David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
The 411 on Emotional Infidelity
by Diana Kirschner
August 2010
I recently was on a national TV show discussing cheating on Facebook. So I thought it would be useful to write a FAQ on emotional infidelity.
What’s the difference between Emotional and Physical Infidelity?
In emotional infidelity a partner gives another person their heart, their intimate thoughts, their caring and appreciation, and fantasizes about that person sexually, but does not actually have sex with their “friend.”
What are common triggers of emotional infidelity?
Emotional cheating often starts with when a relationship has lost its passion and is headed for the reef. The partners have settled into dull auto-pilot interactions, have little or no sex, nag or criticize constantly, and rarely create enjoyable times when they are together. Under these conditions one of the partners may begin confiding to a colleague at work or a confidant online about relationship issues.
It’s common for these complaints to include putting down the partner and blaming him/her for what’s gone wrong. Often, the biggest criticisms are that the partner doesn’t understand, listen or pay attention. Emotional cheating can then progress to a point where the friend who is listening or paying attention is idealized, and fantasized about.
With online cheating it is even easier to fantasize about how great the “friend” is, to flirt and to share information about yourself that you are afraid to share with your spouse. As the secret relationship heats up, emotional cheating can lead to physical infidelity.
What is the fallout of this type of affair both for men versus women?
Men whose partners cheat emotionally often find it less devastating because they are more likely to view love as a sexual connection rather than an emotional one. Women will find it more so, because for them love is all about relating.
But emotional infidelity is a bad marker for a couple’s chances of making it. Research has shown that 80% of people who divorce say it is due to a lack of closeness and intimacy, that is, they grew apart. If a couple has lost that loving connection and one spouse finds it with someone else—it could be a death knell for the relationship. In one study cyber-cheating was seen as just as serious a threat to a marriage as a sexual affair.
What are some warning signs of emotional infidelity?
Work relationships, online flirting on websites, connecting on social networks, talking to ex-lovers on Facebook may or may not be cheating relationships. Here are six key factors that determine whether or not a relationship is emotional cheating:
Here are five steps you can take right now to begin healing your relationship:
by Diana Kirschner
August 2010
I recently was on a national TV show discussing cheating on Facebook. So I thought it would be useful to write a FAQ on emotional infidelity.
What’s the difference between Emotional and Physical Infidelity?
In emotional infidelity a partner gives another person their heart, their intimate thoughts, their caring and appreciation, and fantasizes about that person sexually, but does not actually have sex with their “friend.”
What are common triggers of emotional infidelity?
Emotional cheating often starts with when a relationship has lost its passion and is headed for the reef. The partners have settled into dull auto-pilot interactions, have little or no sex, nag or criticize constantly, and rarely create enjoyable times when they are together. Under these conditions one of the partners may begin confiding to a colleague at work or a confidant online about relationship issues.
It’s common for these complaints to include putting down the partner and blaming him/her for what’s gone wrong. Often, the biggest criticisms are that the partner doesn’t understand, listen or pay attention. Emotional cheating can then progress to a point where the friend who is listening or paying attention is idealized, and fantasized about.
With online cheating it is even easier to fantasize about how great the “friend” is, to flirt and to share information about yourself that you are afraid to share with your spouse. As the secret relationship heats up, emotional cheating can lead to physical infidelity.
What is the fallout of this type of affair both for men versus women?
Men whose partners cheat emotionally often find it less devastating because they are more likely to view love as a sexual connection rather than an emotional one. Women will find it more so, because for them love is all about relating.
But emotional infidelity is a bad marker for a couple’s chances of making it. Research has shown that 80% of people who divorce say it is due to a lack of closeness and intimacy, that is, they grew apart. If a couple has lost that loving connection and one spouse finds it with someone else—it could be a death knell for the relationship. In one study cyber-cheating was seen as just as serious a threat to a marriage as a sexual affair.
What are some warning signs of emotional infidelity?
Work relationships, online flirting on websites, connecting on social networks, talking to ex-lovers on Facebook may or may not be cheating relationships. Here are six key factors that determine whether or not a relationship is emotional cheating:
- You complain about your partner to your “friend” and feel like they understand and appreciate you much more than he or she does
- You feel less connected to your partner than you do to your “friend”
- You think about, fantasize and have sexual feelings for your “friend”
- You share more about yourself with your “friend” than with your partner.
- You would rather be with your “friend” than with your partner
- Your significant other is not aware of the feelings you have about your “friend”
Here are five steps you can take right now to begin healing your relationship:
- Recognize that it may be a serious threat to the marriage or relationship.
- The emotional cheater needs to distance or break away from the person they are involved with in order to “right the boat” of their own relationship.
- Discuss problems in your relationship with your partner or a therapist rather than a “friend.”
- Rekindle intimacy and friendship in your relationship. Get to know each other all over again. Go for long walk-and-talks together. Have listening sessions where one talks while the other listens with full attention.
- Act like you are having an affair with your significant other. Take time to go out on dates and have sexy encounters when you are fresh and attentive with your partner.
