So Tired and I Just Want to Give Up.

[Autolux123]

1st off Im not a whiner although this post may make me sound like one.

I am 46 and at a point in my life where I don't know what to do or where to turn.
I grew up in Chicago met my wife at 32 left my home town and a promising career to follow my wifes passion and her career to become a college professor as she was further ahead and
more invested in hers at the time. We moved from state to state moved back to her home town against every fiber of my being when her dad got sick.........her dad passed we were stuck in Omaha, I couldn't find a decent job for the life of me
I was offered a job in Colorado doing what I love and I left ahead thinking we would all reunite there (a place we always talked of moving to) I had to leave my 5yr old son behind, hardest thing I have ever done.......3months in wife filed for divorce (I don't blame her, my bouts of depression would push anyone away) Stuck again in Colorado 8hrs. away from my boy and not really making enough money on my own to visit him like I wanted......2-yrs. stuck away from my boy....talk about heartache.
I sore to the Universe I would get back to my lil guy and promised him the same......I finally did it......I took a job that turned out to be not at all what they promised...thrilled to be with my boy again and he is so happy I am here and so much more at peace and secure knowing I live right down the street..........but again stuck in a sucky ass job I hate.......compromising my soul again (I will do anything to be near that boy) but my life, my story , I can't get anything right.......Its almost as if I enjoy the beat downs and the punishment. I am so glad to be near the boy and believe it or not with all the turmoil in my psyche in my head, I am good at one thing and thats being a DAD.......a damn good caring loving dad.


I don't know where Im going with this, but my life is a F***ing broken record screw up after screw up I find myself repeating the same situations in different environments year after year........I pray for some form of success but it always evades me. Im smart, all my life Ive been told I am a very good looking man, I have a lot of knowledge and skills..............so Im told.

BUT!!!!! there is this beast inside of me that rears its ugly head whenever I get momentum or start making progress.......This depression has destroyed my self confidence, robs me of all my energy and turns me into a shriveled frail old man.
I don't see that good looking man I hear about in the mirror, I see a sorry sad, ugly, fat, piece of S**T. No matter how much education I could try to obtain it will never be good enough, Ill still be stupid and worthless, no good for anybody.....funny how the things your parents call you stick with you your whole life and no matter how many therapy sessions, medications, voodoo spells or shamanic rituals you put yourself through, you can't release the grip........I know , boo hoo mommy was mean to you , suck it up and grow the f**k up right?!?!?

I passed up, turned down, so many relationships, job opportunities, friendships, life learning opportunities.............not because they were wrong for me but because I had convinced myself I was too flawed for them, too crazy, too messed up, not talented enough, not worthy enough. I used to turn them down and then punish myself over them....self medicate with booze to drown it out.....only to make myself feel worse. I don't drink or smoke anymore so all Im left with are these relentless thoughts, depression and anxiety that eat at my every move, diminish any good Idea or thought.

Im saying this here because I hide it well in public, I hide it from my boy......I keep it inside and act a strong big stoic man.....

When Im alone though, the thoughts come out, I really let myself have it sometimes Ill even punch myself in the face for punishment of how much of a loser I am. Bright sunny days look grey.....everythings dull deadened, muffled.....im barely alive and faking it as I go through the motions. I hate myself and wish a bus would just randomly crush me cause Im too big of a chicken to do it myself.............I hate hating myself.....Im so tired of hating myself...

I can say this here, nobody else knows, sure they know Ive been depressed before but I no longer show it....ive pushed it all down real good to the point I feel dead inside..........

It hit me from out of nowhere......I was handling job changes , moves, divorce etc.etc. and handling it quite well........Then blam!!!!! there it was I woke up and it was in me I shook my head tried to shake it off... it was back the worst depression I have felt since my first major episode in my early 20's...........Its always there....but can just choose to lay dormant for a while...............Why the hell am I here? what purpose is this all of my life tormented from grade school to adult life...a born loser a joke. this is hell and I hate it....I f***ing hate it and pray to god , to the universe to make it stop. Beg them to make it go away but it never does.

You know in reality, everyday I try to do right to live right. I don't wish any ill will on anybody: I love animals: I take such good care of my boy, my dog, Ive been commented on how kind and gentle I am even though Im built like a linebacker.....I want my boy to NEVER have to experience any of the junk I wen through as a kid....to right the wrongs of the past........I want good things, happiness, success, a decent job I like, peace and love but I feel like I am internally flawed and something out there just won't allow me to have those things......my own worst enemy, captive in my own prison with walls so thick Ive just about given up trying to knock them down......im really running out of hope.

 

[making_art]

Welcome , Autolux..... Yup depression is one of biggest of beasts to fight. What weapons do you use? Therapist? Meds? This place here to talk about the issues and get support is a great weapon...

 

[MHealthJo]

Autolux, you have been through so much and my thoughts will be with you. I am glad you reached out to us here. Consider this a safe place where you can express things you need or want to express at any time. (Many people like to use the main forum, and others like to at times put thoughts and feelings down in their Blog section. Hope that you will feel free to use the beneficial act of putting things into words, or even poetry or art or photography or something if you like, as some like to do. Have a good look around here and check out the good info and threads Psychlinks has to offer.

You have done so much more than so many people do - you have not carried forward harmful behaviour to your child. You have been a kind, good, and caring father. You have very much to be proud of.

Something I have noticed is that it can really take a good bit of time, the right therapist and a good interpersonal 'fit', and time for the therapist to know and use the right therapy techniques, for healing to happen.... Sometimes shorter term styles are used, but it can really take time (especially for those of us who are used to putting on a stoic, strong front) to get a little deeper and heal things on a deeper-down level, perhaps to properly allow the opportunity for untouched emotions to eventually emerge in the therapy room and be heard so they can slowly process and heal, and to set us on different paths on our journey...

I wonder Autolux if you would consider at some time going again... Going through bad times again does not mean that a person is a failure or that therapy has failed. The fact is that humans truly need very good support in life, and life has so much new harder stuff it can always throw at us. The fact is that all humans will eventually struggle with this strange journey called life in all kinds of ways, whether it's obvious and visible in a person or not. Whether they have been through awful unneccessary verbal treatment and a lack of acceptance, understanding, approval, warmth and affection, or unconditional love from a parent or both parents, or not. Although those factors are truly an unfair and hurtful weight that a parent can pass on, from whatever the parent's own issues are and wherever they got their issues from, and are something I can relate to. Reading and therapy work in the area of schema therapy can be a very healing area to work with, when you have opportunity.

In the moments when your deepest and darkest feelings lift a little Autolux, I hope that it is a source of pride and a tiny little beginning of self-love for you, that you have been an excellent father and also have not passed this behaviour forward.

Really, interpersonal care and acceptance and warmth and encouragement are human needs, and we must seek them out. Many of us though due to our backgrounds or other things, are not used to doing this. The devastating attacks of things like depression and undeserved self-hate certainly make this a very hard thing to do. The safe support of a therapist trained to get to know us, understand us, and guide us, is so invaluable at those times, when it becomes even more difficult than usual to engage in other activities or connections where support can be received. Support communities with those who understand our experience, are also incredibly valuable during illness phases or healing phases of our journey ... and beyond, as well. Many are surprised to discover that offering even the most basic, minimal, or obvious kind word to another person suffering or struggling, even something as simple as "I'm sorry that you are going through that/went through that." is a surprisingly healing thing to do for oneself. So online or offline communities, groups, chatrooms, support groups, blogs, comment threads, social medias, activity groups, and so forth, are invaluable supports to keep hold of. So you have done an excellent thing seeking this out today Autolux. I believe Psychlinks also has a chat group or chat feature via Tapatalk.

Great meeting you Autolux and hope Psychlinks can support you and other new members on the journey.

 

[forgetmenot]

So nice to hear you are back with your son who needs your love and guidance. The job may suck right now but it has brought you your son back and a life with him so for now keep the job but continue to look for another one ok close to home . He will always love you for the sacrifices you have made for him nice to meet you Autolux welcome to the forum

 

[Jesse910]

Autolux, your title resonates with me. Currently, I too feel very tired and have considered giving up. It has been a while since I have felt this way. I hear your frustration and pain. And, perhaps counseling or talking to a trusted friend is advisible. It is hard to see the road unless you clear away some of the brush. You may not feel it right now, but you have a child and, he needs your continued guidance, support, and love. Depression is a treatable illness. You deserve to stick around and explore options to receive information and care. Tomorrow, I am seeing my therapist not because I want to, but because I want to feel better. And, my therapist knows me better than anyone. You are not alone Autolux. I hope you check here again.