Small Talk, Big Skill

[David Baxter PhD]

Small Talk, Big Skill​

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Very often in therapy, building friendships becomes a behavioral goal. Two of my earlier posts talk about finding oneself with too few friends and some general strategies for finding friends. This post will give some suggestions on what to actually talk about once you have found people worth getting to know.

Putting yourself in a situation where you can meet people is an important step in the friend-building process. A next, big step and helpful skill is the art of initiating a conversation. A step many people find very anxiety producing. A step many believe they are no good at. A step many people are too afraid to try. A step the leaves people avoiding social situations altogether.

It may be a comfort to know that many people experience social anxiety and many people report having trouble coming up conversation starters. So it never hurts to remind yourself that you're not the only person who struggles to break the ice and make small talk.

But when two people are standing next to each other, and the idea is to socialize, somebody's got to do it, right? And it may as well be you. Especially if you're motivated because (a) you want more connections in your life and (b) someone has caught your eye.

And you never know, the person you're eyeing could be more shy than you. Could be hoping you talk first. Could welcome an end to the awkwardness. This is when you can take a deep breath and tell yourself that your attempt at small talk might just be appreciated.

There are three main types of small talk that I will cover: (1) Ice Breakers (2) Introductions, and (3) Follow Ups. Today's post will concern itself with Ice Breakers. In a later post, or two, we'll talk about Introductions and Follow Ups.

With Ice Breakers, here are some suggestions to keep in mind:

1. You're not trying to make a deep connection the first time you meet. You don't need to dazzle or impress. You're just trying to get some conversation, any conversation, started. So keep your opener short and simple.
2. The less you know the person, the less personal your comment or question. Keep your comments neutral and general. Focus on something around you, not about you.
3. Likewise, the more conventional your location, the more conventional you will want to keep the conversation topics. Conventional means neutral, common, general, maybe even boring. Don't ruffle feathers. Don't try to be profound. Keep it light and upbeat.
   
   If you are in an edgy nightclub, at a rock concert, or watching performance art, taking risks might work. But in general, it's safer to keep your comments bland. You don't know this person yet, or very well, so you don't want to startle, pry or challenge. You want to keep it comfortable. And the less you know about a person, keeping it bland is the safest bet.
4. Look for something you have in common with the person you're trying to talk to. You may be wondering, what if I don't know this person very well? How you can I possibly know what we have in common. Well, here's the answer. At a minimum, what you have in common is your location.

So look around you. Whether you're in the same room or standing on the same sidewalk, at a minimum you've got your physical surroundings in common. And always? There's the weather.

Here are some general topics along these lines:

• The weather (again, it works).
• Traffic (everybody hates it).
• The building.
• The club, organization or group that is holding the function.
• The sports team that's on the television above the bar (but only if he is paying attention).
• The music that's playing.
• The people you both know.
• The class you're both taking.
• The store in which you're standing in line.

Here are a few examples of Ice Breakers:

At a house party: "Who do you know here?" Or, "How do you know Jon and Cara?" "Do you know this neighborhood very well?"

At a wedding: "Are you here with the bride or the groom?" "How long have you known her?" "Their vows were so unusual. Do you know if they wrote them?" "I know the bride but not much about the groom. Do you know how they met?"

At a neighborhood barbeque: "Do you live in this neighborhood?" "I can't believe how overcast it is today. I hope it doesn't rain." "I see Donna has put in some new landscaping over there. She's really keeping her yard nice." "It's been ages since I've had barbeque. I definately brought my appetite with me today. How about you? Are you much for beef brisket?"

At a restaurant or nightclub: "Have you eaten here before?" "Did you have to wait long for your glass of wine?" "What do you suggest on the menu?" "Have you tried the sushi here? Is it any good?" "Where do people park in this town? It took me forever to find a place."

If you look back at the Ice Breakers I suggested, they mostly tend to focus the topic of conversation away from the personal, away from the individuals involved. Instead they direct the questions to people and things around them.

When someone doesn't know you very well, they may not be interested in discussing anything very revealing about themselves. So wait a good while before asking questions of a personal nature.

Sometimes the person you approach will respond to your ice breaker in a talkative way. But there's also the chance of a lengthy pause, an awkward silence. So a future post will talk about the next step, conversational Follow-Uppers.

Meanwhile, picture yourself in a recent situation where you wish you had tried to start a conversation. Or you did make an attempt but didn't get very far. And now refer back to my suggestions and see if you can come up with a few Ice Breakers of your own. Practicing in your head, or covert rehearsal in CBT language, is a good way to up your chances of success the next time around.

A few links you might find helpful:

• Tips for Starting Conversation with People you Don't know by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
• The Shy Person's Guide to Conversation by Susie Cortright
• Small Talk on the Job

And there are books on the topic:

• The Fine Art of Small Talk by Debra Fine
• Small Talk: The Art of Socializing by Kathy Schmidt, Louise Jordan, and Marisha Rogers
• The Art of Mingling by Jeanne Martinet
• Conversationally Speaking by Alan Garner

 

[Daniel E.]

Ten Tips to Talk About Anything with Anyone​

Psychology Today blog: Fulfillment at Any Age
by Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D., author of The Search for Fulfillment

Even introverts can learn to make small talk...

We all fear the awkward silence when we're expected to make small talk with a stranger. Perhaps it's at a business dinner, and you're sitting next to a new colleague. Maybe you're at a wedding, and you meet a friend of a friend of a friend. How do you get past the initial introductions? How about when you're in a high stakes situation such as a job interview when you're expected to outshine the competition? Then there's always the blind date. How can you turn it into the start of something big (assuming you want to)?Everyone has a different conversational style. If you have an extroverted personality, you can probably be planted in any social situation and at least get the small talk started without feeling too much pain. If you're on the introverted side, however, these situations can make you cringe. All you can think about is how much you're like to escape. Most people are somewhere in the middle on the introversion-extroversion dimension but everyone has moments of greatness and everyone has moments of utter failure when the pressure is on to be scintillating.

Success in the small talk domain is a lot like success in other social situations, including online chats, job interviews, and social networking. The basic premise is that you find common ground with the people with whom you communicate by using the right amount of self-disclosure, empathy, and tact. I've found that perhaps the most useful guide for small talk sphere comes from the person-centered approach to therapy of Carl Rogers. In the 1970s, Rogers made tremendous contributions to counseling and clinical psychology by teaching therapists how best to listen, reflect the feelings of their clients, and turn these reflections into change-promoting insights. Obviously you're not going to perform psychotherapy in your chats with random social companions. But you can use the insights provided by Rogers to smooth over the rough patches in your chats with strangers. Add to these pearls of wisdom a little social psychology, and you've got a perfect formula for succeeding no matter who you're talking to or how much you dislike or are averse to meeting strangers.

Enough small talk; let's go with those ten tips!

1.Listen. Too often when we're meeting someone new, we try to fill the dead moments with chatter about ourselves. Far better for you to listen first, talk second. Of course, someone has to start the conversation, but if you and your companion actually listen to each other and not worry about what to say next, things will flow more naturally.

2. Use empathic reflecting skills. The next level of Rogerian communication involves restating what you heard or at least what you think you heard. This will show that you've been listening and will also allow your conversation partner to clarify if in fact you are way off in your judgment of what you thought you heard.

3. Turn on your nonverbal detectors. Rogers was well known for his ability to read the body language of his clients. It's easiest to do this if you refocus your attention from how you're feeling inside to how you think the other person is feeling based on that person's nonverbal cues. If the person seems uncomfortable with where the conversation is heading, shift gears. Though some people enjoy debating politics, religion, and sex, other people would rather keep things light. Learn how to gauge the impact of what you're saying by reading bodily cues such as posture, eye contact, and hand movements.

4. Avoid snap judgments. If you follow steps 1-3 above, you'll be less likely to misjudge the person you're talking to, but we all suffer from the temptation to rush to conclusions about people based on superficial cues. Things aren't always what they seem to be when meeting someone for the first time. If you've listened carefully, reflected back what you heard, and kept your nonverbal channel open, you'll be less likely to make a mistaken judgment based on outer cues.

5. Be an online detective or behavioral profiler. You can help your case even further if you have the chance to find out ahead of time who you'll be meeting along with a little bit of their history. Then you'll be prepared to ask questions that will be relevant to the people you're meeting. If you don't have the opportunity, practice your behavioral profiling by using the visual cues at your disposal (think Sherlock Holmes who could infer occupation by looking at someone's hands).

6. Don't assume people will agree with you. Research on social psychology shows that many of us engage in the "assumed similarity bias." It's not safe to conclude that because you are opposed to one or another political party that the person you're talking to is as well. Debates can make for enjoyable conversation. If you assume everyone feels as you do, though, it's likely you'll get started on the wrong foot and end up with it in your mouth.

7. Try to learn from each interaction with a new person. A person you've never met before may have been places and done things that you haven't yet or will never do. People from other places, including countries other than your own, can give you new perspectives. They will only open up if you show that you're interested. You can expand your knowledge of other regions, cultures, and nations, ultimately making you a more interesting conversationalist as well.

8. Stay on top of the news. Being familiar with current events is absolutely the best way to have enough topics to bring up in any conversation. The topics don't have to be weighty nor do they have to involve in-depth expertise. Even knowing what the number one box office hit or what the hot songs or videos are is better than being oblivious to what is going on in the world around you.

9. Know when not to talk. Some people prefer no conversation at all, especially in confined situations such as public transportation. You might think it's great to while away the boring hours on a long airplane ride by conversing with your seat neighbor. However, if you're getting cues from that passenger (or others around you) to the contrary, then take the hint that your silence would be considered golden. If you find yourself constantly doing this wherever you go (and getting negative feedback), make sure you won't be bored by bringing along something to read or do to keep yourself amused.

10. Don't overshare. Perhaps you've heard the adage that it's ok to tell strangers your most private secrets. After all, you'll never see them again. Right? There are 3 flaws in that argument:

1. You may see that person again, or that person might know someone you know. In the six-degrees-of separation world that we live in, it's amazing how quickly your personal secrets can spread.
2. People feel uncomfortable when they hear a stranger's deepest secrets. Put yourself in the other person's shoes. How would you feel if you heard someone you hardly know tell you about their love affairs, medical condition, or family disputes?
3. Oversharing can make you a bore. Though we can choose not to read the tedious everyday ramblings of our Facebook friends, it's a little more difficult to do this in person. If you go back to Tip #3, you should be able to judge when you're about to commit the sin of TMI (too much information).

Meeting new people and having to make small talk isn't everyone's favorite pastime, but if you follow these simple tips, you might find yourself enjoying some of the "extra's" to balance off your inner introvert.


Follow me on Twitter @swhitbo for daily updates on psychology, health, and aging.

Check out my website,www.searchforfulfillment.com. For more information, read the "Weekly Focus" containing more background to this posting and additional tips.

 

[Daniel E.]

How to be a Great Conversationalist - University of Calgary​

...Once the conversation gets going, don't interrupt. Bright people are often the biggest interrupters I know. Anticipating where the conversation is going or having a scintillating insight to add, they can easily leap in and interrupt the other person mid-sentence. If you are prone to interrupt, take a deep breath and slow down. Remember that conversation is about getting to know someone or learn about something of interest - it is not a competition to show who knows the most about the topic at hand. Showing interest in what the other person is saying will help them feel important to you and build a great connection!

Now, sometimes you might have the experience of being ‘caught' in a conversation where someone is going on and on and on. You don't want to interrupt, yet you are ready to move on. Find or create a pause in the conversation and say "I need to get back to studying." or "I'd love to chat more when I have more time." Sometimes people talk quickly without end due to their own anxiousness or self-pre-occupation. In either case, it fine to listen for awhile and then excuse your self and move on.

Finally, if you find it difficult to talk with other people, start by trying the above suggestions while doing an activity. I remember being more comfortable talking with my father when we were driving in the car or doing yard work together. Sometimes adding activity to conversation helps things flow more smoothly or gives you something to talk about.

 

[locrian]

My preference is start out with one or two neutral comments/observations, rather than any questions (unless I really need help with directions or something else). Based on the other person's reaction, I'll get a sense of whether or not they're interested in conversation. If I get the green-light signal, I might ask a question.

If I do ask a question, I would rather ask something that requires more than a yes/no response.

As far as looking for nonverbal clues, I make sure that I don't see a hand holding something up to an ear. Cell phones can be quite small and almost invisible.

When I visited San Francisco by myself a few years ago, I made a point of engaging in conversations while waiting for publilc transportation (trollies and ferries). People do get bored waiting in line to get on a boat or standing at a bus stop, and they might prefer some conversation to the monotony of standing around with nothing to do.

 

[Daniel E.]