this artical really hits the "nail on the head, I lost my daughter 5 years ago and I was amazed (after wards when I started thinking and feeling ) at the things some people said, they would seek me out on purpose to say stuff that even in my numbed state of emotions I thought was uncalled for or so (excuse the word) stuid that they needed to just go home or just go away . Like "how do you feel" while holding my arm and staring me in the face, when I replied "numb" they acted like I had kicked them or something, the number of people that seemed to be needing "comfort " or validation from me was totally unreal ,,
- Thread starter David Baxter PhD
- Start date
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Member
Thank you this is so very helpful.
When my boyfriend passed away the worst thing that was said to me was "Well, he was mean to you anyway." 
That was just wrong. Otherwise, I know people mean well and it makes people feel awkward to be around someone who has lost someone so sometimes the words just come out without being thought through.
Another thing that is not good is to not say anything at all, act like nothing happened. To me that is just as bad if not worse. I think I would rather get a comment that was not well thought out then to have people dismiss the whole thing all together.
My two cents.
That was just wrong. Otherwise, I know people mean well and it makes people feel awkward to be around someone who has lost someone so sometimes the words just come out without being thought through.
Another thing that is not good is to not say anything at all, act like nothing happened. To me that is just as bad if not worse. I think I would rather get a comment that was not well thought out then to have people dismiss the whole thing all together.
My two cents.
erinatkins
Member
It is a very article. And so true............
I know I was surprised people were offering me meds when my husband died. (Which I didn't take) I think it was ok for me to be upset at my husbands funeral.
I think one of the best things that someone said Is I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better but if you need to talk or need anything call me.
I know how you feel has upset me. If person has husband how can they know what I am dealing with?
I know I was surprised people were offering me meds when my husband died. (Which I didn't take) I think it was ok for me to be upset at my husbands funeral.
I think one of the best things that someone said Is I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better but if you need to talk or need anything call me.
I know how you feel has upset me. If person has husband how can they know what I am dealing with?
My dad died this past Monday evening. I barely remember what anyone said to me but I know how much it meant to see people come to the wake, including high school friends I haven't seen in over twenty years.
I know that many people said, "Your dad was a wonderful man," and that made me feel good...because it is absolutely true and I appreciate that others know this about him. Darned if I can recall who said it, but I know it was said.
When my mom died five years ago and they said, "Your mother was a wonderful woman" it annoyed the hell out of me -- because while this may have been their experience, it was not mine. My mother was a horrible person -- to me. Nevertheless, I smiled, thanked them, and said she was fond of them as well. After all, they were mourners, too, and deserved to hear words of comfort.
I don't know why I'm bringing these points up, other than this week they are uppermost in my thoughts. Really bad timing for Pat the Wondertherapist to be on vacation, too.
I know that many people said, "Your dad was a wonderful man," and that made me feel good...because it is absolutely true and I appreciate that others know this about him. Darned if I can recall who said it, but I know it was said.
When my mom died five years ago and they said, "Your mother was a wonderful woman" it annoyed the hell out of me -- because while this may have been their experience, it was not mine. My mother was a horrible person -- to me. Nevertheless, I smiled, thanked them, and said she was fond of them as well. After all, they were mourners, too, and deserved to hear words of comfort.
I don't know why I'm bringing these points up, other than this week they are uppermost in my thoughts. Really bad timing for Pat the Wondertherapist to be on vacation, too.
Always Changing
MVP
Dear Fiver I am so sorry to hear of your loss :hug:
Thank you.
I think I can see where what someone says -- the words they actually use -- might take on deeper meaning further along the way. The days following the death are such a whirlwind, especially when you are the immediate family and must tend to things that immediate family tends to. Everything is a rush, a haze, a blur...until the evening that the funeral is over and everyone goes home. Things start to become less fuzzy and the mind can actually hear the words that are spoken from that point on.
But in the immediate fog following the news of my dad's death through last night? I just remember that people showed kindness.
I think I can see where what someone says -- the words they actually use -- might take on deeper meaning further along the way. The days following the death are such a whirlwind, especially when you are the immediate family and must tend to things that immediate family tends to. Everything is a rush, a haze, a blur...until the evening that the funeral is over and everyone goes home. Things start to become less fuzzy and the mind can actually hear the words that are spoken from that point on.
But in the immediate fog following the news of my dad's death through last night? I just remember that people showed kindness.
erinatkins
Member
Fiver,
I am also sorry for your loss. If you need to vent I am here.
Erin
I am also sorry for your loss. If you need to vent I am here.
Erin
erinatkins
Member
I know depending on person some things go over better than others. Or maybe it is just me.
victoriatcup
Member
How long have we, as a society, been dealing with the death of loved ones? I find it interesting that for something we deal with all the time and for so very long, we know so little. No one likes it, I suppose, so we don't explore it or educate ourselves regarding this matter. By now, one would think there would be a universal language we all are very aware of - we have certainly had enough time to come up with one, don't you think? "Lumping" the different kinds of losses we experience into one group, to me, is absurd. For the woman who loses her only child, that loss is very different from a sibling who loses a brother one has not spoken to in years - and is very different from a woman who loses her husband - which, if one were to google the most stressful events of life would find "loss of spouse" the single most stressful event in life. Yet, we compare loss of mother with loss of spouse - and there is no comparison. There is only one dynamic in which two human beings are considered "one person" and that is in marriage - Loss should not be compared. Each loss deserves it's own separate set of thoughtful, supporting words to be shown the one grieving - as well as ways in which that loss impacts the person who is most directly affected by it.
The 5 stages of grief is not applicable to the grieving....that was meant to be applied to those who are about to lose their lives....however our society morphed that theory from people about to lose their lives into a means of dealing with the loss of a loved one is beyond me.
We don't "get over it", we don't "heal from it". It is a constant adjusting to adjusting. Depending on the loss, the circumstances surrounding the loss, the dynamics of the families we are left with to support us, our own economical financial status...all these things are so often not considered or even available for those supporting the grieving, there to witness - in order to know how to support or respond.
Love - the easiest thing in the world to do - gentleness, humility, warmth, comfort - why is it so hard for us to just be loving and not full of ourselves, comparing ourselves, needing to be "greater than" in that moment, making it about us instead of the one who suffered the loss...."Oh I know just how you feel, I lost my little brother and........" is of little comfort....there is no comparison of losses. A little humility, a moment of thought before we open our mouths to speak might just be all we need to know in how to manage such situations.
The 5 stages of grief is not applicable to the grieving....that was meant to be applied to those who are about to lose their lives....however our society morphed that theory from people about to lose their lives into a means of dealing with the loss of a loved one is beyond me.
We don't "get over it", we don't "heal from it". It is a constant adjusting to adjusting. Depending on the loss, the circumstances surrounding the loss, the dynamics of the families we are left with to support us, our own economical financial status...all these things are so often not considered or even available for those supporting the grieving, there to witness - in order to know how to support or respond.
Love - the easiest thing in the world to do - gentleness, humility, warmth, comfort - why is it so hard for us to just be loving and not full of ourselves, comparing ourselves, needing to be "greater than" in that moment, making it about us instead of the one who suffered the loss...."Oh I know just how you feel, I lost my little brother and........" is of little comfort....there is no comparison of losses. A little humility, a moment of thought before we open our mouths to speak might just be all we need to know in how to manage such situations.
carly12345
Member
Wish there was a list of things we could/should say
David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Wish there was a list of things we could/should say
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/grief-and-bereavement/24787-what-grieving-people-need-from-you.html
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/grief-an...friends-and-family-on-talking-about-loss.html
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/grief-and-bereavement/135-how-to-help-your-child-deal-with-death.html
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/grief-and-bereavement/535-helping-older-adults-who-are-grieving.html
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/grief-and-bereavement/24-helping-someone-cope-with-grief.html
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