Sort of okay the way I am

[Murray]

This may be kind of a strange post, but I was just sort of wondering something after my last therapy session. We were doing EMDR and I had to identify the negative cognition about myself and then the positive one that I would like to believe about myself. Well my negative was (and usually is) "I am worthless or a disappointment". The positive was that "I am okay the way I am". Well, I couldn't even try for that as a possible positive cognition because it didn't feel like something that I could ever bring myself to believe. So, we settled on "I am sort of okay the way I am" as a starting point. It just seemed so pathetic.

I guess what I am wondering is if anyone actually believes that they are okay the way they are or if everyone really feels the way I do. Is this maybe the goal of my therapy and getting over my depression, anxiety, body dismorphic, etc, etc- to believe that I am okay the way I am? It just sounds so wrong to even consider the possibility. Do you have to at least accept the positive cognition for it to work, or does it just gradually start to feel less wrong and then after a while start to feel somewhat true?

Sorry, as usual I feel like I am not making any sense.

 

[Domo]

I guess what I am wondering is if anyone actually believes that they are okay the way they are or if everyone really feels the way I do.

I can only answer this part, Murray.

Yes people who like/love themselves actually exist :lol: I think because it seems so impossible for us to understand, we can't imagine how anyone could.

Sounds like your therapist does some interesting things with you.

 

[Murray]

Yeah, Domo we do some interesting things in therapy.

 

[Daniel E.]

Do you have to at least accept the positive cognition for it to work, or does it just gradually start to feel less wrong and then after a while start to feel somewhat true?

It seems more of the former than the latter is true:

“Joanne Wood from the University of Waterloo found that people with low self-esteem who repeated ‘I’m a lovable person’ to themselves felt worse than people who did neither.”

Yong points out, “The effect may be counter-intuitive, but the theory behind it is very straightforward. Everyone has a range of ideas they are prepared to accept.

“Messages that lie within this boundary are more persuasive than those that fall outside it – those meet the greatest resistance and can even lead to people holding onto their original position more strongly.

“If a person with low self-esteem says something that’s positive about themselves but is well beyond what they’ll actually believe, their immediate reaction is to dismiss the claim and draw even further into their own self-loathing convictions.”

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/positive...hinking-but-be-careful-with-affirmations.html

 

[Murray]

Thanks Daniel,

It doesn't make any sense but I do agree with the statement:

“If a person with low self-esteem says something that’s positive about themselves but is well beyond what they’ll actually believe, their immediate reaction is to dismiss the claim and draw even further into their own self-loathing convictions.”

I find that I feel wrong and even sort of guilty for daring to even try to think that I am okay. It makes me feel worse, almost like not only am I not okay the way I am, but that in telling myself that I am okay I am deluded and stupid and even arrogant. It is hard to explain, but as soon as I tried to think I am okay, I just felt horrible. Thinking that I am sort of okay seemed at least somewhat attainable.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hey funny i always say im okay im fine but my mind knows either wise. You could bring up this point with your therapist and say that it is just not sitting well with you in your mind that you are okay. I can see accepting i guess that you are sort of okay of where you are because then that is a starting point. Very interesting approaches in therapy I am sure your therapist has a plan on where she is going with this. Be open with her and tell her your thoughts and feelings okay so she can see where you are at with it. take care Murray

 

[Banned]

I guess what I am wondering is if anyone actually believes that they are okay the way they are or if everyone really feels the way I do.

Hi Murray,

I used to think the way you do, but I'm slowly moving past that. I'm starting to think I'm kind of a cool person, but I have days of doubts and days I hate myself. Some days I feel guilty for thinking I might be a kind of neat person.

Is this maybe the goal of my therapy and getting over my depression, anxiety, body dismorphic, etc, etc- to believe that I am okay the way I am?

It might be...I suspect you may have several goals, this being one of them. Have you discussed goals with your therapist?

It just sounds so wrong to even consider the possibility.

Wrong? Or drastically uncomfortable, because it's so different from how you've viewed yourself in the past? Moving out of that comfort zone can be disconcerting for sure.

Do you have to at least accept the positive cognition for it to work, or does it just gradually start to feel less wrong and then after a while start to feel somewhat true?

What I was told was that initially, it was enough that I was looking at it. I didn't have to believe it. I've found that with time, and work, it does gradually start to take hold. You do start to believe it. For me it wasn't / hasn't been a eureka moment...just sometimes, when I think about it, I notice a slight shift in my thoughts. I've never done EMDR, only CBT, and I'm really green with it, but it seems to work for me. I don't think that dwelling on thoughts - positive or negative, is beneficial because it's easy to become consumed by them. I think acknowledging a thought, and then working with it and moving on might be a better strategy most of the time.

Sorry, as usual I feel like I am not making any sense.

Actually, you're making perfect sense.

 

[Murray]

Thanks for the response Turtle.

I used to think the way you do, but I'm slowly moving past that. I'm starting to think I'm kind of a cool person, but I have days of doubts and days I hate myself. Some days I feel guilty for thinking I might be a kind of neat person.

I am so glad that you are starting to feel that you are a cool person, that is wonderful. I can relate to the guilt. Whenever I start to feel like I am even the least bit acceptable, I feel guilty. This often results in me having to remind myself of my many, many faults and starts a whole downward spiral. Probably a bit of my OCD thinking there?

We haven't really discussed goals too much in my therapy at least not for a while. Maybe I should bring the subject up sometime.

Wrong? Or drastically uncomfortable, because it's so different from how you've viewed yourself in the past? Moving out of that comfort zone can be disconcerting for sure.

You gave me a lot to think about. I have to keep working on this. My therapist asked me if I wanted to believe that I am worthless and I said no I don't want to believe it, it just feels right and true. I told him that I do want to believe something different (maybe that I am sort of okay) because I am so sick of feeling this way, it is miserable. I guess maybe what I feel as "wrong" is just discomfort because I am venturing out of my comfort zone.

Anyway, thanks so much. It is getting late and my brain is getting a bit muddled, so I am pretty sure that this time I really am not making any sense. BTW thanks for telling me I made sense in my previous post. I know that I am often pretty unclear, so thanks.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I think it's like taking little baby steps. I think saying you're "sort of ok" is ok to start out with. I think you will gradually come to realize that you really are a good and very ok person, but it will take some time. If that makes any sense.

 

[Murray]

Yeah, I guess it takes time. I just feel like it will never seem true for me to think that I am "okay". I guess I have just spent so many years feeling defective and inadequate that it is hard to imagine feeling differently. That's why I was wondering if it is just normal to feel this way- if everyone really feels this way.

 

[forgetmenot]

i think we feel inadequate and defective because that is what we were led to believe. It is hard so hard to let go of the words that were taught to us so long ago It will take time to undue the harm done but it can be done with patience and help from a therapist who knows how to Take care Murray

 

[Mustang]

Thanks for that post Daniel, it is to me, more of a reality than to say positive affirmations to myself. Just my experience.