David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
What teens need to know before their relationship becomes a date with danger
March 10, 2006
The Sacramento Bee, Calif.
For teens inexperienced in the dating world, the intensity of an abusive relationship can be mistaken for love.
One in three teens will experience an abusive relationship, but many cases go unreported, according to a February 2005 study conducted by Northbrook, Ill.,-based Teen Research Unlimited. Abusive relationships often aren't recognized by teens for what they are, some experts say. "The jealousy, controlling and isolation can feel like love," says Karen Loving-Bourland, counseling service manager for Women Escaping a Violent Environment in Sacramento. She warns that it's important for teens to understand that "jealousy has nothing to do with love. It's a sign of insecurity and possessiveness."
Dating violence shows up as physical, emotional or sexual abuse, and many teens are shocked when they realize that the traits of an abusive relationship sound a little too familiar. "I hear them say, 'Oh my God, that's so-and-so,' " says Jimena Vasquez, an attorney from Break the Cycle, a nonprofit organization based in Los Angeles, which works to educate teens about dating and domestic violence. The relationship might be their first one, so they don't have anything to compare it against, Vasquez says.
Although experts warn that dating violence can happen to a person of either gender or any sexual preference, girls and women in heterosexual relationships ages 16 to 24 are most likely to experience dating or domestic abuse, according to the U.S. Department of Justice.
How to spot abuse in teenage relationships
Here are signs to watch for, which experts say indicate that a relationship may become abusive, for those in and outside of it.
What it looks like (if you're in it):
* He wants to spend an excessive amount of time alone with you and he encourages you to flake on your friends, ditch school or skip practice. It can seem like a romantic gesture, but it's not. One partner's insistence on being the sole focus of the other's time and attention is a key warning sign of abuse, as the victim is slowly isolated from family, friends and favorite activities, experts say.
* He scrutinizes every detail of your life, including your friends, your hangouts and even your wardrobe. His controlling attitude means your cell phone is constantly in use, since he's always checking up on you. "In the early stages it gets misread as, 'Well, gosh, they care about me so much, they care about every little thing I'm doing,' " says Linda Hoos, an attorney for Break the Cycle. But it's not a measure of his affection, Hoos says, it's a way to assert his control.
* Even if you've never so much as flirted with another guy since you started dating, he's always accusing you of cheating. He often scrolls through your cell phone, suspicious that you're chatting with other guys. Signs of extreme jealousy often are indicators of an abusive relationship, experts say.
* Your relationship's getting way too serious, way too fast. He claims he can't live without you and threatens to harm himself if you break up with him. He might also pressure you to have sex.
* He has unrealistic expectations about you and your relationship, and he criticizes you or makes you feel guilty if you can't achieve his idea of perfection. Experts say this often causes the victim to assume she's to blame for the faults in the relationship.
* If he has a history of being abusive in relationships, there's an increased chance that he'll abuse you. But what's important to watch for is his attitude about abuse - if he accepts it as a normal part of a relationship, or defends the use of violence by others, it's likely that he hasn't changed.
* Remember, any form of physical abuse isn't normal and shouldn't be tolerated.
What parents and friends should look for:
* She quits a favorite sport, hobby or other activity, and fills her new free time alone with her significant other. She cancels on friends or makes excuses for why she can't go out with them.
* Even in the few moments you can steal her away from her boyfriend, she's constantly checking in with him and panics when she can't. She's extremely nervous about upsetting him.
* She's easily startled and appears to be anxious or on edge at all times. Victims of an abusive relationship often look "like they're living in a battle zone, because essentially they are," says Carl Shubs, a private practice psychologist in Beverly Hills.
* If her boyfriend's erratic behavior is mentioned, she apologizes and makes excuses for him. Victims often rationalize the abuser's behavior, saying things like, "Well, (it) makes sense; if I had been home he wouldn't have gotten mad," says Karen Loving-Bourland, counseling service manager for Women Escaping a Violent Environment in Sacramento.
* Her boyfriend calls her at all hours of the night, and if she doesn't answer, he keeps calling, even at 3 o'clock in the morning.
* Look for any major changes in appearance or personality. If she's wearing different clothes or makeup, has gained or lost a significant amount of weight, or is suddenly introverted, she may be involved in an abusive relationship.
* Of course, look for physical signs of abuse - bruises that the victim may try to cover up with clothes or makeup.
Where to go for help:
* It's important to get a third party involved - especially if you're a friend of someone who's being abused. Experts urge you to go to a parent or a school counselor; don't try to tackle the problem on your own.
* http://SafeNetwork.net lists resources for dealing with dating or domestic violence that are available in California.
* Another Web resource is Break the Cycle, which lists information about teen dating violence. Call (888) 988-TEEN to find out about the organization's free legal services.
* WEAVE has a 24-hour crisis line at (916) 920-2952, which is a support line that can be used for emergencies or for anyone going through dating or domestic abuse.
March 10, 2006
The Sacramento Bee, Calif.
For teens inexperienced in the dating world, the intensity of an abusive relationship can be mistaken for love.
One in three teens will experience an abusive relationship, but many cases go unreported, according to a February 2005 study conducted by Northbrook, Ill.,-based Teen Research Unlimited. Abusive relationships often aren't recognized by teens for what they are, some experts say. "The jealousy, controlling and isolation can feel like love," says Karen Loving-Bourland, counseling service manager for Women Escaping a Violent Environment in Sacramento. She warns that it's important for teens to understand that "jealousy has nothing to do with love. It's a sign of insecurity and possessiveness."
Dating violence shows up as physical, emotional or sexual abuse, and many teens are shocked when they realize that the traits of an abusive relationship sound a little too familiar. "I hear them say, 'Oh my God, that's so-and-so,' " says Jimena Vasquez, an attorney from Break the Cycle, a nonprofit organization based in Los Angeles, which works to educate teens about dating and domestic violence. The relationship might be their first one, so they don't have anything to compare it against, Vasquez says.
Although experts warn that dating violence can happen to a person of either gender or any sexual preference, girls and women in heterosexual relationships ages 16 to 24 are most likely to experience dating or domestic abuse, according to the U.S. Department of Justice.
How to spot abuse in teenage relationships
Here are signs to watch for, which experts say indicate that a relationship may become abusive, for those in and outside of it.
What it looks like (if you're in it):
* He wants to spend an excessive amount of time alone with you and he encourages you to flake on your friends, ditch school or skip practice. It can seem like a romantic gesture, but it's not. One partner's insistence on being the sole focus of the other's time and attention is a key warning sign of abuse, as the victim is slowly isolated from family, friends and favorite activities, experts say.
* He scrutinizes every detail of your life, including your friends, your hangouts and even your wardrobe. His controlling attitude means your cell phone is constantly in use, since he's always checking up on you. "In the early stages it gets misread as, 'Well, gosh, they care about me so much, they care about every little thing I'm doing,' " says Linda Hoos, an attorney for Break the Cycle. But it's not a measure of his affection, Hoos says, it's a way to assert his control.
* Even if you've never so much as flirted with another guy since you started dating, he's always accusing you of cheating. He often scrolls through your cell phone, suspicious that you're chatting with other guys. Signs of extreme jealousy often are indicators of an abusive relationship, experts say.
* Your relationship's getting way too serious, way too fast. He claims he can't live without you and threatens to harm himself if you break up with him. He might also pressure you to have sex.
* He has unrealistic expectations about you and your relationship, and he criticizes you or makes you feel guilty if you can't achieve his idea of perfection. Experts say this often causes the victim to assume she's to blame for the faults in the relationship.
* If he has a history of being abusive in relationships, there's an increased chance that he'll abuse you. But what's important to watch for is his attitude about abuse - if he accepts it as a normal part of a relationship, or defends the use of violence by others, it's likely that he hasn't changed.
* Remember, any form of physical abuse isn't normal and shouldn't be tolerated.
What parents and friends should look for:
* She quits a favorite sport, hobby or other activity, and fills her new free time alone with her significant other. She cancels on friends or makes excuses for why she can't go out with them.
* Even in the few moments you can steal her away from her boyfriend, she's constantly checking in with him and panics when she can't. She's extremely nervous about upsetting him.
* She's easily startled and appears to be anxious or on edge at all times. Victims of an abusive relationship often look "like they're living in a battle zone, because essentially they are," says Carl Shubs, a private practice psychologist in Beverly Hills.
* If her boyfriend's erratic behavior is mentioned, she apologizes and makes excuses for him. Victims often rationalize the abuser's behavior, saying things like, "Well, (it) makes sense; if I had been home he wouldn't have gotten mad," says Karen Loving-Bourland, counseling service manager for Women Escaping a Violent Environment in Sacramento.
* Her boyfriend calls her at all hours of the night, and if she doesn't answer, he keeps calling, even at 3 o'clock in the morning.
* Look for any major changes in appearance or personality. If she's wearing different clothes or makeup, has gained or lost a significant amount of weight, or is suddenly introverted, she may be involved in an abusive relationship.
* Of course, look for physical signs of abuse - bruises that the victim may try to cover up with clothes or makeup.
Where to go for help:
* It's important to get a third party involved - especially if you're a friend of someone who's being abused. Experts urge you to go to a parent or a school counselor; don't try to tackle the problem on your own.
* http://SafeNetwork.net lists resources for dealing with dating or domestic violence that are available in California.
* Another Web resource is Break the Cycle, which lists information about teen dating violence. Call (888) 988-TEEN to find out about the organization's free legal services.
* WEAVE has a 24-hour crisis line at (916) 920-2952, which is a support line that can be used for emergencies or for anyone going through dating or domestic abuse.
