Struggling with detachment

[y-bloc]

This is my first post, and I'm not really sure what to say. I keep starting threads, then scrapping them, then starting them again. I decide to write something short and concise then I write something long and convoluted, re-read it, decide that it sounds stupid and ditch it.

I've had a loopy life. I am a survivor of childhood sexual and emotional abuse (no repressed memories), I left home at 13, got back into school time and time again only to get kicked out or leave each one. I even ditched the same art academy twice! I moved around the country, living in collectives, engaging in whatever 'risky behavior' that was available, then left the country all-together. I'm a tame lass now-days, by comparison.

I don't do drugs anymore (unless you count light smoking and an 8 cup-a-day coffee habit), I'm a recovering alcoholic, my liberty spikes and piercings are long gone... I still struggle with a lot of issues. I have a serious anger management deficit, spend a lot of time trying to hide feelings of emptiness and purposelessness, struggle to keep myself organized even to the minimum, and have a lot of impulsive character attributes...but I have a good life. A great life.

I'm just trying to make it better and I'm not sure where to go from here. I have always dealt with my internal life on my own. But I sometimes feel like I practice active denial disguised as acceptance, and I can't seem to shake the habit or find a way past it. I'm not even sure how to actively engage in my own feelings, for as much as I am aware of them I usually feel utterly detached from them. I guess I should have formulated this as a question.

How have people stepped past the feelings of detachment and moved on? I would love to hear from people struggling with similar issues. (is this a weird introduction?) Thanks.

 

[NicNak]

Re: First post; struggling with detachment

No one around these parts is going to think anything you say is stupid, so there is no worries there. Just say what you think or feel. The folks here don't judge, that I have ever seen.

I am having one of my confused days, sorry I can't be of more assistance right now but wanted to say to not think things are supid cause we are all in this together

 

[Sparrow]

Hello y-bloc,
Your post didn't sound weird to me. To me it cut to the chase.

spend a lot of time trying to hide feelings of emptiness and purposelessness, struggle to keep myself organized even to the minimum, and have a lot of impulsive character attributes...but I have a good life. A great life. I'm just trying to make it better and I'm not sure where to go from here. I have always dealt with my internal life on my own. But I sometimes feel like I practice active denial disguised as acceptance, and I can't seem to shake the habit or find a way past it. I'm not even sure how to actively engage in my own feelings, for as much as I am aware of them I usually feel utterly detached from them.

In addition to what I underlined, your introduction part about using "cheerfulness and humour" ties into that I think, but that's just my opinion. You see, I am usually also a cheerful and humourous kind of person.

How have people stepped past the feelings of detachment and moved on?

There can be many different answers your question, but here is what I do.

In a quiet moment of reflection I look at my actions, thoughts, and feelings and the motives behind them.
Are they sincere or plastic? They may be genuinely good and honest! And if so it's time to move on. But if not, at the end of the day, a plastic smile does not hold very well for me. And if I don't have the... self-honesty? I go see my witchdoctor (sorry.. psychologist), for a reality check (more honesty and guts:hide.
It can be a tricky pickle y-bloc, lots of horror stories to hear about here or there. But I for one don't wish to become one, don't think you do either.
Oh...did I mention, do not lose your sense of humour?
Hope I helped.

 

[Mashka]

Hi y-bloc;
Many people suffer from feelings of detachment, especially here, and don't worry about feeling "stupid" or abnormal here. Have you seen a psychologist or counselor?

For your question about overcoming detachment, I'm still trying and haven't really come to any progress yet (except for taking the first step in finding a psychologist). I know its very hard to come in touch with feelings that you may have leftover from your past, but it will happen, in slow amounts. I wish you all the best,

 

[forgetmenot]

hi y-block:

Have you ever got any help with detachment problems? Sometimes talking it out with a professional they can make us see things clearer.

Take care and don't be afraid to post your feelings. People here are very helpful.

mary

 

[y-bloc]

I know it's been ages since I wrote the original post, but my husband and I had a bunch of art shows and I got very side tracked by them for a few months.

Responding to Mashka and Mary, no, I have not gone to a therapist of psychologist. I have a strange history with psychologists, therapists.

When I was a kid, between 11 and 13, my father got the brilliant idea that I was the 'crazy' one in the family and started sending me to shrinks. They were all overbearing and intimidating and frightened me. I was given seemingly endless tests filled with hundreds of banal repetitive questions, shown picture cards, ink blots, and told silly allegorical stories that didn't seem to pertain to my situation in any way. Later, when I was 14, I lived with my mother for a short time. She, too, sent me to a psychiatrist. On my first visit he was nervous, his hands shook, he forgot his tape recorder and tried to write down every word I said onto loose scribbled on sheets of legal paper, on the second visit he kept looking out the window over my shoulder, stacking and re stacking heaps of notes, pacing the floor...on the third visit my mother and I were informed that his whereabouts were unknown. Future appointments were canceled, and that was that.

Looking for one now, I wouldn't know where to start. Do I want to deal with symptoms or their origins? What sort of professional deals with everything from early trauma to anger management, disorganized life style, and substance recovery? What happens anyway, if I open the whole can of worms at once? What if they all escape, and I'm left with nothing but an empty can? Maybe my self-control is the only thing holding me together and I'll fall into a heap of crumbs if I let go. Or maybe, when all of the haunts and fears and entanglements are peeled away layer by layer, there will be nothing but a little helpless shy waif where there was once a tough onion.

In other words, I'm a big chicken. I do think about it though. I've considered it often over the years. My husband and I are moving to New Zealand this summer, and plan to visit couple therapy when we get there. Maybe the experience will give me some insights or leads on how find the right therapist.

 

[Budoaiki]

"Do I want to deal with symptoms or their origins?"

In my experience that is very important, by learning to understand where they come from originally you can be aware of why those thoughts and feelings are coming back and begin to understand what triggers those memories, feelings and/or thoughts. It is very intimidating telling your thoughts, feelings and memories to a therapist and it is hard but I think that if it will help you live a better life it's worth the effort.

 

[Halo]

When I was a kid, between 11 and 13, my father got the brilliant idea that I was the 'crazy' one in the family and started sending me to shrinks. They were all overbearing and intimidating and frightened me. I was given seemingly endless tests filled with hundreds of banal repetitive questions, shown picture cards, ink blots, and told silly allegorical stories that didn't seem to pertain to my situation in any way. Later, when I was 14, I lived with my mother for a short time. She, too, sent me to a psychiatrist. On my first visit he was nervous, his hands shook, he forgot his tape recorder and tried to write down every word I said onto loose scribbled on sheets of legal paper, on the second visit he kept looking out the window over my shoulder, stacking and re stacking heaps of notes, pacing the floor...on the third visit my mother and I were informed that his whereabouts were unknown. Future appointments were canceled, and that was that.

Reading this I couldn't help but think of some of my past therapists and how intimidating they were and how I felt small and insignificant however I was just a child and at that point anyone in the state of authority was intimidating and scary to me.

Anyway, please don't judge therapists, counsellors, psychologists etc. based on your experiences from childhood. There have been a lot of progress made in the development of psychology/psychiatry and you are also an adult now and have a say in what happens. Again, please do not categorize all shrinks, therapists or counsellors the same as trust me....they are all very, very different.

Looking for one now, I wouldn't know where to start. Do I want to deal with symptoms or their origins? What sort of professional deals with everything from early trauma to anger management, disorganized life style, and substance recovery? What happens anyway, if I open the whole can of worms at once? What if they all escape, and I'm left with nothing but an empty can? Maybe my self-control is the only thing holding me together and I'll fall into a heap of crumbs if I let go. Or maybe, when all of the haunts and fears and entanglements are peeled away layer by layer, there will be nothing but a little helpless shy waif where there was once a tough onion.

As for where to start, a great thread called How to Find the Best Therapist for You would be a good place. As for the kind of therapist you want, this thread called Types of Mental Health Professionals is a good read as well. I have to say that there are definitely professionals out there that deal with all kinds of issues and not just specific ones...sometimes (or most times in my case) issues overlap and therefore a therapist needs to be able to deal with more than one thing and if that specific therapist is unable then the professional, ethical thing to do would be to refer you out to someone more trained in any one area...but I don't think that that is the case here.

I know that thinking about talking about your life, your fears, hopes, dreams etc. can be extremely scary, it is so worth it. I know you are filled with "what ifs" right now but if and when you find the right therapist together you can decide how fast or how slow you want to proceed and what you want to work on. Therapy is about you and what is right for you.

Another couple of good threads to read are:

Psychotherapy an Overview of the Types of Therapy

What to Ask When Looking for Counseling or Therapy

I have also taken the liberty of finding the website for the New Zealand Mental Health Commission which you might find useful as well.

In other words, I'm a big chicken. I do think about it though. I've considered it often over the years. My husband and I are moving to New Zealand this summer, and plan to visit couple therapy when we get there. Maybe the experience will give me some insights or leads on how find the right therapist.

I don't think that you are a big chicken at all. I do think that you have reservations and hesitations but that is to be expected. I honestly believe that a therapist would be a great idea.

Take care and continue to post here as this is a great place for support as well.

 

[y-bloc]

Hey Halo, thanks for the post and the information in it. You are right. I was pretty much terrified by anyone possessing authority then, and I was in the position of being subject to rather than seeking help. Add to it that I played no active role in choosing my therapists, and it becomes poor ground on which to make any judgments and generalizations. Thanks for including so many links in your post. It looks like I have an interesting read ahead of me!

 

[Halo]

Your welcome y-bloc and I am glad that I was able to help

Yes there is a lot to read and even more in the Therapy & Therapists forum.

Happy reading :2thumbs:

Take care