So tired

[DCooper]

I lost my mother to cancer in March of 2007. She had a type of skin cancer called Squamous cell carcinoma and it ended up spreading taking 3 years to take her. Ever since she found out she had it, I haven't slept much.

When I was 19, I had a stroke and had to move back in with my folks. I was a rebellious kid and during the time I lived with them, my mom and I got along as if none of my behavior in the past had ever happened. Then she got sick so I found a job and helped my dad, who is disabled, pay the bills. I have 3 brothers and they more or less never came around to help.

After Mom passed, I was put in the hospital and had to be medicated. Since then I haven't been able to function like everyone else. You could say I "let myself go" but I think that insinuates a conscious effort.

My boss refused to give me my 3 days pay for a death in the family, so I didn't go in for a week, and nearly lost my job.

I stay up late at night because I don't want to lie awake thinking about Mom dying. I've often seen 3 sunrises before finally passing out from exhaustion. I don't know if there is an end to this, but I'm beginning to feel like if an end doesn't come then I may have to make an end appear.

No one seems to care how I feel and frankly it doesn't even matter anymore. I'm sick of feeling this way. I can't sleep and I'm rarely hungry. Nothing seems to make me smile anymore.

I've called the 1800 suicide number last year and I was actually asked to repeat myself over and over again. Then in the middle of the call I was put on hold so the girl could answer her cell phone. It's pretty bad when the suicide hotline doesn't even care.

I'm at my wits end here and I don't know what to do. I don't have a job at the moment and I can't afford to see a doctor. It's looking like my only other option is to go see my mom. At least I know she still loves me.

 

[Daniel E.]

I don't have a job at the moment and I can't afford to see a doctor.

You may want to call the United Way in your county to see what services they offer:

2-1-1 Call Center Search

(The services that are offered vary widely, with metropolitan areas usually have more services.)

There are also support groups in most cities and large towns.

It's looking like my only other option is to go see my mom.

If you are feeling suicidal, most human contact is usually better than nothing. There is a better-funded suicide hotline at 1-800-273-TALK.

(If you are ever at imminent risk to yourself, just go the emergency room or call 911.)

 

[Andy]

DC,

I am so sorry about your mother. I cannot imagine what you are going through.
You are sounding very defeated and I can appreciate why. :support:

I have called a hot line and been connected with someone who was very rude who did not help my situation either. Just the luck of the draw though. There is a bad apple in every bunch and I would hope that if you need to call again you would not let your first experience stop you. There really are some very supportive and helpful people on those lines.

Is there anyway you can get in to see a therapist? I know you said your broke but I know most therapist go on a sliding fee schedule, so it might be something you could try. Going to see your mom is not your only other option.

What country are you living in if you don't mind me asking? Maybe we can think of some other resources for you.

Please, please use the suicide lines or go to your ER if your feeling like it's just to much.:support:

 

[DCooper]

I'm in the United States. I've never gone through the motions of seeing a therapist. I'm sure they charge even for a simple office visit. Right now I'm living with a friend while I look for a job.

The thing is, I called the 1800 suicide number and I somehow got transferred to the 1800-talk number. That's where the girl was rude.

I don't even know if a therapist is even worth the trouble.

 

[white page]

Hi Dcooper,
From what you say, it may be that you are grieving very much for your Mom, seeing a therapist will help you to express your grief, it helps so much to talk about how we are feeling, you will always miss your Mom, but there will come a time of acceptance of her loss.
Very often there is reactional depression after the loss of a parent, it may be that you are suffering from this, I would strongly advise you to see a Doctor, please seek help
Dcooper.

 

[Andy]

I think a therapist would be very beneficial to you. It's scary to have to think about going to one. When I first saw psychologist, I didn't know what it was going to be like or if it was even worth trying. After awhile I did see that even just the talking and getting things off my chest was very helpful.

Unfortunately I am in Canada so I do not know if they charge for an office visit or not. I am sure someone will know though. I suppose there is no harm in phoning to ask.

If you aren't sure the therapist will be worth it then it really can't harm giving it a go. I mean if it sucks you leave, if it's good then you stay, right?

Well, hopefully someone with better resources or someone who lives in the US can come on and offer that up.
:support:

 

[Daniel E.]

I'm sure they charge even for a simple office visit.

Some therapists will do pro bono work, which is another reason calling the United Way can only help.

Also, if you haven't seen a doctor recently, maybe they can provide some healthcare services like a routine physical exam and bloodwork given your history of stroke. For example:

Free Health Care for People without Jobs ? United Way Tampa Bay Blog