Struggling and Confused

[angelikah]

I'm kinda worried about myself and my safety. I hope that doesn't sound too weird. I'm afraid to tell my therapist what's going on because I'm afraid she'll freak out and over-react. I know my psychiatrist well enough to know that she won't if I tell her cuz I've worked with her for 6+ years. Then again, when I told my therapist I self-injured she didn't freak out. I'm really not sure what I should do.

I've thought about hospitalization but I don't think I need that, at least not right now. I know I'm not stable though. I'm struggling a lot with attachment issues, mood fluctuations, self-injury, suicidal ideation, abandonment issues and feeling impulsive. I'm really messed up right now.

I've thought about talking to my psychiatrist on Wednesday (this week) about getting put on mood stabilizers to help avoid me needing to be hospitalized but then again I believe I should be able to manage these symptoms on my own without the help of medication. I have a lot of resilience.

I felt like emailing my therapist a suicide note as a way of asking for help but I know that it's not the most mature way to ask for help. It would be more mature and responsible to tell her directly that I'm struggling and that I need help when I meet with her this week.

I feel so tormented, frustrated, confused and alone. Can someone plz give me some guidance as to what I should do? What would you do if you were me?

 

[Jazzey]

I think that telling your psychiatrist and your therapist that you're struggling is a good plan Angelikah. Sometimes, we need to ask for that help and it's ok to do so. :2thumbs:

 

[Mari]

I've thought about talking to my psychiatrist on Wednesday

Definitely, and that is less then two days from now! What time is your appointment on Wednesday? Please keep yourself safe until Wednesday and talk with them about how you are feeling. You are not alone, we are here, listening and caring. :support: Mari

 

[Into The Light]

yes, speak to both your psychiatrist and your therapist. your therapist won't freak out, she should handle it in a professional manner.

 

[Fiver]

Yup, your psychiatrist and therapist are definitely the ones with the right tools to help you sort things out.

 

[angelikah]

My appt. with my psychiatrist is at 11:40 am. I have the appt. with my therapist on Thursday at 2 pm. Friday an appt. with my CMHW. I'm not looking forward to the one on Friday. Every meeting with my CMHW is like a countdown to doomsday (she's resigning next week). :hair: It's driving me insane. I can't wait til it's over. I might actually regain my sanity once it is.

I had an idea to write a note to my therapist saying how I'm feeling and what's on my mind. When I'm struggling it's easier than verbal communication. I'm trying to brainstorm what DBT skills would be the most helpful for me to get through this crisis. I'm trying so hard to hang on to life and not give up. I just need to get through today and tomorrow I meet with my psychiatrist. I am looking forward to that appt with her soooo much.

Thanks for being here and for listening to me everyone. I really don't think I could make it through this difficult time without you. It's like this forum is my lifeline.

 

[forgetmenot]

I think writing out what you want to say is a good idea as nothing will be missed that way. You are strong you will get through this.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I've thought about talking to my psychiatrist on Wednesday (this week) about getting put on mood stabilizers to help avoid me needing to be hospitalized but then again I believe I should be able to manage these symptoms on my own without the help of medication. I have a lot of resilience.

It has nothing to do with resilience. Substitute the name of any physical condition (e.g., diabetes) in the paragraph above and read it aloud. Do you see how irrational it sounds?

 

[Always Changing]

I agree with the others here, telling your pdoc and your therapist what is going on is the best thing to do right now.

I had an idea to write a note to my therapist saying how I'm feeling and what's on my mind. When I'm struggling it's easier than verbal communication.

I have used this way of communication and it did work very well to get across exactly where I was, I think you could go with this idea.

I hope you feel better soon. :hug:

 

[angelikah]

I met with my t and my cmhw today. Both of them went well but I felt really ashamed and embarrassed in the meeting with my t. My self-judgments were kicking in big time during therapy.

---------- Post added September 9th, 2009 at 02:36 AM ---------- Previous post was September 8th, 2009 at 09:43 PM ----------

I don't know if this is typical for adults but maybe adults don't do this together usually.
When I met with my CMHW sometimes we put puzzles together and did coloring pages together. Those two things are what I'm going to miss most, not us working on goals together.
I'm gonna miss my CMHW too. I feel sad for what's to come. I know I'll be okay. I'll just miss her a lot. I'll miss spending time with her. I meet with her again this week and then again twice next week and then after that she's gone :sob: :sob:

---------- Post added at 09:30 AM ---------- Previous post was at 02:36 AM ----------

I'm starting to feel better. It feels good. I feel calm & rational. My head feels clear and I don't feel impulsive. I'm not having mood swings. I feel like I'm a lot more in control of my feelings and especially my behavior.

I made a promise to my therapist yesterday that I would chill out when I feel really angry and not make threats. I'm gonna need help from her with that. I've never learned how to deal with frustration and anger with someone without threatening them. I've never had non-violence modeled to me as a kid and I haven't been taught as an adult. Growing up when my mom was frustrated or angry with my sister my mom either slapped my sister or threatened her.

I'm feeling frustrated with something my CMHW's boss did. I was talking on the phone with her boss about continuing to get services and her boss said "I would never tell you that you can't receive services but next time take time to think before you decide". It sounded like she was telling me what to do which irritates me. So instead of ripping into her boss I called my CMHW up and left a message asking her to call me for help on how to do deal with it. (sigh) change is hard work and requires a lot of patience and self-control in this situation.

I don't understand this but I feel like crying because of feeling so irritated. It doesn't make a lot of sense to feel like crying. It would make more sense for me to feel angry and want to lash out or lash out at the person. Does feeling like crying make sense to anyone or am I just weird?

 

[white page]

Hi Angelikah,
I am glad to know you are feeling better now.
Maybe you could work with your therapist on identifying your emotions, for instance working on channeling your frustrated feelings into other emotions rather than anger, feeling frustration can be turned into something positive if we learn to identify why we feel frustrated, then we can communicate our frustration in constructive ways, and work on the issues which have led to the frustration

 

[angelikah]

Thank you.

Actually, I've already started working on it kind of. I made the decision yesterday to stop acting on my anger and texted my therapist about it yesterday. I felt frustrated with someone today and instead of verbally attacking the person I texted my therapist after I hung up the phone and asked her for help in how to deal with the situation. I'll be talking more about managing intense emotions tomorrow when I meet with my t.

 

[white page]

:2thumbs: That's great to hear Angelikah

 

[angelikah]

:2thumbs: That's great to hear Angelikah

Thanks

 

[Eye Stigmata]

Sorry to hear you are not in a good place right now...
But I do think that by not being on mood stabilizers, you are allowing your mind to totally control you and your feelings. It's tricky, because when we have a chemical imbalance, we believe when we are 'messed up' we should be able to fix it on our own, but if we were physically able to fix it ourselves...wouldn't we? I really think that honesty is the best policy...and while I myself have in the past had trouble being 100% open with my therpaist I do know that once you are, you will feel so much better. I used to worry that my therapist would lose respect for me or not like me if I told her what was really going on. But here's the thing - your therapist is not there to judge you or poke fun at you. Your therapist is there to help you!
I know it's hard to tell someone that your suicidal, I used to try and bring it up in the weirdest ways, because I didn't really want to tell her, but I wanted her to know...
I stronly encourage you to be honest, the truth about secrets is that it can feel so good once you set them free. But you've got to do what you feel comfortable doing, I do think that because your not on any medication, you've developed a really negative way of thinking, and it's spinning you towards and draining you out.

Try, try and try some more! Your in control of your life deep down, remember that!
Hope you can find comfort somewhere, somehow.

 

[angelikah]

Sorry to hear you are not in a good place right now...
But I do think that by not being on mood stabilizers, you are allowing your mind to totally control you and your feelings. It's tricky, because when we have a chemical imbalance, we believe when we are 'messed up' we should be able to fix it on our own, but if we were physically able to fix it ourselves...wouldn't we? I really think that honesty is the best policy...and while I myself have in the past had trouble being 100% open with my therpaist I do know that once you are, you will feel so much better. I used to worry that my therapist would lose respect for me or not like me if I told her what was really going on. But here's the thing - your therapist is not there to judge you or poke fun at you. Your therapist is there to help you!
I know it's hard to tell someone that your suicidal, I used to try and bring it up in the weirdest ways, because I didn't really want to tell her, but I wanted her to know...
I stronly encourage you to be honest, the truth about secrets is that it can feel so good once you set them free. But you've got to do what you feel comfortable doing, I do think that because your not on any medication, you've developed a really negative way of thinking, and it's spinning you towards and draining you out.

Try, try and try some more! Your in control of your life deep down, remember that!
Hope you can find comfort somewhere, somehow.

Thank you.

I actually am on mood stabilizers. My anti-seizure medication is also a mood stabilizer. I thought it wasn't working so I talked to my psychiatrist about it and she said the one I'm on is the best one out there. I did recently have an increase in my anti-depressant but I haven't been on the increase long enough for it to work at that level. My psychiatrist told me to give the anti-depressant more time. She also said that I'm going through the grieving process. I know I'm having a BPD flare-up. I have all the symptoms of it, or at least enough to meet the dx.

Thank you for hoping I can find comfort. I don't see it happening though. The one person who can truly comfort me is leaving. Based on that I don't see much comfort now and in my future, just a lot of pain that will need to be worked through in therapy.