David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
The Enemy Within: Tools to Stop Self-Sabotage
by Robin L. Flanigan, bpHope
April 3, 2018
When self-sabotaging behavior joins the mix of bipolar disorder, new challenges can support self-defeating tendencies. Here’s how to get out of your own way.
Like it or not, as humans, we have a tendency to get in our own way. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, we can set up all kinds of plans to move toward a goal, only to eventually retreat from it-and, in some cases, bend over backwards to convince ourselves that we never really wanted the goal to begin with.
And with bipolar disorder in the mix, there are a special set of circumstances-having difficulty finishing what has been started, the tendency to make rash decisions, etc.-that support self-sabotaging behavior. So what’s the attraction? The list is quite lengthy.
Procrastination, for one, may feel really good in the moment but can lead to stress, which has been shown to impair the brain’s capacity for self-control when confronted with a choice. Along the same lines, we’re drawn much more to feelings of consistency—of familiarity—than the unknown, even if it puts our happiness at stake. Or maybe we’re afraid we won’t succeed, so we don’t want to risk trying.
“Self-sabotage is a creative act with a positive intention, largely geared toward providing some sense of protection or safety,” says Kenneth Fields, a licensed mental health counselor in Hawaii and a licensed professional counselor in Oregon. “In a practical sense, it’s understandable that we will avoid things we don’t want to do. But you need to acknowledge when self-sabotage is going on, then ask yourself, ‘Is this avoidance or procrastination useful? Maybe it was useful 10 years ago, but is it useful now?’ Then you can start thinking about alternatives.”
THE ROLE OF FOCUSED INTENTION
Self-sabotage is a paradox-a coping mechanism that feels good in the moment but ultimately undermines what we want to achieve. And there are a lot of ways we can kick that mechanism into high gear. One of them is by messing with a medication schedule, which not only affects efforts to accomplish an original goal but also puts recovery in jeopardy.
Skylar K. from New York State did just that to protect herself against a fear of failure. Afraid of the stress that would come with a good, steady job-a job she figured she would lose anyway once her bipolar I symptoms started showing up-she persuaded herself that it would be easier in a hospital, where she could be taken care of, than manage responsibilities at work. So she frequently took too much of her medication and wound up getting admitted.
These days, Skylar is putting into practice the lessons she learned from cognitive behavioral therapy. She is building more structure into her life, better regulating her emotions and tolerance for distress, and replacing self-destructive behaviors with activities that push her outside her comfort zone. For instance, after completing refresher courses, she is once again employed as a paramedic.
“I am excited to finally be back at work. I went through a long period of hopelessness and had given up on myself,” she says. “But what I needed was to learn to take responsibility for my actions, work towards my goals and when I stumble I get back up.”
Psychological attachments feed the need to seek out things that cause us to be unhappy, and are at the root of self-sabotage.
“We all go to our reactive selves, where our old patterns of thinking instantly jump up,” says Tracy Latz, MD, co-author with Marion Ross of Bye-Bye Self-Sabotage!: Drop Your Baggage-Love Your Life. “They’re frequently driven by childhood constructs that can create faulty beliefs as we get older.”
Those faulty beliefs include feelings of unworthiness. Low self-esteem prompts statements such as “I don’t deserve to be promoted, so why even try?” or “The only way someone will love me is if I don’t speak my mind.”
But what happens then? A colleague who puts in fewer hours than you do yet strokes the boss’ ego gets the promotion and accompanying pay raise. Or you start resenting the fact that your partner doesn’t take into consideration your opinions—not that you’ve made those opinions clear. The result in both cases: you’re left in a position short of your potential, which ultimately affects your level of happiness.
Dealing with the known — even if that keeps you from taking steps toward your goal — often is preferable than delving into strange territory. It feels safer than taking a risk in which you wind up feeling vulnerable, disappointed or hurt, even though those are temporary—and human—experiences.
And here’s what’s interesting: that preference doesn’t even have to be conscious.
“Some people procrastinate and put themselves into a hole again and again, but they’re attracted to that because unconsciously they’re more comfortable as an irresponsible person,” says Thomas O. Bonner, PhD, a licensed psychologist in Florida. “Then they don’t have to make the effort to be the good guy or the productive girl. It’s easier not to try. This is the devil they know, and it’s preferable than some other, less-well-known set of conflicts.”
What takes a conscious effort is countering those fixed, sometimes deeply rooted responses, whether they arise from your own expectations or someone else’s.
“It’s like when there are grooves in mud,” says Fields. “A car naturally takes to those grooves because it’s easier, especially if the mud is now hard. Going off those tracks can be difficult and scary. It’s not as routine or familiar or predictable. That’s where the challenge is. It takes a lot of intention and practice to build new behavioral responses to situations that might be perceived as threatening.”
THE ROLE OF ACCEPTANCE
Denial is another defense mechanism, and one of self-sabotage’s best allies. This is where problems can multiply for those with bipolar disorder. If there’s resistance to accepting the illness, and therefore no needed treatment and support, the internal pain that results obviously interferes with the ability to reach your definition of success.
Deflection is a form of moving away from a situation, when what is needed to get what you want for your best self is to move toward it.
“In high school, I got used to using a very dangerous word, and that word was ‘fine,'” says Chris N. from Canada. “It became a mask for me to hide behind when people would ask how I was. I was a football player and didn’t want to be seen as someone who was weak.”
Even though he was having thoughts and feelings he describes as negative and irrational, he kept them under wraps from family and friends. Years later he would be diagnosed with bipolar I. With help from his doctor, he began a string of positive behaviors to counteract the adverse effects of the disorder. He began journaling, a ritual that would lead to writing books, several of them on mental health.
He started volunteering at a local mental health center, in a role that lets him give hope to people who can identify with some of his struggles. He now eats well and exercises regularly, and has adopted what he calls “the delay technique” for postponing—with the intention of ultimately avoiding—negative actions that can throw him off course.
When he has an urge to act on a self-sabotaging thought or compulsion, he turns to positive affirmations (“This doesn’t control me” or “I can do this”), the clock (waiting 30 seconds, then one minute, then progressively longer), or spiritual affirmations (“Give me strength” or “I have faith”).
“I still have mornings where I’m struggling and am overwhelmed, but I still make positive decisions and am able to stay on track,” he says. “I’m less likely to hide things now.”
The bottom line, Chris adds: “If we speak up early, we can get help early. The mountain I climbed was steeper because I held things in.”
Once the focus turns to self-acceptance, it can then turn toward tracking behavior that supports—not subverts—life-affirming goals. But until that happens, it can be easy to persuade yourself that those goals you once set, even ones that could determine your future, were simply temporary ambitions.
Someone who wants to be successful as a college student, for example, may start the semester excited and committed to attend classes regularly, be productive, and stick to a medication regimen. But when symptoms get in the way, things can change.
During a depressive episode, loss of motivation and interest may make it a chore to get to class or turn in assignments on time.
During a manic phase, other behaviors or new interests-late nights, starting new projects-can become more appealing than study groups and exams.
And that can affect a person’s reasoning and ability to focus on school or desire to earn a degree in the first place, particularly in those who have not accepted that their diagnosis requires consistent strategies to keep them stable, according to Rae K. Watkins, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and researcher in Chicago.
“They may start to think, ‘I don’t even need to go to school. The road I’m on is fine.’ Or they may think they’ll get to it later,” explains Watkins, who has served as a sub-investigator on numerous psychiatric clinical research trials in bipolar disorder and major depressive disorder.
Watkins suggests adhering to a healthy sleep schedule and seeking out some form of therapy or treatment that will keep realistic targets for progress front and center.
“That may seem daunting,” she says, “but the hope is that new strategies become a way of life. Instead of feeling different, the person with bipolar disorder can say, ‘This is what helps me thrive.'”
SMALL STEPS, BIG RESULTS
It gets more complicated to embrace new strategies when you’re a night owl that “kills the motivation to go to bed sometimes, so you have to work against your own instinct,” says Virginia’s Raymond J., who has bipolar I. It doesn’t help that impulsive urges during periods of mania haunt him during those hours.
“I always have big plans to do all kinds of things. Some projects, goals, or whims even get started, but soon peter out when the inevitable crash happens.”
Raymond knows it would take a lot of perseverance to change his sleeping schedule. “The choice is between instant gratification or patience that leads towards lasting health,” he says. “I know what I should do, but the choice is so hard to make.”
Chris understands, remembering how he’d once lost confidence in who he was, how he started building it back up with tiny victories.
“I took advantage of every little ‘Go’ that I could say to myself,” he says. “I would say, ‘Go for a walk. Go eat the apple instead of chocolate. Go read a book instead of watching TV.’ These little bleeps of ‘Go’ made me push myself, and the healing was exponential. The little steps started to get bigger and to move at a quicker speed, and that gave me more chances to say, ‘I’m going to go do this.’ “I was starting to make something of my life.”
***
TOOLBOX
Self-sabotaging behavior interferes with actions that help you reach your goals. Here are a few strategies to use to keep actions in line with what you want to accomplish:
Document your day: Make a list at the end of the day of the interactions you had with a loved one, your boss, a family member, etc. Note which ones were problematic and which were inspiring, and the thoughts that accompanied each. “You begin to be aware of the patterns of your interactions, and you do the tango with one person and the waltz with another,” says author Tracy Latz. That information helps define what you want out of a certain situation-and what may be holding you back.
Repetition is key: Recognizing and stopping self-sabotaging behavior takes time. It requires a lot of repetition - of stopping yourself in the moment before an action throws you off your game - before a new habit is formed and you can say, “No, I don’t do this anymore,'” says licensed psychologist Thomas O. Bonner, PhD.
Fill the jar: When Chris N. got tired of his self-sabotaging behavior, he started putting coins in a jar every time he successfully avoided an action that would keep him from his goals. As the level of coins rose, he says, “I felt motivated and confident to continue making positive choices.” Once the jar was filled, he used the money toward a reward or charitable donation.
Find support: Raymond J. has a friend who will stop by on his way to the gym to pick him up, and take him to a restaurant every Tuesday night, to make sure he’s making at least some time to exercise and eat well. “I’ve even had him go to a meeting with my
by Robin L. Flanigan, bpHope
April 3, 2018
When self-sabotaging behavior joins the mix of bipolar disorder, new challenges can support self-defeating tendencies. Here’s how to get out of your own way.
Like it or not, as humans, we have a tendency to get in our own way. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, we can set up all kinds of plans to move toward a goal, only to eventually retreat from it-and, in some cases, bend over backwards to convince ourselves that we never really wanted the goal to begin with.
And with bipolar disorder in the mix, there are a special set of circumstances-having difficulty finishing what has been started, the tendency to make rash decisions, etc.-that support self-sabotaging behavior. So what’s the attraction? The list is quite lengthy.
Procrastination, for one, may feel really good in the moment but can lead to stress, which has been shown to impair the brain’s capacity for self-control when confronted with a choice. Along the same lines, we’re drawn much more to feelings of consistency—of familiarity—than the unknown, even if it puts our happiness at stake. Or maybe we’re afraid we won’t succeed, so we don’t want to risk trying.
“Self-sabotage is a creative act with a positive intention, largely geared toward providing some sense of protection or safety,” says Kenneth Fields, a licensed mental health counselor in Hawaii and a licensed professional counselor in Oregon. “In a practical sense, it’s understandable that we will avoid things we don’t want to do. But you need to acknowledge when self-sabotage is going on, then ask yourself, ‘Is this avoidance or procrastination useful? Maybe it was useful 10 years ago, but is it useful now?’ Then you can start thinking about alternatives.”
THE ROLE OF FOCUSED INTENTION
Self-sabotage is a paradox-a coping mechanism that feels good in the moment but ultimately undermines what we want to achieve. And there are a lot of ways we can kick that mechanism into high gear. One of them is by messing with a medication schedule, which not only affects efforts to accomplish an original goal but also puts recovery in jeopardy.
Skylar K. from New York State did just that to protect herself against a fear of failure. Afraid of the stress that would come with a good, steady job-a job she figured she would lose anyway once her bipolar I symptoms started showing up-she persuaded herself that it would be easier in a hospital, where she could be taken care of, than manage responsibilities at work. So she frequently took too much of her medication and wound up getting admitted.
These days, Skylar is putting into practice the lessons she learned from cognitive behavioral therapy. She is building more structure into her life, better regulating her emotions and tolerance for distress, and replacing self-destructive behaviors with activities that push her outside her comfort zone. For instance, after completing refresher courses, she is once again employed as a paramedic.
“I am excited to finally be back at work. I went through a long period of hopelessness and had given up on myself,” she says. “But what I needed was to learn to take responsibility for my actions, work towards my goals and when I stumble I get back up.”
Psychological attachments feed the need to seek out things that cause us to be unhappy, and are at the root of self-sabotage.
“We all go to our reactive selves, where our old patterns of thinking instantly jump up,” says Tracy Latz, MD, co-author with Marion Ross of Bye-Bye Self-Sabotage!: Drop Your Baggage-Love Your Life. “They’re frequently driven by childhood constructs that can create faulty beliefs as we get older.”
Those faulty beliefs include feelings of unworthiness. Low self-esteem prompts statements such as “I don’t deserve to be promoted, so why even try?” or “The only way someone will love me is if I don’t speak my mind.”
But what happens then? A colleague who puts in fewer hours than you do yet strokes the boss’ ego gets the promotion and accompanying pay raise. Or you start resenting the fact that your partner doesn’t take into consideration your opinions—not that you’ve made those opinions clear. The result in both cases: you’re left in a position short of your potential, which ultimately affects your level of happiness.
Dealing with the known — even if that keeps you from taking steps toward your goal — often is preferable than delving into strange territory. It feels safer than taking a risk in which you wind up feeling vulnerable, disappointed or hurt, even though those are temporary—and human—experiences.
And here’s what’s interesting: that preference doesn’t even have to be conscious.
“Some people procrastinate and put themselves into a hole again and again, but they’re attracted to that because unconsciously they’re more comfortable as an irresponsible person,” says Thomas O. Bonner, PhD, a licensed psychologist in Florida. “Then they don’t have to make the effort to be the good guy or the productive girl. It’s easier not to try. This is the devil they know, and it’s preferable than some other, less-well-known set of conflicts.”
What takes a conscious effort is countering those fixed, sometimes deeply rooted responses, whether they arise from your own expectations or someone else’s.
“It’s like when there are grooves in mud,” says Fields. “A car naturally takes to those grooves because it’s easier, especially if the mud is now hard. Going off those tracks can be difficult and scary. It’s not as routine or familiar or predictable. That’s where the challenge is. It takes a lot of intention and practice to build new behavioral responses to situations that might be perceived as threatening.”
THE ROLE OF ACCEPTANCE
Denial is another defense mechanism, and one of self-sabotage’s best allies. This is where problems can multiply for those with bipolar disorder. If there’s resistance to accepting the illness, and therefore no needed treatment and support, the internal pain that results obviously interferes with the ability to reach your definition of success.
Deflection is a form of moving away from a situation, when what is needed to get what you want for your best self is to move toward it.
“In high school, I got used to using a very dangerous word, and that word was ‘fine,'” says Chris N. from Canada. “It became a mask for me to hide behind when people would ask how I was. I was a football player and didn’t want to be seen as someone who was weak.”
Even though he was having thoughts and feelings he describes as negative and irrational, he kept them under wraps from family and friends. Years later he would be diagnosed with bipolar I. With help from his doctor, he began a string of positive behaviors to counteract the adverse effects of the disorder. He began journaling, a ritual that would lead to writing books, several of them on mental health.
He started volunteering at a local mental health center, in a role that lets him give hope to people who can identify with some of his struggles. He now eats well and exercises regularly, and has adopted what he calls “the delay technique” for postponing—with the intention of ultimately avoiding—negative actions that can throw him off course.
When he has an urge to act on a self-sabotaging thought or compulsion, he turns to positive affirmations (“This doesn’t control me” or “I can do this”), the clock (waiting 30 seconds, then one minute, then progressively longer), or spiritual affirmations (“Give me strength” or “I have faith”).
“I still have mornings where I’m struggling and am overwhelmed, but I still make positive decisions and am able to stay on track,” he says. “I’m less likely to hide things now.”
The bottom line, Chris adds: “If we speak up early, we can get help early. The mountain I climbed was steeper because I held things in.”
Once the focus turns to self-acceptance, it can then turn toward tracking behavior that supports—not subverts—life-affirming goals. But until that happens, it can be easy to persuade yourself that those goals you once set, even ones that could determine your future, were simply temporary ambitions.
Someone who wants to be successful as a college student, for example, may start the semester excited and committed to attend classes regularly, be productive, and stick to a medication regimen. But when symptoms get in the way, things can change.
During a depressive episode, loss of motivation and interest may make it a chore to get to class or turn in assignments on time.
During a manic phase, other behaviors or new interests-late nights, starting new projects-can become more appealing than study groups and exams.
And that can affect a person’s reasoning and ability to focus on school or desire to earn a degree in the first place, particularly in those who have not accepted that their diagnosis requires consistent strategies to keep them stable, according to Rae K. Watkins, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and researcher in Chicago.
“They may start to think, ‘I don’t even need to go to school. The road I’m on is fine.’ Or they may think they’ll get to it later,” explains Watkins, who has served as a sub-investigator on numerous psychiatric clinical research trials in bipolar disorder and major depressive disorder.
Watkins suggests adhering to a healthy sleep schedule and seeking out some form of therapy or treatment that will keep realistic targets for progress front and center.
“That may seem daunting,” she says, “but the hope is that new strategies become a way of life. Instead of feeling different, the person with bipolar disorder can say, ‘This is what helps me thrive.'”
SMALL STEPS, BIG RESULTS
It gets more complicated to embrace new strategies when you’re a night owl that “kills the motivation to go to bed sometimes, so you have to work against your own instinct,” says Virginia’s Raymond J., who has bipolar I. It doesn’t help that impulsive urges during periods of mania haunt him during those hours.
“I always have big plans to do all kinds of things. Some projects, goals, or whims even get started, but soon peter out when the inevitable crash happens.”
Raymond knows it would take a lot of perseverance to change his sleeping schedule. “The choice is between instant gratification or patience that leads towards lasting health,” he says. “I know what I should do, but the choice is so hard to make.”
Chris understands, remembering how he’d once lost confidence in who he was, how he started building it back up with tiny victories.
“I took advantage of every little ‘Go’ that I could say to myself,” he says. “I would say, ‘Go for a walk. Go eat the apple instead of chocolate. Go read a book instead of watching TV.’ These little bleeps of ‘Go’ made me push myself, and the healing was exponential. The little steps started to get bigger and to move at a quicker speed, and that gave me more chances to say, ‘I’m going to go do this.’ “I was starting to make something of my life.”
***
TOOLBOX
Self-sabotaging behavior interferes with actions that help you reach your goals. Here are a few strategies to use to keep actions in line with what you want to accomplish:
Document your day: Make a list at the end of the day of the interactions you had with a loved one, your boss, a family member, etc. Note which ones were problematic and which were inspiring, and the thoughts that accompanied each. “You begin to be aware of the patterns of your interactions, and you do the tango with one person and the waltz with another,” says author Tracy Latz. That information helps define what you want out of a certain situation-and what may be holding you back.
Repetition is key: Recognizing and stopping self-sabotaging behavior takes time. It requires a lot of repetition - of stopping yourself in the moment before an action throws you off your game - before a new habit is formed and you can say, “No, I don’t do this anymore,'” says licensed psychologist Thomas O. Bonner, PhD.
Fill the jar: When Chris N. got tired of his self-sabotaging behavior, he started putting coins in a jar every time he successfully avoided an action that would keep him from his goals. As the level of coins rose, he says, “I felt motivated and confident to continue making positive choices.” Once the jar was filled, he used the money toward a reward or charitable donation.
Find support: Raymond J. has a friend who will stop by on his way to the gym to pick him up, and take him to a restaurant every Tuesday night, to make sure he’s making at least some time to exercise and eat well. “I’ve even had him go to a meeting with my
