I also have an anger management problem. Still. I'm a lot better with it now than I used to be, but that's not saying a lot. I have sudden fits of rage that seem to come from nowhere, blast out of control, and disappear as quickly as they arrived. I don't have time to count to 5 or take a few deep breaths before I react. At the same time I can feel myself letting go of control, allowing it to happen...but I give in. It usually happens while I am doing something practical, repairing a door frame, fixing my bike, etc. A screw drives in too fast and splits the wood and I hurl the drill against the wall breaking it. I clamp my finger in the chain wheel and kick or throw my bike breaking a spoke, bending a rim. I accidentally delete something I was writing and punch the screen. It usually happens when I can't get something to work or when I accidentally hurt myself. It stops suddenly when I break something of value to me or hurt myself, and is instantly replaced with something like disgust. Recently (in the past few years) I have gotten to the point where I can occasionally stop myself cold by just NOT reacting. No trick involved, I just Don't let go. But I still let it get me most of the time. I got to the place about 8 or 9 years ago where I don't involve others in my rage, mostly. I used to punch doors, hurl pot lids, kick things in front of other people. Back then I asked a work-mate why she avoided me and she told me that she was afraid of me. I was shocked. I really stopped and thought a lot after that, and it helped me. I took control over the worst manifestations of it.
Actually I'm sick and tired of rage flashes. It's gotten old. I should be over it. Especially since I KNOW that I can control it. Just a few days ago I was scrubbing the floor in my shop. I was taking the second bucket of hot water from the sink and some splashed on my leg. I dropped the bucket on the floor and stomped it to pieces. I felt like I was watching a show I had seen a thousand times, I knew how it was going to go, how stupid the end was going to be. I know that the bucket didn't do anything to me, the drill, the bike, the oven, the knife, the door frame didn't do anything to me. It seems so banal to think "oven burns me, I kick oven" when I know for a fact that the oven didn't burn me. And obviously I'm symbolically kicking myself, but knowing that doesn't help much either. :hissyfit: Ugh! I'm rambling on. It's 6am here in Switzerland, and I'm off to bed. No wonder.
Actually I'm sick and tired of rage flashes. It's gotten old. I should be over it. Especially since I KNOW that I can control it. Just a few days ago I was scrubbing the floor in my shop. I was taking the second bucket of hot water from the sink and some splashed on my leg. I dropped the bucket on the floor and stomped it to pieces. I felt like I was watching a show I had seen a thousand times, I knew how it was going to go, how stupid the end was going to be. I know that the bucket didn't do anything to me, the drill, the bike, the oven, the knife, the door frame didn't do anything to me. It seems so banal to think "oven burns me, I kick oven" when I know for a fact that the oven didn't burn me. And obviously I'm symbolically kicking myself, but knowing that doesn't help much either. :hissyfit: Ugh! I'm rambling on. It's 6am here in Switzerland, and I'm off to bed. No wonder.
