amastie
Member
I think the matter of support is not only an important one but one that clearly crosses every possible border, between types of illness, mental or otherwise, and across people everywhere. So universal is this that I hesitate to include my thread under this forum alone, but it is to this forum that I most turn for support I think. As wel, the support that I seek to address is the sort that is aimed particularly for those who dissociate. Every type of mental difficulty will find its own type of support. Love and acceptance are universal, but I have found that I must find support despite my making it very hard for others to accept my behaviour. Harder still is it to love a person who is out of reach to them (who doesn't want to be reached).
We who dissociate are stronger for accepting that others too have their needs, including the need not to be too close to the fire that engulfs us. When I start to feel judging of my family, I try to remember that. (I'm speaking of extended family). I remember how they are kind in their relating to others. Except for a couple who stumble over their own lack of self-confidence and cannot act differently for that reason, they always speak to me respectively and I appreciate that and I look elsewhere for my support.
I would like to bring to those who feel alone with their experience of dissociative disorder (anywhere on the spectrum) the knowledge that none of us are really alone. I would also like us to share how we help ourselves to be less alone. I share what most helps me here:
.....
Always a good fall-back, journalling never ceases to be helpful.
Owning what I can or cannot do is a start to owning myself.
I believe we are more empowered the better we know ourselves. Being defensive about anything keeps us occupied with looking at what other people think or say. Better, if we can, to let go of being defensive, and to acknowlidge it if we can't. Better as well not to judge those who judge - a *very* hard thing, but to do so is to place ourselves in a better position to see things from a broader perspetive. (Disclaimer: I don't easily feel anger which - so I'm told - can be a healthy thing; I've never found it really helpful. None of my family easily expresses anger. It is something we were never supported in feeling. Our parents were themselves too unselfconfident. On the other hand, neither do I feel judging or my parents or myself for *not* being given to express anger in ways that might be healthy - part of "accept what you can't change" philosphy.
Beliefs. My spiritual beliefs support me in everything I do. For someone else, it might be a belief in something that is not spiritual but is in itself comforting.
Saying it. I once read a book, written by a French woman called Marie Cardinale, called "The Words To Say It". What stood out for me was the resonance of the title and the difficulty the author had in finding the right words to put on her experience - an experience different from my own but that didn't matter. The whole point was in finding the right words.
I think it's worthwhile for those who cannot find the right words to find someone to help them do so. Usually, it is a therapist, but it can be a friend or someone who shares your experience. I believe that finding the right words is defining not only of one's experience but of oneself. That is why it is important to find the right words. Never mind that you start with some right words and some you're unsure about. The pursuit of the right words can be a long process, but ulimately it's the pursuit of knowing, and owning, who we are.
"Words" can be expressed in different ways - such as through art or play. While those can be for many people essential in the healing process, I believe that verbalizing it can help even more. (Another disclaimer: I can *only* express myself verbally; I can feel someone inside sayting "No, you don't!" to any suggestion of my letting loose what might flow unconsciously. <oh, well..> )
Pursuing the right words, to me, doesn't mean the same exactly as journalling which I see as stream-of-conscious or dialogue. The two can accomplish the same thing but I don't see the immediate objective as necessarily being the same thing.
Giving in a way that is real.
Unlike the giving that is done out of a pursuit of being "good" or "moral", I mean giving that says that you have something *to* give that is real. For me, it is spending time with elderly people who are alone. Bette Davis was right: "Old age is not for sissies."
Being present when that is possible.
Telling and respectful. Harder then for others to dismiss you as "nuts" completely!
- amastie
We who dissociate are stronger for accepting that others too have their needs, including the need not to be too close to the fire that engulfs us. When I start to feel judging of my family, I try to remember that. (I'm speaking of extended family). I remember how they are kind in their relating to others. Except for a couple who stumble over their own lack of self-confidence and cannot act differently for that reason, they always speak to me respectively and I appreciate that and I look elsewhere for my support.
I would like to bring to those who feel alone with their experience of dissociative disorder (anywhere on the spectrum) the knowledge that none of us are really alone. I would also like us to share how we help ourselves to be less alone. I share what most helps me here:
.....
Always a good fall-back, journalling never ceases to be helpful.
Owning what I can or cannot do is a start to owning myself.
I believe we are more empowered the better we know ourselves. Being defensive about anything keeps us occupied with looking at what other people think or say. Better, if we can, to let go of being defensive, and to acknowlidge it if we can't. Better as well not to judge those who judge - a *very* hard thing, but to do so is to place ourselves in a better position to see things from a broader perspetive. (Disclaimer: I don't easily feel anger which - so I'm told - can be a healthy thing; I've never found it really helpful. None of my family easily expresses anger. It is something we were never supported in feeling. Our parents were themselves too unselfconfident. On the other hand, neither do I feel judging or my parents or myself for *not* being given to express anger in ways that might be healthy - part of "accept what you can't change" philosphy.
Beliefs. My spiritual beliefs support me in everything I do. For someone else, it might be a belief in something that is not spiritual but is in itself comforting.
Saying it. I once read a book, written by a French woman called Marie Cardinale, called "The Words To Say It". What stood out for me was the resonance of the title and the difficulty the author had in finding the right words to put on her experience - an experience different from my own but that didn't matter. The whole point was in finding the right words.
I think it's worthwhile for those who cannot find the right words to find someone to help them do so. Usually, it is a therapist, but it can be a friend or someone who shares your experience. I believe that finding the right words is defining not only of one's experience but of oneself. That is why it is important to find the right words. Never mind that you start with some right words and some you're unsure about. The pursuit of the right words can be a long process, but ulimately it's the pursuit of knowing, and owning, who we are.
"Words" can be expressed in different ways - such as through art or play. While those can be for many people essential in the healing process, I believe that verbalizing it can help even more. (Another disclaimer: I can *only* express myself verbally; I can feel someone inside sayting "No, you don't!" to any suggestion of my letting loose what might flow unconsciously. <oh, well..> )
Pursuing the right words, to me, doesn't mean the same exactly as journalling which I see as stream-of-conscious or dialogue. The two can accomplish the same thing but I don't see the immediate objective as necessarily being the same thing.
Giving in a way that is real.
Unlike the giving that is done out of a pursuit of being "good" or "moral", I mean giving that says that you have something *to* give that is real. For me, it is spending time with elderly people who are alone. Bette Davis was right: "Old age is not for sissies."
Being present when that is possible.
Telling and respectful. Harder then for others to dismiss you as "nuts" completely!
- amastie
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