Social or Public Issue

[bookstar]

Hi everyone,

I feel this issue is sort of an oxy-moron in a way. I am an ex male face model and so I was given the gift of a handsome outward appearance, yet when ever I am at an event or in a group type setting, I sense that I am never noticed or I never get approached by anyone. I almost feel as though I am invisible.
One would think that I would be getting hit on by women, and respected by men, yet when I am around people, it's as though I am the ugliest guy in the world. I just don't get it and it has caused some social anxiety for me.

Now just so you know, I don't talk or come across (as I am socializing) to people as though I am arrogant, stuck up, or better then anyone because I honestly feel I am not. Noone is better then anyone. I believe that. At the same time, I see and hear all the time about the "better looking" people getting more attention and hit on by the opposite sex, yet it NEVER happens for me.

I have another post on my height issue. I am 5'7" and have issues with that as well, and so I tend to blame the fact that I never get noticed or hit on in public is because of my height, not my handsome face. But that is a whole other issue I don't need to talk about here as it is in another post.

I do dress real nice and my hair is always perfect and my face is well taken care of. Do I come across to people as trying too hard? Do I come across as unapproachable because of my looks? I just want to understand how people think. Especially women since I am in the market for attracting a beautiful woman into my life.

Sometimes I wish I was born ugly because it seems that the not so attractive people in this world get more attention then what I have experienced. I cannot help how I look. I also don't want to let myself go and try to look ugly either. So what is the secret to attracting people and getting thier attention, especially in a public environment? I'm not looking for praise or for people to fall head over heals for me because of my looks. I just want attention. I want people to notice that I am there. I also want women to notice me. I'm not saying they do not, but if they do they are really good at hiding it and they never approach me, ever! How do I remedy this situation?

Thank you for your help ;o)

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I suspect that this is more in your perception, as with the issue of your height (See Daniel's response in that thread). The reality is that you notice tall men with attractive women because that's what you crave and worry about. I certainly see women with shorter men with some frequency, which makes me wonder why you don't.

I do acknowledge that it is more common to see couples where the man is taller, but that may well have more to do with discomfort among males about dating taller women.

As to your sense of isolation in social situations, the fact that you are worrying about it in an obsessive way as you do likely creates an air or impression of nervousness or anxiety or unease, i.e., it may be a vicious cycle: You worry about people ignoring you or overlooking you, your anxiety is in a sense "broadcast" to others, and in turn your anxiety creates unease in others so they don't approach you.

I also wonder to what extent you approach other people. Often people can be just as shy or insecure as you in these situations and you might be surprised to see how they would respond if you were able to take the initiative in starting a conversation.