Ok I'm new to this so it's kinda weird for me but someone I know told me to try this out...umm I have had so many issues lately and in the past two if them being indigenous depression and insomnia ...my house wasn't great growing up...I have a very dysfunctional loving family....my parents care about me and my brothers but my mom thinks I?m out to get her (her words) and all I want to ever do is make her mad or disappointed....my father is cold hearted calculating and a lot of the time never told me he so much as liked me he tells me he loves me but I never see or sense any conviction just frustration and anytime he and I have ever had a long conversation it's was him telling me how disappointed I am To him and how imma end up doing drugs and being a drunk....my mom has taken me and shoved me on the stairs and screamed in my face because she though I stole money from her purse but that fact was I had just woken up.
..well that some of the past now fast forward to 2012 I?m in school and I wanted my girlfriend to come to school with me and she wanted to as well and this was such an issue with my parents...they hated it...they told me they would cut me off and they wouldn't help me at all and how I'm going to ruin my life...well it got to the point where my girlfriend almost didn't come and I fell into a huge depression because my parents wouldn't talk to me except to tell me how stupid i am and also to tell me in which ways I?ve failed in my life....they called her a whore, a slut, said she is going to get pregnant and I'm going drop out of school and ruin our lives, and they took the money for my college away from me and also the money in my bank account left over from working summer jobs..
..I didn't know what to do so I told my gf not to come to stay and just stay away from me cuz it wasn't going to work like this...she didn't listen (thank god) and she came and has been helping me out...there has been many things that they have done to me that have just been all most too much....I do see from there side though...I see how I hurt them and I apologize and try to make it work but they just seem to want to continue to fight...the stress depression and anxiety this has caused has been effecting my school work to the point that I am in danger if losing my financial aid and that was the only thing keeping me in school right now I don't have a car or a license I really have nothing...
..my parents wanted to give me a monthly allowance for the summer and when I said 100$ a month is what I would need from them (knowing I won't get any more) my dad said that my prepossessing was ridiculous and never gave me money...I'm on campus during the summer and they don?t have the cafeteria open so I need to buy my own food but I has no money and just started a job and won't get paid for another week...if my girlfriend hadn't come I wouldn't be eating right now...she had money for food and have been making dinner for us every night since the semester ended.....I've been told by a councilor that I have an IQ of 190 after taking a test given to me by my school...i saw the score after but i feel like maybe he made some sort of mistake because of school mostly...
first semester I failed all my classes...not some...not a few...all of them...i was so upset with my relationship with everyone I didn't want to do anything...i kinda gave up....after the first semester I went to go to my gf house for Christmas and of course that didn't sit well with my parents...they said that I needed to come home and when should I have my flight scheduled and honestly i didn't think i could take being home at all for a month with no friends and just my brother....i didn't feel i was ready emotionally...and mentally....they then started saying i was replacing them they made it clear that i knew that they told my brother (we will call him Adrian) that i was replacing him as well and that i was going to ruin my life by not coming home and i only went over to her house so i can have sex with her and all these other horrible things i never thought id hear my mom say....
Adrian and my other brother (8 years old we will call him Steve) were very upset the 8 year old was sad and Adrian started to saying everything my parents were saying to me....he even said i wasn't his brother anymore and never to talk to him....My brother are the world to me...I am the oldest....Adrian is 16 and Steve in little....to Steve i have always been a super hero...He will swear up and down its true and he will fight you if u say he is wrong....and Adrian is smart and an extremely talented soccer player...he has been with me through a lot and i have helped him a lot through the things we had to deal with from both our parents together....so hurts to have heard those things from him....
So when I can back for my second semester me and my parents hadn?t spoken for a long time and I decided that I would do better even if my parents wouldn?t talk to me or believed I could do it?well I didn?t have money so I was relying on financial aid fully to keep me there?turns out because of my poor performance I was in danger of losing that all together and I meet with someone who worked here at the school and he told me I needed to make at least a 2.0 to keep it?because he basically needs to talk to the heads to the financial department and present reasons as to why they should let me keep my aid?..
I signed a contract and everything with him and I did everything I said I would on the contract?.I even started to talk to my parents and things were getting a bit better?.I went home to work things out with them and my brother?.Steve was really happy to see me?and me and Adrian actually kinda started to get back on track?.things with my parents were exactly the way I thought it would have been like at Christmas?.a lot of yelling calling me a failure and what not and even calling me name and saying I?ve let myself go mentally (which is old news I haven?t been fully mentally stable in years I?ve just been functional and getting help where I can) spiritually (which was insulting cuz I go to a Christian university and they don?t talk to me bout anything so how would the know??) and also physically?
Now all this was on my way to the airport and through out the week?.when I talked to Adrian he still wasn?t able to fully say ok your right your not totally in the wrong but I could tell he was getting it?..
Anyway I?ve been talking to them on and off and they have been of no help in anything?.they wont even help with fixing our relationship?my mom says that I have to be the one to fix it because I messed it up and I should do it not them?and idk how I?m at a loss and feel like a failure for not being able to figure it out?I?ve been told I?m intelligent but I can figure out how to fix these issues?I feel like I?ve been lied to and that someone must have been talking bout some one else but not me?.
I also got my grades back and some how some way I only managed to get a 1.5 gpa for the semester?.so I?m screwed?idk what to do because I just got an email that I will have my aid taken away and with that gone ill have no where to go?.
My gf is telling me I should go with her to Georgia to a new community school and start over as a brand new freshman and try it that way and she says it will be better for me academically and emotionally because I will be able to be able to make my own way a little more and it will be easier cuz it will be cheaper?.but it close to her family so my parents wont like that at all and will cause more conflict and make things a lot worse like they were when this started?but my friend is there and he is going to boot camp soon and I really would love to see him he is a brother to me and so is my other friend who is in the army and is deploying soon and it could be the last time I see him ever?.I just don?t know what to do?..
I use to feel like I was a superhero the way Steve see?s me? he is convinced himself that I must be iron because I?m ?so smart and strong and can do anything??.I loved that feeling..that no matter what I would be able to invent away to help myself and at this point I don?t know anymore?.I don?t think I can fix any of this?.i don?t think I?m strong enough or smart enough or anything anymore?I don?t even think I look good physically anymore and I try to go to the gym everyday but I still don?t think I can do this?and I don?t know what?s going to happen next?
Sorry for the long thread I just had a lot to say?if I didn?t make some things clear im sorry but thanks for reading?.
..well that some of the past now fast forward to 2012 I?m in school and I wanted my girlfriend to come to school with me and she wanted to as well and this was such an issue with my parents...they hated it...they told me they would cut me off and they wouldn't help me at all and how I'm going to ruin my life...well it got to the point where my girlfriend almost didn't come and I fell into a huge depression because my parents wouldn't talk to me except to tell me how stupid i am and also to tell me in which ways I?ve failed in my life....they called her a whore, a slut, said she is going to get pregnant and I'm going drop out of school and ruin our lives, and they took the money for my college away from me and also the money in my bank account left over from working summer jobs..
..I didn't know what to do so I told my gf not to come to stay and just stay away from me cuz it wasn't going to work like this...she didn't listen (thank god) and she came and has been helping me out...there has been many things that they have done to me that have just been all most too much....I do see from there side though...I see how I hurt them and I apologize and try to make it work but they just seem to want to continue to fight...the stress depression and anxiety this has caused has been effecting my school work to the point that I am in danger if losing my financial aid and that was the only thing keeping me in school right now I don't have a car or a license I really have nothing...
..my parents wanted to give me a monthly allowance for the summer and when I said 100$ a month is what I would need from them (knowing I won't get any more) my dad said that my prepossessing was ridiculous and never gave me money...I'm on campus during the summer and they don?t have the cafeteria open so I need to buy my own food but I has no money and just started a job and won't get paid for another week...if my girlfriend hadn't come I wouldn't be eating right now...she had money for food and have been making dinner for us every night since the semester ended.....I've been told by a councilor that I have an IQ of 190 after taking a test given to me by my school...i saw the score after but i feel like maybe he made some sort of mistake because of school mostly...
first semester I failed all my classes...not some...not a few...all of them...i was so upset with my relationship with everyone I didn't want to do anything...i kinda gave up....after the first semester I went to go to my gf house for Christmas and of course that didn't sit well with my parents...they said that I needed to come home and when should I have my flight scheduled and honestly i didn't think i could take being home at all for a month with no friends and just my brother....i didn't feel i was ready emotionally...and mentally....they then started saying i was replacing them they made it clear that i knew that they told my brother (we will call him Adrian) that i was replacing him as well and that i was going to ruin my life by not coming home and i only went over to her house so i can have sex with her and all these other horrible things i never thought id hear my mom say....
Adrian and my other brother (8 years old we will call him Steve) were very upset the 8 year old was sad and Adrian started to saying everything my parents were saying to me....he even said i wasn't his brother anymore and never to talk to him....My brother are the world to me...I am the oldest....Adrian is 16 and Steve in little....to Steve i have always been a super hero...He will swear up and down its true and he will fight you if u say he is wrong....and Adrian is smart and an extremely talented soccer player...he has been with me through a lot and i have helped him a lot through the things we had to deal with from both our parents together....so hurts to have heard those things from him....
So when I can back for my second semester me and my parents hadn?t spoken for a long time and I decided that I would do better even if my parents wouldn?t talk to me or believed I could do it?well I didn?t have money so I was relying on financial aid fully to keep me there?turns out because of my poor performance I was in danger of losing that all together and I meet with someone who worked here at the school and he told me I needed to make at least a 2.0 to keep it?because he basically needs to talk to the heads to the financial department and present reasons as to why they should let me keep my aid?..
I signed a contract and everything with him and I did everything I said I would on the contract?.I even started to talk to my parents and things were getting a bit better?.I went home to work things out with them and my brother?.Steve was really happy to see me?and me and Adrian actually kinda started to get back on track?.things with my parents were exactly the way I thought it would have been like at Christmas?.a lot of yelling calling me a failure and what not and even calling me name and saying I?ve let myself go mentally (which is old news I haven?t been fully mentally stable in years I?ve just been functional and getting help where I can) spiritually (which was insulting cuz I go to a Christian university and they don?t talk to me bout anything so how would the know??) and also physically?
Now all this was on my way to the airport and through out the week?.when I talked to Adrian he still wasn?t able to fully say ok your right your not totally in the wrong but I could tell he was getting it?..
Anyway I?ve been talking to them on and off and they have been of no help in anything?.they wont even help with fixing our relationship?my mom says that I have to be the one to fix it because I messed it up and I should do it not them?and idk how I?m at a loss and feel like a failure for not being able to figure it out?I?ve been told I?m intelligent but I can figure out how to fix these issues?I feel like I?ve been lied to and that someone must have been talking bout some one else but not me?.
I also got my grades back and some how some way I only managed to get a 1.5 gpa for the semester?.so I?m screwed?idk what to do because I just got an email that I will have my aid taken away and with that gone ill have no where to go?.
My gf is telling me I should go with her to Georgia to a new community school and start over as a brand new freshman and try it that way and she says it will be better for me academically and emotionally because I will be able to be able to make my own way a little more and it will be easier cuz it will be cheaper?.but it close to her family so my parents wont like that at all and will cause more conflict and make things a lot worse like they were when this started?but my friend is there and he is going to boot camp soon and I really would love to see him he is a brother to me and so is my other friend who is in the army and is deploying soon and it could be the last time I see him ever?.I just don?t know what to do?..
I use to feel like I was a superhero the way Steve see?s me? he is convinced himself that I must be iron because I?m ?so smart and strong and can do anything??.I loved that feeling..that no matter what I would be able to invent away to help myself and at this point I don?t know anymore?.I don?t think I can fix any of this?.i don?t think I?m strong enough or smart enough or anything anymore?I don?t even think I look good physically anymore and I try to go to the gym everyday but I still don?t think I can do this?and I don?t know what?s going to happen next?
Sorry for the long thread I just had a lot to say?if I didn?t make some things clear im sorry but thanks for reading?.
