So, it's always been in categories. The earliest one I can remember having was when I had this impulse to kill myself. It started when I was really little, possibly 8, because I heard something on the news about someone that killed themselves. I didn't understand it but for some reason I was fixated on it. It really scared me because death was a scary concept, let alone the idea that you could intentionally bring it upon yourself.
I can remember many nights laying awake in bed, telling myself that I wasn't going to go downstairs and kill myself, but not believing it. I kept obsessing over it and was convinced I was going to. I remember once when I was little, before I went to summer camp, I had a babysitter named Christina. My parents were away and they had given me a Swiss Army Knife for one of my birthdays...I think it was my 9th birthday. Anyway, I had it in my room and was scared I was going to kill myself with it, so I asked Christina to hide it from me. She did, but she was definitely unnerved and had no idea what was going on. I had not been diagnosed and I was trying very hard to hide my anxiety from my family. I was miserable all the time because all I could think about was killing myself. I'd go on a ferris wheel, or ross a street, or step out on a balcony, or cut a sandwich... everything became a way to kill myself, and so everything led to anxiety.
This stage ended but unfortunately gave way to a series of much more frightening ones. I think that the more comfortable I get with this site I'll maybe post the different ones... if no one reads them then at least for my own peace of mind knowing that I've written it down for SOMEONE to read if they wanted to. And not think I was a loony.
I can remember many nights laying awake in bed, telling myself that I wasn't going to go downstairs and kill myself, but not believing it. I kept obsessing over it and was convinced I was going to. I remember once when I was little, before I went to summer camp, I had a babysitter named Christina. My parents were away and they had given me a Swiss Army Knife for one of my birthdays...I think it was my 9th birthday. Anyway, I had it in my room and was scared I was going to kill myself with it, so I asked Christina to hide it from me. She did, but she was definitely unnerved and had no idea what was going on. I had not been diagnosed and I was trying very hard to hide my anxiety from my family. I was miserable all the time because all I could think about was killing myself. I'd go on a ferris wheel, or ross a street, or step out on a balcony, or cut a sandwich... everything became a way to kill myself, and so everything led to anxiety.
This stage ended but unfortunately gave way to a series of much more frightening ones. I think that the more comfortable I get with this site I'll maybe post the different ones... if no one reads them then at least for my own peace of mind knowing that I've written it down for SOMEONE to read if they wanted to. And not think I was a loony.
