So unmotivated

[Murray]

I am so unmotivated lately! It is driving me nuts and certainly not helping with my self-loathing.

There are so many things that I should be doing, but I just waste so much time every day. I am just not interested in anything any more. There was a time when I would get so much accomplished every day and I was excited to begin new projects and actually even have some enthusiasm occasionally. I wake up every morning and tell myself that today I will be productive and then still do nothing. Then, every night I beat myself up for being useless and non-productive again.

Now I am so far behind in everything that I feel so overwhelmed and anxious. It is just this vicious cycle that I can't seem to break out of. I am so angry with myself. I have even been passing up some amazing opportunities because I just have absolutely no enthusiasm or drive any more. Years ago I would have made the most of these opportunities and now I am just letting them slip away. I just hate myself and the absolute waste that is my life. There is something that I dreamed about doing for ages and after striving towards this goal for years, this amazing chance finally came up. I was thrilled, but now a year has passed and I have done nothing to achieve this goal!

My life just seems like such a mess; it just makes me so tired to even think about it. The sad thing is that if I could just get up and motivated then I know that it would make things better. I tell myself that if I started to be more productive things would improve, I would feel better about myself, things would feel less out of control, more exciting opportunities would come up, etc. Somehow telling myself this isn't really helping. Every day is just more of the same.

Sorry for the pathetic rant, things are just looking kind of bleak right now.

 

[Domo]

Re: so unmotivated

Hey Muzza teehee

I know this feeling all to well and how completely frustrating it is. The only thing that get's me up each morning is my job and even then some days it's not enough.

Have you discussed this with your therapist?

I'd like to say set a few small goals each day but i know that doesn't always work either.

:support:

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: so unmotivated

He y know that feeling all too well Murray It is hard to be motivated when one is depressed. Have you thought about medication as it does help even if it is just for awhile. Depression seems to suck the life out of you but with therapy and meds you can get back on track okay. Try getting some fresh air go for a walk as this tends to help as well. The sun is out try to get some rays okay and do something just for you Murray something that makes you feel happy okay

 

[Daniel E.]

Do you socialize less on the weekends? (If so, even doing grocery shopping on the weekends can help with being around people.)

 

[Murray]

Thanks Domo, I have discussed this with my therapist and until very recently he thought that I was just saying it and exaggerating about how little I accomplish. Just withing the past few weeks, I think he has come to realize how truly unmotivated I am. Work is also very good for me. Unfortunately (and fortunately) I own my own business, so my schedule is pretty flexible. This is great, but when I am really struggling I can just stay at home and avoid everything for days. Then, I feel even worse about myself and everything else. I would be much better off if I had to go to work, if that makes any sense. Oh well, I do have to go to work tomorrow so maybe it will be a good day.

Thanks Violet, I am just doing the therapy for now, no meds. Your suggestion to get outside is a great one and I wish I could do it. Although I know going outside would be good for me I just can't. If I could get my husband to go with me, then I could go for a walk, but it isn't fair to him to always have to be my "security blanket". It is so pathetic but I have a very hard time going outside. I start to get very anxious and uncomfortable after just a few minutes. Basically I go from my house to my car, from my car to work, and back again. Since I have been in therapy i have managed to go to the little convenience store a couple of buildings away from where I work to get a snack. Lately, everyone has been talking about how lovely it is outside and it is making me feel horrible for not just going out and enjoying it. Most days I don't even know what the weather is like outside. Maybe I can convince my husband to go for a walk today, I know it would be good for both of us. I just hate that I am so weak that I need him to go with me.

Anyway, thanks so much for the responses. I guess I am just wallowing right now.

 

[Into The Light]

i've been there too.. and it royally sucks.

why not start small.. instead of having huge ambitions at the start of each day, pick one thing you will accomplish that day. not a huge thing either - not something that requires huge amounts of effort. just pick one small thing, and get it done. it will give you a sense of accomplishment, and you will be able to build on that sense over time.

 

[forgetmenot]

Murray lately i haven't been able to do much on my own either. I go for walks with my daughter I go for a drive with my husband It is okay to lean on others when you are this low. They don't mind they would rather see you try then not try at all. I just started to accept the fact sometimes it is okay to ask for help It is hard i know but it is necessary to cope Just open the door or a window and sit by it and get the fresh air. Take small steps okay Murray each minute each hour at a time things will get better it will just take time.

 

[Domo]

I have discussed this with my therapist and until very recently he thought that I was just saying it and exaggerating about how little I accomplish.

How does this make you feel?

Do you have a porch or a spot outside your house where you could sit? start out just sitting out there, might only be 5 minutes to start off with and slowly build on that as you get a bit more comfortable. Then walk to the end of the street etc etc. Could that be a possibility?

 

[Murray]

Daniel, I don't socialize much at all. Once in a great while I do get together with a friend, but it is pretty rare. Grocery shopping isn't a bad idea, it is one of the few places I can go on my own without freaking out.

Into the Light, you are right,I need to set smaller goals. I tend to look around me at the mess that is my life and make a to-do list that is unmanageable. I will tell myself that today I will clean the whole house, get caught up on all of my paperwork, exercise, etc. When each of the things on my list are huge chores because I have let them go for so long. Then I just get more angry with myself, which then makes me even less motivated...and round and round we go. Anyway, I will try to set smaller achievable goals so that I can at least see a little bit of progress. One of my friends once told me that she was sick of feeling bad about how little she got done on her to-do list each day. So, she started to add every little thing that she did do to the list just so she could cross it off. For example, checked email, or even made a cup of tea would go onto her list and then get crossed off. Anyway, you are right, I need to set some smaller goals for a while. I just remember the person I used to be who got so much done and it is so incredibly frustrating to be this way.

Thanks Violet, I just feel bad because I don't like to be a burden. I may open the shades in my room today, normally they are down so I don't feel so exposed. I think it is nice today, though so maybe I will try to see the sunshine. My husband is going to meet with some of his coworkers today to teach them to knit this afternoon. He has said that I am welcome to join them. I may go, just to get out and be around people. We'll see.

---------- Post added at 11:16 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:05 AM ----------

"How does this make you feel?" your funny Domo.LOL

It was actually quite frustrating. He seemed to think that since I own my own business that I must really be very productive and just saying that I wasn't because I wasn't doing all of the extra projects that I used to do. The reality is that I am behind on everything and doing the bare minimum every day.
If I cleaned off my deck I could bring a chair out and maybe read a book for a few minutes I suppose. I haven't been able to do that for many years, but maybe I should try again. It is behind my house so I wouldn't feel so exposed. It just sounds so stupid when I write this crap.

 

[Banned]

Hey Murray,

Along the lines of what ITL said, how about making a list, and then splitting it into "Must do today", "Can wait until tomorrow", "Isn't urgent at all" and "I don't care if I actually ever do it" (ok, the last one is for humour sake)...but by prioritizing your tasks, it breaks them up into much smaller pieces, which may not be so daunting when you look at them.

Randy Pausch has an excellent way to prioritize tasks; if you check is lecture on Time Management (available here: http://forum.psychlinks.ca/anxiety-and-stress/18622-time-management-videos.html) it will provide you with some ingenious strategies to not feel so overwhelmed.

I can empathize as well. The weather is so nice, and I have the day off...it'd be nice to lay around and do nothing. I'm doing, what I should be doing (studying...kinda) with a bit of fun interspersed so it doesn't drain me too quickly.

 

[Domo]

If I cleaned off my deck I could bring a chair out and maybe read a book for a few minutes I suppose. I haven't been able to do that for many years, but maybe I should try again. It is behind my house so I wouldn't feel so exposed. It just sounds so stupid when I write this crap.

No maybe, Murray. Definitely!

And also, none of this sounds stupid. I've been there and i understand how paralysing it is.

 

[Murray]

Thanks
I did raise the blinds for a while today and at least look outside. It does look like a beautiful day.

I even got a few things done today. I have been trying to get a project done that has to be done within 3 weeks and I actually have it all written out, now I just need to make it look good. I even sent out a broadcast email to all of my customers and even did a bit of cleaning. I am still waaaayyyyyy behind on so much, but at least I did accomplish something today. Maybe I can get a bit more done this evening.

 

[Domo]

Nice work! Just focus on what you did accomplish and not all that is left to do. Easier said then done i know. But we have to appreciate the small things in times like this

 

[Murray]

Your right, I think I will write down in great detail, every little thing I did just so I can cross it off as done. Made a cup of tea, check. Threw away tea bag, check. That way it will look like I did a bunch of stuff today. hehe

I didn't actually make it outside today, though. oh well, like I said I did at least look out the window. I know that I shouldn't feel that this stuff is stupid, I just get so aggravated with myself. I hate this paralyzing fear that I have about so many things. When I think about the things that I struggle with, they do seem so stupid to me. Logically I should be able to just go for a walk, or drive somewhere unfamiliar, or make a phone call, or whatever, but when I try I just can't. Over the past year or so I have been trying to force myself to do more things, but it is still a struggle. It can be so hard to try to come up with excuses for why I can't do certain things when people ask. They just don't understand and think that I am weak or foolish. Which kind of goes along with how I feel anyway.

Ooops I started to ramble on again, sorry. I just can't seem to manage to be concise.

 

[Domo]

It is hard for people who don't experience it to understand, just know that even though you feel this way, you are not weak.

Also don't be sorry. I like rambling

Remember, baby steps.

 

[forgetmenot]

i am glad you are doing a little better Murray Maybe today just open the window a door get the nice fresh air it is soothing. Funny how sometimes it is so hard to do things like make a phone call but thats okay sometimes reaching out for help is needed. I am such a different person at my work place but when i leave there i can't seem to do the littlest of things i just become so afraid. None of it is stupid You will do what you can on each given day and be greatful for the good days. I hope you get outside today Murray it is sunny and warm I will try to go for a walk with my daughter again. take care and its good to ramble lets the mind unwind a bit.

 

[Murray]

I am at work right now and I have lots of big windows all around me so I can really see what a beautiful day it is. Honestly, I wish it was a dreary day, then I wouldn't feel so guilty about feeling so blah. My business also does better when it is not such a gorgeous day. Oh well. I have accomplished a little bit today, not much but some, and the day is still young.

It is funny how you can do things sometimes and then at other times it seems impossible. I am supposed to give a talk tomorrow night and I don't speak in front of people. Not sure why I agreed to do this, a moment of weakness I suppose. It will be good for my business(if it goes well), but I am afraid that I am going to make a complete a** of myself. Luckily my husband is coming with me to assist. So if I choke too bad, he will help.
Groups don't bother him at all and he has no trouble talking to anyone.

 

[Banned]

What is your talk about, Murray? (If you don't mind answering). Have you done the "practice in front of a mirror or friends" bit yet? I know alot of people find that helpful.

It's pretty dreary here...would you like to change places?!

 

[Murray]

I haven't tried practicing in front of a mirror or in front of friends. I really should do something like that, but I haven't. I have been sort of going over it in my head a bit and I guess I am just hoping for the best although I am terribly unprepared. It is kind of embarrassing, but I am a quilter and I design patterns. So, I am going with a bunch of my creations to talk about them and hopefully sell some stuff. It shouldn't be too bad as I will just be talking about my designs, I just have a hard enough time talking to one person, let alone a whole group. Oh well, I just wish that I had never agreed to do this. At least it will be over soon.

 

[Domo]

Don't be embarrassed! I wish i could do something creative like that

I'm glad you have your husband there for support.

Maybe it will go really well and give you a bit more confidence to talk to people in general?