought I would have lots of friends, a wonderful boyfriend, and a career I was passionate about. Now I have 1 long time friend, been used by 2 guys last year, and work part time at a dead end job. I've started wondering what the point is to try and make my life better. I wish I could just leave this world, but I have to stay because I don't want to ruin anyone else's life. Like my mom, and my brother, and some older people I've befriended who I know genuinely care about me. Also, this might seem weird, but I couldn't leave my cats behind either. Somedays, they are the only ones who will bring me joy. I thought I wanted to work with/for animals as a career, but often I become discouraged because of some dumb little thing. I know that's probably because I'm not strong now. I can't pinpoint only one thing that has weakened my spirit. I've also become very jaded and bitter. It's hard for me to see couples, and groups of friends having fun. I think about my old best friend, and how she must be living it up without me. We ended our friendship because of our guy friend she wanted all to herself. She felt I betrayed her by writing him through email. We talked that over, and everything seemed to be fine for a few months, but then she was always too busy for me. I told her how I felt about that, and she dumped me claiming she was a good and loyal friend for 16 years, and her actions proved that. I told her she was right, that her actions really are proving what kind of a friend she is......it was either her way or the highway (she didn't want to discuss why we weren't hanging out anymore....she said I was beating a dead horse which was funny because it was the first time I brought it up) Hmm, obviously I'm not over that yet. I was also having a hard time getting over being used. I worked with the guy, so I saw him alot. He kept telling me he liked me, but didn't want a relationship. I find it so difficult to move past how he couldn't have said that BEFORE we slept together. Get this, he lured me out of his apt. with ice cream....."let's get ice cream.." He understood I'm usually (used to be) childlike/playful. While on the street with every shop closed, not 10 minutes after, he starts explaining for the 1st time (we had been on a few dates before AND talked a lot at work) how he does not want to be in a relationship. It was like I was out of my body looking down on myself and saying look at what just happened you dumb idiot......you've been used. I went home, cried all night and the next day. Then for more than a year, he tries to get me to believe he really is a good guy, then poof, he's gone. I never hear from him again, except from his friends about what he used to say about me when he was drunk......very disrespectful. ANYWAY, I guess I can't seem to move past that either. Well, this is WAY TOO LONG of a post. I really do need to talk it all out with a therapist. But, thanks for listening to not even the half of it all.
 

David Baxter

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Hi, Rebecca. I think you do need to try to see a therapist. Is there a reason why you're not doing that yet?
 
Joined
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i'm sorry to hear what's happened to you. it's not easy, and depression is an awful thing to have to go through. do you know how long it'll be before you get your insurance cards?
 

Halo

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Jul 19, 2005
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Rebecca,

I just wanted to let you know that I could definitely relate to parts of what you wrote and I really agree that seeing a therapist to talk will definitely help.

Take care
 

rebecca8

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Joined
Aug 17, 2007
Messages
69
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6
It never occured to me that I might have a real problem with depression until a few months ago. I don't really make a lot of money. Maybe 700 a month. Haven't finished my degree. Last night I think I had a nervous breakdown. My mom drinks every day, and the last year or so has been trying to get closer to her brother's son. Her brother died 3 years ago of drug overdose. Now, his son is really messing up with the police and drugs. He comes over a lot unannounced......so I'll be like in comfortable clothes, not really presentable, and come out of my room, and there he is. I get embarrassed, and run back into my room. She runs in there and calls me ignorant and rude because I don't say hi. Last night she got really smashed. You know, it was really calm around here for a couple of months, I thought it was safe to talk to her about stuff. Last night every touchy subject, (guy who broke my heart, my crappy job, etc.) she throws back at me. Criticizing EVERY thing, making fun of me for being hung up on someone, mocking me by saying his name, and saying she thought she'd help he me out here so I could go back to school, and instead I'm working at some home improvement store enjoying all the attention I get from the men. It's just sick what she assumes about me. My brother doesn't even live with us anymore, but she blames both of us for not helping her. I don't know what she expects us to do. She has major problems in her 50's. My belief is that my brother and I are young, and TRYING so hard, especially with our upbringing, to make decent lives for ourselves. We are the ONLY ones......I'm not exaggerating.....only people in our whole family who do not have an addiction problem. We never get any credit for that. He's seen my other uncle OD and actually dead in the basement. I wasn't living at home at the time, but he also had to get my mom out of jail. I'm afraid to move out now because she passes out and accidently leaves the stove on, or a cigarette burning, or the microwave going for 30 minutes, and smoke filling up the house. I'm afraid she'll burn the house down with all my cats in it. Anyway, last night, I lost it. I felt so crazy, I was screaming, pulling my hair, and shaking because it was like this drunken raspy voice was coming through my door actually TRYING to torment me. And for what? I don't understand what I ever did to her. I'm a really good kid, who I feel has become so weak because of this abuse. How am I supposed to move out, and go to school? My friend would be my roommate, but not until March because he has a normal family who lets him live at home PEACEFULLY while he goes to school. I FINALLY know what I want to study at the age of 25, and it feels like I'm held back from doing anything for myself. I have an older lady I know who has a really big heart. She wants to rent me a small basement apt. in her 2 flat for $400. It's in the city though (Chicago) I was really trying to get away from the city, but maybe I'll have to suck it up. I worry about my cats too. Will they be fed, watered, litter boxes kept clean, and most of all safe? I know that might seem silly, but I'm a HUGE animal lover, and a few years ago rescued a big litter of kittens, neutered them, and now I spoil the heck out of them. I couldn't take them with, my mom is attached, and I wouldn't have enough room in a tiny apt. I can only take 2 cats I had when I moved out the 1st time. Oh, and now I HAVE to get another job because I'm part time, and am not scheduled for any hours next week. They are cutting back or something. Well, thanks for listening. Have to go to work now, and put on a normal face, and deal with rude people all day. Sometimes, I'm afraid I'll lose it there, and just walk out.
 

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