Sometimes, especially the last week or so, when I'm at work or something, it feels like my body is on auto-pilot. It feels so weird. I'll even be talking to someone, and then I'll kinda "wake up" and still be talking. It's like I'm in a dream. I have no idea how my body knows what to do, and my mind knows what to say. I'm in my own little world, and my body is just doing what it has to do to make it through the day. What the heck is that all about? I wonder if has something to do with depression. I'm waiting to get my insurance cards so I can find a therapist. I hope they are not too expensive. I was reading a symptom guide for depression. I have it all. Uncontrollable crying.......especially before bed, feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness. It really does seem like things will never get better. I used to dream (over 7 years ago!) of what my adult life would be like. I thought I would have lots of friends, a wonderful boyfriend, and a career I was passionate about. Now I have 1 long time friend, been used by 2 guys last year, and work part time at a dead end job. I've started wondering what the point is to try and make my life better. I wish I could just leave this world, but I have to stay because I don't want to ruin anyone else's life. Like my mom, and my brother, and some older people I've befriended who I know genuinely care about me. Also, this might seem weird, but I couldn't leave my cats behind either. Somedays, they are the only ones who will bring me joy. I thought I wanted to work with/for animals as a career, but often I become discouraged because of some dumb little thing. I know that's probably because I'm not strong now. I can't pinpoint only one thing that has weakened my spirit. I've also become very jaded and bitter. It's hard for me to see couples, and groups of friends having fun. I think about my old best friend, and how she must be living it up without me. We ended our friendship because of our guy friend she wanted all to herself. She felt I betrayed her by writing him through email. We talked that over, and everything seemed to be fine for a few months, but then she was always too busy for me. I told her how I felt about that, and she dumped me claiming she was a good and loyal friend for 16 years, and her actions proved that. I told her she was right, that her actions really are proving what kind of a friend she is......it was either her way or the highway (she didn't want to discuss why we weren't hanging out anymore....she said I was beating a dead horse which was funny because it was the first time I brought it up) Hmm, obviously I'm not over that yet. I was also having a hard time getting over being used. I worked with the guy, so I saw him alot. He kept telling me he liked me, but didn't want a relationship. I find it so difficult to move past how he couldn't have said that BEFORE we slept together. Get this, he lured me out of his apt. with ice cream....."let's get ice cream.." He understood I'm usually (used to be) childlike/playful. While on the street with every shop closed, not 10 minutes after, he starts explaining for the 1st time (we had been on a few dates before AND talked a lot at work) how he does not want to be in a relationship. It was like I was out of my body looking down on myself and saying look at what just happened you dumb idiot......you've been used. I went home, cried all night and the next day. Then for more than a year, he tries to get me to believe he really is a good guy, then poof, he's gone. I never hear from him again, except from his friends about what he used to say about me when he was drunk......very disrespectful. ANYWAY, I guess I can't seem to move past that either. Well, this is WAY TOO LONG of a post. I really do need to talk it all out with a therapist. But, thanks for listening to not even the half of it all.