Strong voice

[Ashley-Kate]

hello again,

quite pathetic aren't i! well here is the thing i went on vacation to my dad's and well as they have 2 young children the fact of the matter is that i have no supervision and i I know that sounds pathetic i am 19 and i need to be supervised well at least for meals and well i am free they are there we have family meals but i just sit eat my own little cooked up meal (i won't say what or how much but we can imagine that if an anorexic has control or more like the thoughts have control it is not really what qualifies as a meal) i know i am not doing the right thing but i feel that my fears of weight gain and losing control are so high that i can't keep myself on track i know i could do better and i have before but i feel weird this time around this relapse feels different than the others as though i am sick of fighting the thoughts so i am letting them go as irrational as they are and it scares me but yet comforts me as well what to do ???

yours truly ashley

 

[Into The Light]

how long are you on vacation for? is your dad aware of you needing a bit of guidance and support with regard to eating?

 

[Ashley-Kate]

he knows i have an eating disorder but he also has 2 children to take care of and i can't interfere and it is as if the need to lose the weight is stopping me from saying anything like they are all happy cause i am eating but really i am not doing any better before i struggled mostly with bulimia and when i was in a restriction phase i would just not eat and then start back again now they see me eating they think i am doing good but i feel so out of control cause i am worst i am counting everything looking at everything my rituals with eating started again and i don't know how to stop it
yours truly ashley
i am going home in 2 days

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Do you find that it's worse when you are at your father's house?

 

[Ashley-Kate]

not that it is worse but that i have more chances to do bad

it could be worse i don't know if you understand but it is like that at my moms i have to eat cause if i don't well then people notice they don't say anything they don't force me to eat or anything but they worry so i sort of fall into a semi bulimic phase but i do eat a lot more and keep some of what i eat

here it feels different cause firstly i am not really used to eating every day and i can because well i calculate everything and to me it's okay but i know i should be taking more and stuff and not just veggies

the thing is at my dad's my anorexia is really strong i can't fight the need to cut down my food to control things to **************** to exercise and stuff because i am free i have no friends here i have no one except my father and his family so my friends from down home are not around to complain about how i am ! i just feel that here i am free to be anorexic i know I shouldn't but it is hard to step away from the temptation how do you just stop it when it is so strong i can't say will power cause i have none at the moment all i do is obey my fear of weight gain !

yours truly ashley

 

[Halo]

Ashley,

It sounds like you are pretty isolated with no friends or support at your dad's house and it is probably a good thing that you are only staying for another 2 days and then returning home. At least when you return home you will have the support of your family as well as your friends.

Just remember that we are here to support you as best we can :grouphug:

 

[Ashley-Kate]

yeahbut the thing is in 2 days i go home but end of january i am comming back to live here for a little bit for school and stuff but the better part of that is that i will probably be able to make friends and also have a job to keep busy ad stuff and i will be starting a eating disorder progrm as well i am just scared that my motivation to beeting this is leaving as the thoughts grow stronger and the results start increasing in the fact that i am nto doing good and i feel somewhat addicted to this disorder as if at least with it i have something to show for myself and if i don't have it if i stop it then i lose this acheivment and drop down to a failure yet again
sounds pathetic
ashley

 

[Halo]

I don't think that it sounds pathetic at all. It does sound like you are scared at the thought of moving to your fathers permanently though. I can understand that if it is anything like what you are experiencing now. The only thing that I can think of is that you said when you do move back that you will be starting school, getting a job and starting an eating disorder program all of which will help you...especially the eating disorder program. I truly think that you need to hang on as best you can during the next 2 days and until you can get into this program.

I would also suggest that you try not to look too far into the future and concentrate on one day at a time. Do what you can for today and the rest will fall into place.

As long as you try your best each and everyday then you can't be a failure. Some days are better than others but as long as you try....you can't fail.

Take care
:hug:

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Do you have a therapist back at your mom's place, Ashley? If so, this might be something for you and the therapist to talk about before you return to your dad's place.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

yeah i have a therapist and all she keeps teling me is that i can't get any help were ii live with my mom cause no one really knows what an e-d is there well at least not the dr cause i live in a smal city ! i know that it is a good idea to get in a program but i am afraid that with me feeling so obsessed over this hole losing weight i have a hard time thinking that i am going to go into a program were they are going to make me eat ! i am scared ! and all i can think about is well before i get in the program i want to make sure i am really anorewic not just not eating but the hole thing the skinny and all the other criterias cause then i will feel like i need the help as now i feel that there is so many peoplea lot worst than me and i would be taking up a place in a treatment program
yours trully
ashley

 

[Cat Dancer]

all i can think about is well before i get in the program i want to make sure i am really anorewic not just not eating but the hole thing the skinny and all the other criterias cause then i will feel like i need the help as now i feel that there is so many peoplea lot worst than me and i would be taking up a place in a treatment program

I'm considering hospitalization and I feel the same way. I think I'm not sick enough or thin enough or whatever enough to get help, but the fact is we're being controlled by a disease that at the moment is greater than we are. It's a battle we can win though by getting help, therapy, hospitalization, perhaps an outpatient program, whatever type of treatment you're considering.

You deserve to get well and you are sick enough to get help. It's scary I know, but we can beat these voices that tell us we're ok, we're not sick enough, we don't deserve help, and so on and so forth. So many voices, so many different things to listen to. We can make this choice to get treatment and make the choice to get well. It's a decision we CAN make and stick to even though it is so hard. Today I'm making the choice to get well. I'm not going to try to make the choice or try to get well. I have to make a firm decision that I am going to get well and believe there is hope for me. And I believe there is hope for you too.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

thank you for that message it was very kind and wise to hear especially from someone that is in the same situation ! i am hoping to gain the courage to fight this but my fear at the moment seems to be over powering me
today i went and got forms form the hospital that i will be doing the program in and it motivated me just a bit cause the people that were there seemed very kind
thanks again
ashley

 

[Halo]

Janet and Ashley, I think you both are very courageous in your efforts to fight and get well.

I want to give you lots of hugs and remember that you are both in my thoughts :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Cat Dancer]

Ashley, that's very encouraging that the people seemed kind. They want to help you. I wish you the best.

Halo, thanks for the thoughts and hugs. That means a lot.