Teen Boy Concerned about his "size"

[chueh]

Hello,

I am a female piano teacher in my early 40s. I have taught this male teenager piano for about a year. He had always been quiet and well-behaved, yet lack of self-confidence (he can never finish a piece without pausing here and there and often asks me "is it right?" Although it is common to question in themselves about how they do in piano playing, this male teenage is extreme). This past lesson, at the end of the lesson, he said to me with a nervous voice "I want to ask you a question; please don't get mad at me."

I thought that he was going to ask me if he could quit. I just smiled at him and replied "no, I won't get mad at you. Just ask what you would like to ask." However, he repeated ""I want to ask you a question; please don't get mad at me" twice, before he could really get into his question.

He got more nervous and said "Do you think it is small?" I was not sure what he was talking about, but asked him "what do you mean ""it""?" He replied, "IT."

I thought that he meant his hands too small or something, so I told him that anybody with small hands is fine playing the piano. Then, he got very uncomfortable to explain what IT meant. I started getting it (I am slow, but anyway), but I could never relate what's in his mind with such a boy in front of me. Then, he said "down there....between the groins. Although it was a surprise to me that he asked me such a question, I was not showing him any discomfort or surprise. On the contrary, I padded his back and said "Don't think like that!"

Then, he said, "I just want to ask your opinion. Do you feel it is too small?" My first STRAIGHTFORWARD reaction to his question IN MY MIND was that "how would I know, I have not seen it?" However, I stopped myself to speak it out, because a follow-up thought came to my mind. That was: if I said that, he might take off his pants to show it to me. Then, I answered "I have never felt or thought anything else other than piano playing when I am teaching. you are fine, but you just need to practice more piano," while padding his back again.

Well.... I know that it is common that male teenagers have a lot of fantasies and curiosities, yet this was my first time dealing with a boy like that (I don't have children on my own). What should I in the future redirect him, if same thing happens again? To be honest with you, I have felt sorry (not pity kind of sorry, but feel his "bothered" stress) for him. I did not feel upset towards him at all, yet the opposite. He is a boy brought up by a single-mom; there is an issue there already, on top of teenage sexual confidence issue (even for adults, there are concerns too).

Anyway, I just want to see if there are anyways I can help him in the future......

Thanks

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Re: Teen Boy Concerned about his "SIZE"

This is a risky area to enter for any adult other than the boy's parent, as I think you know. Your best bet is to tell him you are his piano teacher and not a good person to ask. Suggest that he ask his family doctor or look for a book on sex education and leave it at that.

 

[Emotional_Disaster]

Arrange with the School Nurse to see him!They would be able to answer quesions like that I think. Also as said above, you could tell the student it is not appropriate to bring up such conversation during Piano practice. Hugs~ Hope your okay!

 

[chooseLife]

I'm afraid telling a kid like this that it was inappropriate might shut him down from ever asking questions that are difficult again. although I do agree that it was very odd for him to be asking you. It makes me wonder if somewhere in his life he is being sexually abused. I might have wanted you to maybe respond something like "although I am not the best person in your life to be answering these kinds of questions it does make me wonder if someone told you something about your "size" or why you are concerned. OR if you don't want to be that direct to at least inform his parents that he is asking questions about "sexuality" that they might want to address.

it's hard for me to imagine that a shy student would ask such a thing of his piano teacher esp since he has only been seeing you a year. It makes me wonder if there has not been some kind of boundary issues between the two of you since it's such a very extraordinarily wrong situation for a this kind of question to be raised esp since you have been so clear that is quiet, shy, lacks selfconfidence etc. It just makes me wonder.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I'm afraid telling a kid like this that it was inappropriate might shut him down from ever asking questions that are difficult again. although I do agree that it was very odd for him to be asking you. It makes me wonder if somewhere in his life he is being sexually abused.

I don't know why that would occur to you. I think this is probably a fairly common question for adolescent males, especially with all the phony spam emails floating around about "male enhancement" concoctions.

I might have wanted you to maybe respond something like "although I am not the best person in your life to be answering these kinds of questions it does make me wonder if someone told you something about your "size" or why you are concerned.

I disagree. This is his piano teacher, not his therapist.

OR if you don't want to be that direct to at least inform his parents that he is asking questions about "sexuality" that they might want to address.

Again, I must disagree. It's an honest question asked of the wrong person. If he were comfortable asking his mother, that would presumably already have happened. And the original post indicates that his father is not present in his life.

it's hard for me to imagine that a shy student would ask such a thing of his piano teacher esp since he has only been seeing you a year. It makes me wonder if there has not been some kind of boundary issues between the two of you since it's such a very extraordinarily wrong situation for a this kind of question to be raised esp since you have been so clear that is quiet, shy, lacks self-confidence etc. It just makes me wonder.

Again, I think you are speculating WAY beyond the evidence here. He asked someone he trusted a question that was on his mind. That's all.

 

[chooseLife]

well I guess you are the expert and I should just shut up then. thanks for making me feel so welcome to post my thoughts.

it's interesting that you must think it's ok for this piano teacher to contact the school nurse for him since you didn't disagree with her vehemently. If this is the way you treat "lay people" for having a thought, then I guess this is not the forum for me.

I went years being practically mute and I promised myself I will never apologize for using my voice ever again. I am also an educated women concerned about signs of child abuse. children asking inappropriate sexual questions of inappropriate people can be a sign of abuse - it was for me and nobody listened. why would you encourage her to ignore these potential signs when he might be reaching out to her. I never suggested she is his therapist - in fact we have no reason to believe he even has one. If he is being abused, his parents are the only ones appropriate for her to approach. She probably has not connection to the school at all but she is responsible to his parents as it's most probably they are paying her bills. Yeah, it might be very difficult for him to speak to his parents - it always is when kids have been or are being abused but his parents are the appropriate people to begin to deal with this. she might be the only one he trusts enough to even venture into this territory with but it's apparently ok for her to tell him that he's being inappropriate since you didn't disagree with the poster who suggested that be the proper response.

I believe you are wrong for not even questioning why he is asking rather you assume it's viagra spam? if it is, it is. but why not find out the truth instead of telling all of us it's safe to assume that he is NOT being abused and attacking me for suggesting the possibility?

so, I am not a professional in the psych field although I am a nurse but you are the only one here allowed to post thoughts?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

well I guess you are the expert and I should just shut up then. thanks for making me feel so welcome to post my thoughts.

Did you consider the likely effect of posting your thoughts on chueh, who posted the original question?

it's interesting that you must think it's ok for this piano teacher to contact the school nurse for him since you didn't disagree with her vehemently.

The piano teacher did not contact the school nurse.

I went years being practically mute and I promised myself I will never apologize for using my voice ever again. I am also an educated women concerned about signs of child abuse. children asking inappropriate sexual questions of inappropriate people can be a sign of abuse - it was for me and nobody listened. why would you encourage her to ignore these potential signs when he might be reaching out to her.

There is absolutely nothing in either the boy's question or in the piano teacher's description of the interaction that would even begin to suggest child abuse. I have no idea where you are getting that. And he is not a young child or asking an inappropriate question. He is a teen asking an appropriate question of an adult he trusts, albeit in an inappropriate context. That seems to me to be consistent with adolescence, not with child abuse.

I never suggested she is his therapist - in fact we have no reason to believe he even has one. If he is being abused, his parents are the only ones appropriate for her to approach.

But there is no evidence to suggest he is being abuse. And approaching his parents about the interaction would be a breach of privacy for the boy.

She probably has not connection to the school at all but she is responsible to his parents as it's most probably they are paying her bills.

Her responsibility is to teach him piano, not to pass judgement on an innocent question.

Yeah, it might be very difficult for him to speak to his parents - it always is when kids have been or are being abused

You have no evidence of abuse.

I believe you are wrong for not even questioning why he is asking rather you assume it's viagra spam? if it is, it is. but why not find out the truth instead of telling all of us it's safe to assume that he is NOT being abused and attacking me for suggesting the possibility?

Would you recommend responding to every question a teenager might have about sex with the question, "Are you being abused?" That seems likely a highly inappropriate strategy to me.

so, I am not a professional in the psych field although I am a nurse but you are the only one here allowed to post thoughts

Hardly. In this thread alone, several others have posted their thoughts, as is the case elsewhere in these forums. However, I do feel it appropriate to intervene when someone posts wild speculations that are likely to be hurtful to other members, or in this case to the boy asking the question.