Suicide thoughts, breaking up and third party situation

[ThatKind]

I need someone to share my story with, and psychiatrists are something I can’t afford right now.

My whole problem begins with a breakup, but please don’t judge me. I know it is an everyday thing and that I have to be stronger, but:

May 2019. I have had a boyfriend for four years. He was my best best friend. We had fun all the time, laughing, loving, everything was so easy. We didn’t have to force anything. Everyone around us was saying that they wanted a relationship like ours.

We had a long-distance relationship. An hour’s plane rides away, but we were seeing each other quite frequently and communicating all the time.

I was doing my med studies. He was studying economics there, so it was good so that we could focus on our education. Our plan was, after I finish med school, to come where he is and do my surgery specialization there. That was supposed to happen in January 2020.

Then, out of nowhere, he said that he wanted a break. I didn’t agree because I don’t believe in breaks and he broke up with me.

We were planning our summer vacation two days before, and just like that, he decided he wanted to break up. The reason he said was that the distance was too much. We had only six months left until I come there.

One week before that, he went out with friends that were visiting the town where he was, and there was this girl he then met for the first time. A month after we broke up, they started seeing each other. They went on weekends together (that fast). They were buying gifts for each other. They even went public.

I had my doubts since the beginning, but he was always denying them and lying. Then he confessed to me and said she was only sex (yes, we were communicating the whole time, mainly because we missed our friendship).

Six months later, she told him she wanted a relationship. He said to her that he couldn’t let me go and that he wants to try again with me, that he never saw her as something more serious. Now we are on a track to get together again and I am in a town 40minutes away from him (as our plan was).

After we broke up, I was devastated. I never ever expected something like that from him. He was always taking care of me. I felt like I lost the person I was closest too, and the person who cared about me the most. I had suicidal thoughts. I stopped hanging out with people. This goes deeper because my father was an alcoholic and physically abusive but died out of lung cancer.

I grow up learning how to take care of myself, and I was quite an individualistic person until I met him. Until he became my best friend and lover and I was like hey, relationships can work. Someone can take care of me. I never expected anything like this from him. Never, ever.

So I had a depression episode. I took antidepressants, but for two months only because they took away my concentration and focus.

He showed me their last conversation, where he says to her that he chooses me, and she says, ‘Oh give it a month with her, and you will see that we are soulmates, ours was love at first sight.’

I know I shouldn’t have, but I have read their conversations. And the times when he would contact me during our breakup, were either the times when they were fighting or the times when she said she wanted to become more serious. But they were fighting all the time, with bad words and everything that we never ever did. We were always communicating.

She even said that she will move for him in another country (because she lives where I live, so it is still long distance)

He said that he never considered her as serious until 10 days ago. He said that he remembered the time with her, and he doesn’t feel good. I don’t know what that meant because he got angry and pulled away. He said that he wants to end up with me, that we will work things out (we are not together, we are trying to work things out), and that he sees future with me, not with her, but that he has some internal issues he has to work on and want to :break up: again. Only to find out he was communicating with her and now still is, after our final break up. When I asked him, he said no I don’t communicate with her. But he was lying.

I don’t get it, their last conversation was brutal, he told her he chooses me and wants to leave her and she was so brutal with words, and now they are together again.

I feel like I am not good enough. Like he saw for the second time what am I VS what she is and decided she is better in so many way. Even when I was 40minutes away from him and she was 1000km away. Me and her don’t have one thing in common, which makes me feel like he has wanted someone like her this whole time. Like he now realised he was with the wrong person this whole time (me). I feel so not worth it, I feel like she is better then me in everything, I became obsessed with her. She is prettier. She is more interesting. She is four years older than both of us. She always has make-up on, her character is flirty and somewhat manipulative and I know she talks bad things about me because she is so upset that he was mentioning me all the time. She is everything I am not. I see her everywhere I go, I dream of them together… I can’t let this go, it hurts so much. And I am so scared that they will work out, I am so scared – I feel like my soulmate has another soulmate. It hurts so much, because I love him. I don’t feel joy in the things I used to, but I feel joy when I am with him. I feel like I am at home. Only sometimes home is haunted by ghosts.

He called me three days ago to ask how I am and to tell me that he has been crying and misses me and sees me as his wife. But that was it. He is still with her, but I haven’t confronted him about that, I didn’t know how to act when he called.

I don’t recognize myself. I feel like this face is not mine; this hair is not mine, so why take care of it. These toxic thoughts were never something that I had. I was a strong person. I went through a lot in my childhood, and now I am ashamed of myself. I can’t stand myself. He was my best friend, we did everything , literally everything together..

I feel like I only bother people and that I am boring. I have friends that have happy relationships, and I envy them. I feel so guilty about that. I love them, I want them to be happy, but I envy anyone who has a happy relationship now.

I feel like I am not worth it because, after a night of meeting her, he decided she is worth throwing our relationship away. And they also became real close fast. They went on weekends together. They bought each other presents. He even came secretly for a weekend at her town to visit her. Something he has never done for me, and I was always asking for.
I feel like she is everything he wanted, while I was a work in progress, struggling with my depression because of the break up and not being interesting enough. She practices yoga, is slimmer and more elastic than me, funnier, she hasn't been with him through a lot and theirs is new, without the habit or the burden. I feel like such a weight to people..

Please guys, I really need advice and help. I would appreciate it …

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It seems to me this is not about you and not even about her. This is about him not knowing what he wants.

And while he goes back and forth trying to figure out what he wants, he is messing with your emotions and hers. Maybe he enjoys having "two women fighting over him" or maybe not.

But there doesn't seem to be anything that you can do or that she can do. This is his problem and he is the only one who can resolve it.

I know this is easier said than done but my advice to you would be to try to get your own life back. Right now, he is controlling your life, your thoughts, and your feelings. No one can live that way. You have to take back control of your life.

If he decides you are the one he wants to be with, great. If not, at least you will have made a head start on living your own life again and not waiting every second hoping to hear that he has made a decision.

 

[ThatKind]

last night he called me. Confessed that he is communicating with her, and that she is talking **** about me (but he didnt say what he is talking about me).. he says he is not confirming those words because he knows they are not true but still listens to them. Someone who knows me for 5 years gets on the side of the person he knows for 5 months.. Its like my best friend betrayed me. He says that she is not that interesting to him anymore, that they argue every other day, but they keep communicating because he doesnt want to be alone. He says he imagines his future only with me but that's it. The conversation ended that way. He says all this but still chooses her at the end of the day...

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I keep imagining them both happy and laughing and in love . and laughing at me... Whenever I watch a movie or read a book about new love starting or love at first sign and everything that follows, I imagine the two of them. Don't get me wrong, I am a girl with hobbies. I paint, I play the piano, I cycle, I hike, I love reading books, I learn new language right now... but they are in my mind. And all I want is to go to sleep because then my mind is silent. If , of course, I dont dream about them being happy..

 

[ThatKind]

I cant take it anymore. I cant take another day with the thought of them two happy and laughing over me, being intimate and sharing deep personal informations. I dont want to live

 

[David Baxter PhD]

First, you don't know that what you imagine is happening is happening. Second, even if what you imagine is accurate, that is not something you have any control over. And third, ruminating about it is making it worse for you but not affecting them at all.

I suspect the truth is that he is not the man you think he was and never was that man.

Most of us at one time or another have experienced that kind of deception and it is always painful to come to that sort of realization. I'm sorry you are going through this.

But no one is worth ending your life over. He is not the man you thought he was but you still have lots of time to find a partner who is worthy of your love and respect, even if that may not seem likely to you now.

Just take it one day or one hour at a time. In time, it will become a little less overwhelming and painful with each passing day.

 

[Daniel E.]

Also, I like set point theory. External factors like winning the lottery help for a while with conventional notions of happiness but then you are back where you started six months later, more or less. The same is true with aversive events like paralysis.

 

[Daniel E.]

Regarding suicidal thoughts, my favorite author is Firestone:

The Inner Voice that Drives Suicide

And part of the reason I loved this forum when I joined in 2004 was because it helped me realize my suicidal thoughts were not unique but rather common among those with depression, etc. Over the years, when I am triggered, they are less and less real seaming. The problem with being young though there is more impusivity and less experience/habituation with negative affect. So the goal is to buy time. Even if it is just watching a movie.

DBT has a lot of self-help tips with suicidal thoughts including Youtube videos of Marsha Linehan.

 

[Daniel E.]

I keep imagining them both happy and laughing and in love . and laughing at me... Whenever I watch a movie or read a book about new love starting or love at first sign and everything that follows, I imagine the two of them. Don't get me wrong, I am a girl with hobbies. I paint, I play the piano, I cycle, I hike, I love reading books, I learn new language right now... but they are in my mind. And all I want is to go to sleep because then my mind is silent. If , of course, I dont dream about them being happy..

Perhaps your hobbies can give you more of a feeling of belonging during this transition, such as reaching out to others online with the same interest? A previous therapist told me that her work gave her a lot of her sense of belonging, and she was married with children.

There has been growing criticism against the idealized notions of romantic love since many people then tend to put other relationships in the background. In other words, basically all of their eggs in one basket. And many people feel alone in their romantic relationships when things aren't going well. Most people who feel lonely are married: How Loneliness Affects Our Health

In studies with seniors, even some socialization (such as volunteering an hour or week) can mean all the difference. And now some millenials are approaching levels of loneliess similar to widows.

 

[Daniel E.]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201911/after-breakup-putting-yourself-back-together


...Dr. Gillen found that a Sense of Coherence offers an extra factor in healing from a breakup. She found that individuals in her study who had a strong SOC managed their pain in part by looking at some of the ways in which they had grown from the experience. Sometimes they saw the relationship itself as having been a learning experience, and sometimes they saw the breakup as an opportunity for personal growth, and sometimes a little of each.

Being able to see the ways in which you grow after a breakup doesn’t take away the sadness, pain, or feelings of loss. But it can help increase your resilience and make it easier to bounce back from the experience. Some of us have more difficulty looking for these signs of growth than others, and for some of us it takes longer to get there. But if you start looking, you’ll very likely start to see some ways that you have grown in the process. And that growth is going to be part of the self that you move forward with into the rest of your life.