I am hoping that it will go well as my publisher is really wanting me to do more things like lecturing and traveling to teach, ugh. I'm supposed to teach at some huge international conference next year. I tried to get out of it, but was sort of coerced. So, I figure I better start doing this more now to get comfortable before the big event. I just keep telling myself that they want me to succeed and if I totally screw up, it isn't the end of the world...even if it might feel like it.LOL
What's funny is I can sort of remember this other me, that was much more confident and capable of doing things. I never liked speaking in public and I was always shy and had my issues, but I never had problems going outside, or driving somewhere, or making phone calls, or any of the million things that I struggle with now. Even if I did have problems with something, I didn't give in and avoid everything. I don't know how I got to this point. It must have been fairly gradual, I guess. Just kind of sad and strange. This other me was also very motivated and productive, which is the opposite of what I am now. I think that I used to feel some sort of enthusiasm and drive to accomplish things. Now, I just to the bare minimum required (often even less than that). For many years I had a goal of getting to do a book of my designs. I worked really hard to get to the point where I could do this. Finally, last year a great publisher asked me to do a book! This was one of my big goals so it was great. Now, over a year later, I haven't done anything at all. I just don't feel any creativity or anything. The fact that I am letting this opportunity pass me by just kills me, but I just have nothing in me right now. Years ago, I would have had the first one done and had enough extra stuff for one or two more.
Anyway, I guess I am just feeling pretty down right now when I think about how I am wasting my life. I feel like it is too late to try to improve things. Wow! That train of thought sure took a detour, sorry. I guess I will shut up for now before I get any more pathetic.
What's funny is I can sort of remember this other me, that was much more confident and capable of doing things. I never liked speaking in public and I was always shy and had my issues, but I never had problems going outside, or driving somewhere, or making phone calls, or any of the million things that I struggle with now. Even if I did have problems with something, I didn't give in and avoid everything. I don't know how I got to this point. It must have been fairly gradual, I guess. Just kind of sad and strange. This other me was also very motivated and productive, which is the opposite of what I am now. I think that I used to feel some sort of enthusiasm and drive to accomplish things. Now, I just to the bare minimum required (often even less than that). For many years I had a goal of getting to do a book of my designs. I worked really hard to get to the point where I could do this. Finally, last year a great publisher asked me to do a book! This was one of my big goals so it was great. Now, over a year later, I haven't done anything at all. I just don't feel any creativity or anything. The fact that I am letting this opportunity pass me by just kills me, but I just have nothing in me right now. Years ago, I would have had the first one done and had enough extra stuff for one or two more.
Anyway, I guess I am just feeling pretty down right now when I think about how I am wasting my life. I feel like it is too late to try to improve things. Wow! That train of thought sure took a detour, sorry. I guess I will shut up for now before I get any more pathetic.
